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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pissed off at sharing 'news'

41 replies

HoardingCrap · 26/12/2014 03:09

Fully prepared to let this one go and acknowledge that pregnancy hormones are most likely making me over sensitive.

Due dc2 imminently and have elcs booked. It's the right decision but struggling with certain factors around it. Told no one the date bar my mother who is looking after dc1 (and her dp as he knows she will be here) plus DH's work as he's booked pat leave so it's bloody obvious in his work diary. None of my friends/family know and we've just said that I'm due middle of x month. No one has pushed further for details.

DH felt obliged to tell a family member as they would be hurt not knowing. Ok with me as we've asked them to keep it private and I can understand ish where they are coming from.

Turns out they've told another family member and my dad. Apparently didn't realise it wasn't public knowledge (bollocks) or thought that we would want them to tell these people. My dad is understandably hurt that he had to find out via a third party and I'm not happy.

DH thinks I'm being irrational, it's now done so nothing can be changed about it (true) and there is no point pulling family member up on their blabbermouth behaviour more than his comment of 'knowing date takes the surprise away which is why we wanted to keep it a secret' which has already been made. Dh is hurt that his confidence has been blown so I want to be careful not to hurt him anymore and my relationship with family member isn't wonderful at the moment. Family member is fabulously PA and their feelings are not to be hurt.

Do I make a similarly PA remark when we next see them about how lovely it was for my dad to find out his daughter was having major surgery via them. Or do I just walk away and mutter to myself about not trusting them with other information in the future? My normal style of being direct won't do it as I'll be accused of being confrontational.

[Dh and I have already had the conversation about challenging me when I've upset family member but not the other way round and that's been dealt with]

OP posts:

Idefix · 26/12/2014 11:10

Yabvvvr your behaviour has been very misguided IMO, I hope this is pregnancy hormones because that will pass. This was never going to remain a secret, because you told someone, because you needed them to help you and your dh told someone he cared for because he want to celebrate this moment in your lives.

You say this relative is pa when they told your dad?! Maybe they told him because they want to share this news...
You are causing a lot of drama and seem to be trying to power play/manipulate your families - why?
I hope your elcs goes well and that the potential rift that may occur is over ceded by celebrations of the safe arrival of your lo.

Nelehwelly · 26/12/2014 11:11

"DH felt obliged to tell a family member as they would be hurt not knowing."

But you didn't feel the same about your dad?

I can understand not announcing it to the world at large, but not understand keeping it from your dad if other relatives knew. I'm not surprised he's hurt, tbh.

lljkk · 26/12/2014 11:16

If it is MIL... I'd be quite upset if my son hid this from me. I would certainly know I was viewed as untrustworthy and being deliberately kept at a distance. I'd be pretty sad about it. Not sure I'd have the maturity to rise above & not respond with similar distancing behaviour in subsequent years.

Just don't come back here & moan about how MIL doesn't babysit or treat this grandchild same as others.

comeagainforbigfudge · 26/12/2014 11:17

Aw hoardingcrap. I'm with you on this. It's your baby and it's you going thru the procedure so you are entitled to keep things to yourself.

I told my immediate family when 12w pregnant and they were under strict instructions not to tell anyone. It's my news and if I want to keep quiet about it then that's my business. I then announced via fb because when 14w.

No I'm not a "celebrity" but I value my privacy and will tell people when I'm ready.
Just because I'm having a baby doesn't mean I need to share everything with the world. It's exciting/scary/frustrating/tiring and many other things but I have a stressful job where sad things happen regularly. Nobody asks or wants to know about that (not that I'd tell, confidentiality and all that jazz) so why do they people need to know everything cos I'm having a baby? It's not public property.

OP, I personally would have told parents first (but that's cos I'll need my dad to drive us back home afterwards) but it's your news to tell. Deffo apologise about circumstances and that you just didn't want him to worry? Or similar.

To the pp that said about knowing baby's sex but not going to tell you. I'm with you on that. Why say that? Just say "we're not finding out"!!

Good luck with your elcs.
(Just don't get hung up on the sharing of news via third parties. I'm still annoyed at an extended family member who posted on fb about a DN of mine being born before I'd even been told. Rage!!)

one for you and one for baby

treaclesoda · 26/12/2014 11:32

I'm all for privacy but I do think saying 'I'm having an elcs but I'm not telling you when' is sort of contradictory because on the one hand you don't think the method of the baby's arrival to be a private matter, but you do think the date is a private matter.

The simplest way to avoid that sort of drama is not to discuss the fact that it's a cs - the method of the baby's arrival really is no one's concern but the parents. If you don't mention a cs people will naturally assume that you are expecting a baby and will go into labour at some point, as is 'normal'. (That is in inverted commas because I don't want to accuse people who have cs of not being normal - my babies were delivered by cs). I've never known anyone to ask someone else how they intend to deliver their baby, so you don't even have to lie, just leave out the details.

I hope all goes well for you OP and that family relations don't become strained because of this.

KurriKurri · 26/12/2014 11:36

I think a 'secret' that is partially shared with selected people is bound to get out and obviously some people will be hurt that they weren't told when others were (in this case your Dad who must feel he was less important than the person 'who's feelings would be hurt' who then blabbed.)

A secret is just that - something you don't tell anyone. Either tell everyone or tell no one, that way no one feels left out.

Egog · 26/12/2014 11:41

I didn't make my ELCS date public, as we have certain members of the family with form for camping out in hospital corridors despite the Mum's wishes, so I understand where you're coming from.

If I were you, I'd have a quiet word with said member of family to just explain how you feel- then just back right off and remember with any piece of future news that they can be loose-lipped!

Good luck, I hope it's a lovely birth and everything goes well.

Nelehwelly · 26/12/2014 11:53

I can understand not announcing the date to all and sundry, but the point here is surely that a decision was made that not hurting the feelings of another family member (one who is clearly either malicious or stupid, in that they chose not to keep the secret that had been entrusted to them) was more important than saving your dad's feelings.

Not nice for him at all. (Unless there's some backstory relating to his failings as a father and reasons for keeping him at arms length).

wewishyou · 26/12/2014 13:07

It seems like you really wanted to be the centre of attention with people wondering when you were due. Then being the star of the Big Day when you announce that the baby is due. Now you having a tantrum because it won't happen.

Next time (if there is one) , don't tell anyone about the elcs and just say you are due in Jan/Feb/March/whatever

And I would send a message to the PA relative saying "thanks for sharing the news we asked you not to share. It was the last time we told you anything we want to keep secret". But people being what they are, I tend to tell no one when I want something kept secret

timetoplay · 26/12/2014 15:30

Learn to never tell PA family member anything at all in confidence. I would be upfront with them and say something similar to what wewishyou said to be honest!'

Original poster

HoardingCrap · 26/12/2014 17:32

Only just got the date so not for another 10 weeks. Yes, probably misguided that it was going to remain just us knowing.

Didn't want my dad to fret if he hadn't heard anything by a certain time as he would get nervous. He didn't know I was in labour with #1.

Suppose I would never see it as my role to share information wider. Not going to say anything as appreciate I abu and overly precious and just move on.

OP posts:

Mammanat222 · 26/12/2014 17:41

Why didn't you tell your dad?

WeeFreeKings · 26/12/2014 17:41

You asked if you were being unreasonable to be pissed off with someone sharing your news. I don't think YABU personally. I'd be pissed off too if news got round of something I wanted to remain a secret regardless of why I wanted it kept a secret or what the secret was.

Mammanat222 · 26/12/2014 17:43

X post. I see you answered my question.

Just explain your reasoning to your dad. Im sure he'll understand

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/12/2014 17:45

Glad it's been resolved OP. I think you can't really rely on secrets being kept if you tell them, that's my experience anyway... Tell nobody and then it will remain a secret.

youareallbonkers · 27/12/2014 19:09

Why wouldn't you tell people the date? People only ask to be polite, no one else is really bothered

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