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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my OH BU to expect this?

25 replies

Joolsy · 25/12/2014 19:27

Had my brother round for Xmas dinner today along with OH's sister & her family. I was rushed off my feet as I did most of it, OH & his sister helped out here & there. My brother however did nothing - just sat there, and my OH thinks he should have helped, however, it didn't really bother me as he's never been domesticated and probably has never washed up in his life (single, lives alone, survives on pasties & other takeaway food). So I feel it's a bit late in life to expect him to help (he's 45). OH thinks I should have asked him to help but he's a guest. Who is right?

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 25/12/2014 19:29

A guest shouldn't be expected to help. Assuming your OH lives there then you and he should have shared the load.

Sn00p4d · 25/12/2014 19:30

I don't know, I think if you invite someone round for Christmas dinner you cater for them, sure it might be nice if they offer to help, although I'd probably decline as they're a guest at my suggestion.
If he foisted himself upon you for the day then he should be helping, depends who instigated I think!

oneowlgirl · 25/12/2014 19:32

I think it's nice if guests offer, but really, does anyone take them up on it?? I think your brother was fine as he was.

oswellkettleblack · 25/12/2014 19:42

It would have been nice of him to offer.

Kundry · 25/12/2014 19:48

Guests shouldn't be expected to help - equally however they should offer.

mamapain · 25/12/2014 19:49

Exactly what oneowlgirl said.

flowery · 25/12/2014 19:52

It would have been nice if he'd offered, but you were right not to ask. Surely more than one pair of extra hands is more of a hindrance than a help anyway, unless you have a gigantic kitchen.

MammaTJ · 25/12/2014 19:52

Nonsense about guests not being expected to help! I would be there offering my pair of hands!

YDPINBU, you should have said 'Oi, could you do this job'.

simbacatlivesagain · 25/12/2014 19:53

Tell your OH that you should have asked all the guests who offered to clean your loos and bathrooms. All guests should muck in- maybe they could have done a bit of decorating or taken the rubbish to the tip.

Only joking- guests dont need to help.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 25/12/2014 20:07

Guests don't need to help (but should make an offer which is declined), however family close enough to spend christmas with should make the same offer and be accepted.

TheReluctantCountess · 25/12/2014 20:10

Your oh should have helped more. Your db was a guest.

Littlefish · 25/12/2014 20:13

"So I feel it's a bit late in life to expect him to help (he's 45)."

It's never too late to expect him to help. Of course he didn't offer he's spent his life with people making excuses for him.

He should have offered even if you declined.

MinceSpy · 25/12/2014 20:29

Guests shouldn't be expected to help. Your OH should have helped more.

CassieBearRawr · 25/12/2014 20:38

Your guests shouldn't be made to help, but it's nice for them to offer.

But your brother should also learn how to be a suitably functioning adult.

MidniteScribbler · 25/12/2014 20:44

If you're reason for not expecting him to help is that he is 'undomesticated' then YABU. Any idiot can figure out how to put some plates on the table, or pour some drinks, or wash a few dishes/stack a dishwasher. No wonder he never does anything if everyone runs around doing it for him, sounds like he has you all well trained to let him get away with being a lazy twat.

Littlef00t · 25/12/2014 22:17

Family should muck in, and be prompted where required. friends should offer buy not be asked.

fairylightsonthetree · 25/12/2014 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MQv2 · 26/12/2014 00:29

With your dp on this

Big difference between dinner guests who are friends or the like and family over for Christmas dinner

Taking this piss to just sit there tbf

AmyElliotDunne · 26/12/2014 00:39

Can't believe how many people, think guests shouldn't be expected to help. If someone is kind enough to cook me dinner, especially a big time/labour intensive one like Christmas dinner, the least I can do is offer to help peel a few carrots and deliver some dishes to the table and then help clear up afterwards.

My dp was on his feet all morning cooking dinner today, some of the family pitched in and helped with prep, some of us brought things we'd made in advance to help out, most of us also cleared up afterwards and then made tea and coffee for people. Why on earth should he have had to do all of that himself, as well as shelling out over £100 for the privilege of feeding us all, while we sat on our arses watching TV? I couldn't have done it, much as I hate tidying and washing up, I hate lazy unhelpful people more!

WooWooOwl · 26/12/2014 00:47

I wouldn't mind him not helping.

If you didnt need his help then there is nothing for your oh to worry about, if your oh needed his help then he could have asked.

As long as your brother was engaged with you all and was polite in all other ways, it seems pointless to make an issue of it.

minklundy · 26/12/2014 00:49

45 is not too late. It is time he learned.
But depends if your OH thought your db ought to do more so he (OH) could do less or so you didn't have to do any clearing up of you did the cooking.

One of my friends cooks fir her ils every year. After dinner mil goes for a nap cos she is so tired. She is lazy cow imo who should not get invited back. It is disgraceful to watch your hosts work all day and do hee haw to help. I would just clear the plates in such a way that the pile ended up in front of her.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 26/12/2014 01:20

People still want guests to offer knowing they're going to refuse?

That's one game in the comedy of manners that I can't be bothered to play.

Your brother was fine. He was a guest, he's also your brother and if you'd genuinely needed help I'm sure you could have asked him.

AdoraBell · 26/12/2014 01:41

So basically OH WBU to accept help from his sister, because she was a guest, no?

I agree that guests should not be expected to help but if those guests are immediate family the social rules are little looser.

VinoTime · 26/12/2014 01:58

I would never go to somebody's house and expect to be waited on hand and foot. I was raised to have manners. You always offer to help, even if you know you'll be flapped away and told to go and relax.

I would be equally shocked by anybody who came to my house as a guest and just sat on their backside without offering a helping hand. I would in all likelihood tell them I didn't need any help, but I consider it courteous to at least be asked.

Even my 7 year old daughter helped set/clear the table before and after Christmas dinner at my family's house today, because she's been taught that it's polite to help somebody who has gone to the effort of hosting for you. She didn't need to be asked, she just got on with it.

Rather shocked that anybody thinks it's acceptable to park their arse and do nothing when others have very kindly gone to so much effort to prep and cook a meal for them

Purplepoodle · 26/12/2014 08:31

Have this with mil every year. I have to hover and offer to help every half hour or she moans to DH after xmas that I didn't do anything - it's exhausting. I wish she woukd just ask and tell me what to do, Iv told her this but every year the same. If your OH wanted your db to do something then he should have asked him

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