To worry about how DPIL's will affect my daughter? ( warning sleep deprived and may be being Pfb.

[ohlittlepea]

So I know this is probably a bit precious and ungrateful but I feel really concerned about the way my in laws are going to treat my daughter as she grows up (currently 10ms). I will bullet point for time saving.

1, There main topic of conversation is to make comparisons between people. i often find these unkind although i am a bit sensitive. For example my dh suffered bad acne as a teenager, when we started going out they would often say 'oh DHs brother has such lovely skin, not like poor ....' they have been quite rude about my appearance too, im under no illusion that I'm a beauty Queen but they'll say 'oh so and so in the family is so beautiful she doesn't need make up, it's so unfair isn't it pea' or yesterday when I commented on how lovely someone's hair was 'well some people get lovely hair and skin when they are pregnant, others have greased hair and spots,' pointed look at me. They've started to do it with my baby daughter '....s baby is so dainty, not like peas' . 'Its funny how peas baby doesn't sleep through, all put babies slept from 10 weeks' I guess it's the appearance ones that I worry about most, I don't want her to be continually told she measures up short compared to other children as she grows up, I don't think it breeds good feeling and I don't want her to think that looks matter. Dh and his siblings aren't very close and I think that's partly to do with always being compared. If it was the occasional comment I think it's normal but they make so many of them.

1. They like to buy lots of presents, I know this sounds very ungrateful, but i just find it a bit hard to cope with. They've spent at least £300 pounds on my daughter this Christmas and I find it really overwhelming. They can't really afford it. They also feel that if they buy one gd anything the other has to have something. My daughter wouldn't have any idea, and I'm not counting who gets the most presents. I always say to them I know how much you love her and that you love them the same, we really don't mind if .... Has something and dd doesn't. The most precious thing she enjoys is the time you spend together...etc also we can't afford to recoprocate, we spent about £25 on each of them and that was a stretch, it makes me feel a bit guilty. I don't want my daughter to always instantly have everything she would like, I think delayed gratification is really important in being well rounded. I don't know how to tackle this with them as she grows.

3, they are a bit unkind. I'm on mat leave and just starting to leave my daughter for a couple of hours once a week for us both to get used to it. I find it quite hard to leave her but I know it's important for her to start learning she'a separate from me and not to get attachment problems. She's been a little poorly so wanting lots if mum time when I'm around. we were at a family dinner and I heard mil loudly tell everyone on the table behind us 'well when pea is there dd just cries for her and isn't happy, when oh brought her round the other day without pea she was really happy, she's so much happier when her mums not around' my daughter is usually really smiley n chirpy with most people she isn't a little limpet unless she's feeling poorly honestly. I just feel really upset when they say things like that, and I don't want them to say things that upset my daughter when she's old enough to understand.

Sorry for the essay, is this just normal gps and I'm overreacting? Either way there's nothing I can actually do is there?

Saintlyjimjams I appreciate your straight talking and explanations. I do like to joke about things within my family and I can usually take a joke, I guess its just done on a different way than im used to. Me needing make up to look nice is a long running theme, so I guess I'm always on guard for comments about it. But it could be being said in a less personal way Tha I interpret it, and could easily be more lighthearted than it feels. I will try to lighten up and also to set boundaries.

Thank you so much to all of you who have taken the time to read and reply. I feel more positive having shared it a bit :). My DH finds it really hard to hear his family criticised so its a difficult Su ject but one we will need to broach like wyrdbyrd says to set some boundaries and to help me feel more able to be breezey and not take it to heart. I think getting some emotional distance is a good idea, and perhaps calling them out on it I a good idea. The strange thing is a lot of the appearance based stuff comes from FIL, and I just dont really get it. I think we are both people pleasers and my DHs relationship with his parents and his need for approval from them is a bit difficult to get round.
I think I'm going to take a combination of your advice and if they say something that is definitely hurtful like 'dd is so much happier when your not around' . I will respond and tell them its not ok.
Thanks again for letting me get tho out of my system:-)

YANBU! I don't know what anyone would be thinking if they thought you were!

I know your daughter is only 10 months old so doesn't understand but I would HATE to hear another child compared to mine, especially around appearance, there is just no need and I absolutely despise this focus on looks that some people have. Looks are completely irrelevant in most areas of life, you can look like the back end of a bus and still be successful and happy. Your looks are just so people can find you in a crowd. They sound petty and ridiculous.

Another idea, OP. Would it be possible to turn your PIL's attitudes into a family joke? In such a way that nobody takes their criticisms seriously. Humour often defuses so many situations.

I feel like I should offer an example but it's first thing in the morning here and my brain hasn't totally clicked in yet.

My DH finds it really hard to hear his family criticised so its a difficult subject
But you and his baby are his family just as much, he is ok with criticisms coming your way?
If anyone else is there try a slightly superior eyeroll every time she says something unpleasant. "Oh silly mil" type of thing. Though telling her to fuck off must be tempting too!

YANBU. Those are really hurtful comments.

Hi. My family has a thing about appearances and my father is oddly far worse than my Mum. I was extremely worried about the impact of this on my two dds, but since we moved a long way away we don't see them very often.

The comments about appearance can have an impact and i think you're right to be concerned about this aspect. Having grown up with my Dad comparing me to my much slimmer sister I believed I was this big fat lump of a girl who was told had thunder thighs and a huge bottom.

Looking back at pictures of myself as a teen I was none of these things. But constant comparisons to my tiny Mum and Sister left me feeling like a giant fat slug.

I am certain my family didn't mean to make me feel that bad - i think bizarrely the cpmment were meant to motivate me into exercise. They instead made me want to hide and i was afraid to join in any sports in case other peopl commented on my size or fitness.

Twenty years later and I am now quite happy with my size and shape. I have curves my Mum and sister don't. I am just built differently. But it does illustrate the impact of constant little digs and comments. So I have protected my girls from this. My parents still obsessed with appearances have not dared comment yet on my girls negatively- and if they ever dare I would come down on them like a ton of bricks! I have taught my girls that appearances are not imporant and its the kind of person you are that matters!

Lavenderbongo, so sorry you had to go through that, sounds like you have done an amazing job teaching your daughters what really matters.

I've been thinking and my FIL is much worse with the appearance stuff than MIL. He has said to me outright that I 'need' make up, that I have no boobs, that I'm a lot less attractive than sil, but he does it to her too so he will say to her 'pea has lost weight, you find it very hard to loose weight don't you sil', or 'pea takes dd to singing, you never took.your dd to anything did you?' Which isn't great for our relationship, I think he just likes stirring to be honest. I don't think there's any real malice in there it's more just a bad habit but I'm concerned like many of you about the long term effects. I find dh and I spend a lot of time trying to stay in their good books and its easy to fall.out of favour, for example they very generously turned up one day with a buggy for dd, and I thought it would be nice to send them a picture of her smiling in it the next day to say thank you, but they didn't reply because they were cross with me for taking her on a dog walk in the buggy (dog walk is on pavement paths through a park) ..then next time I saw them they were very cross with me because of this. I just don't know how to.get it right and I'm worried bringing anything up will cause huge dramas. ...but I am determine d for things to be different.

You need to say "dont be so unkind" each and every time they say something snide. Do not let them get away with any comments and do not let them say you are sensitive

Please stop right now with the trying to stay in their good books crap. It is a trap you will be in forever.
What do you owe them exactly?

I'm kind of motivated by my daughter to not be trying the whole good books stuff as I don't want her to feel that you live within other people's rules just so they will treat you ok. They are generous to us and they look after our pets from time to time. We help them to, dh put up sheds and fixed their roof in the last few months. The biggest thing I'm in trouble for lately is my daughter was really unwell (temp of 40) and I missed another young family members birthday party at a theme park. To be honest we couldn't really afford to go anyway but my daughter was genuinely poorly. The next weekend I tried to be nice by spending some time with them and going to see the great GPS, who are sweet. The whole tome I just got weird comments and nastiness. In that situation what is the best assertive thing to say? Something like 'I realise you feel upset about last weekend, can we draw a line under it and move on?'....or ' you sound disappointed about last weekend, DAs You know dd was poorly and so we couldn't make it. Is there a problem?' Or something completely different...the only time I have tried to raise anything they completely deny that they're upset or annoyed about anything....argh...this isn't going to be easy to sort is it? :(

No, it doesn't sound like it. :(
Sounds like it's going to be an ongoing situation that is going to wind you up more and more if you let it get to you - so you need to find coping mechanisms. Pitying them for their mean outlook, their need to put others down to make themselves feel better, all things like that, can help to stem the anger at least - but in the end, you might have to just limit contact.

I don't think you are being sensitive or PFB at all, they sound so insulting. If they were comparing one of my children to an apparently better child, Id be saying something. Nothing rude or sly (they are in laws after all) but something smiley and to the point "Id be so grateful if you didnt compare her to 'better' babies, it can be a little hurtful [you cunts]"

I think in the situation you describe where you are getting comments and nastiness, the best thing to say is "gosh look at the time we'll have to go now". And leave. You are on egg shells round them. Have they thought about what happens if they piss you off enough, and you ended contact - they don't get to see their gd. They have cause to keep you happy too, you know!

Why not just say "how dare you speak to me in that manner you are rude and nasty" and then leave their house.

They are only doing it because you do not pull them up on it.

I do think you need to draw a line in the sand now and deal with every negative comment as and when it happens. The comments about your breasts are absolutely unacceptable.
Your husband may not like it, but it does not sound as though you can rely on him to come to your defense. It's not as though he can argue their behavior is acceptable.
When a comment is made, take a few breaths, make sure that you are not misreading the situation because you are anticipating problems. You do not need to respond immediately, just in the same time frame.
Maybe give yourself two settings.
Pil, those kind of comparisons can only be hurtful. You are making me feel uncomfortable and I am going to leave if you continue.
Pil, that comment was incredibly rude and hurtful. I don't spend time with people who treat me or my family that poorly. Goodbye.
It won't be easy, but it will be easier than recovering from punching the arsehole in the teeth after he makes a comment about your daughter's breasts.

Either of those theme park responses would be fine. That is, politely call them on it.

And do that every time.

When FIL puts down SIL in comparison to you, say something pleasant to him about her. "Oh, SIL, you never took your DD to singing like pea does." "No, you had lovely snugly times at home - everyone does things differently" (or whatever) and smile.

If they are truly not malicious, they will be perfectly happy about it, and move on.

OTOH, if they are stirring, to make sure everyone knows their place, then be prepared for some kind of reaction. Sulking, holier-than-thou ranting, martyrdom, etc. They may complain to DH about it. In which case, he needs to be clear that he has to choose between his parents being upset, or his wife. (Particularly when they have made nasty comments like the one about your DD being miserable when with you.)

Be polite and reasonable at all times, but clearly show what you will and won't accept.

If you can politely set boundaries, you may well come to a situation where everyone likes and respects each other.