to be really peeved with my DH? LONG, sorry!

[19lottie82]

Just a rant more than anything........ as I think I ANBU but I'm sure my DH thinks I am!

My DH is notoriously bad with money, he thinks nothing of wandering into Tesco / M&S Food, spending £100+ and coming out with enough to cook 2 meals and a load of tat inc £4 a pack ham that gets chucked in the bin because it doesn't get eaten in time, posh individual cheesecakes, party food, you get the idea.

He also really spoils his 2DD's 10 and 14, (My DSD's), mainly trying to make up for their useless Mother (she's an alcoholic and is always building up the kids hopes then letting them down, long story), which I have no problem with as long as we can afford it.

We are currently trying to save a house deposit (so we can be nearer the , well to be exact, I have saved £7k and my DH has put in £1k, but asked for £200 of that back 2 weeks ago as he "needed" a new part for his car.

He is a mechanic and earns OK ish money, plus homers but is always being "skint" 2 weeks after payday despite never ever saying no to the girls, even if they don't ask for anything he still insists on spending at least £80 on a trip to the pictures / bowling + a meal at least once a week and spending at least £100 a month on clothes for them. Again I have no problem with this WHEN we have the money. He would rather die than say "no sorry kids we can't afford it" if they asked to go see

I know a lot of people will say we are married so should share finances, but I refuse to for the reasons above, plus his credit rating is trashed (mainly to do with his ex in fairness, tho he certainly hasn't helped)
and mine is great. The new house purchase will be in my name alone.

OK so that's the back story (sorry!)

The last couple of weeks things have been a bit tight in terms of disposable income, but we got all the presents paid for blah blah blah. I let him use my credit card (apx £200) and he said he had a pot of £ from jobs he had done with a mate after work and that would be getting split this week and he would pay me back then.

Anyway he took the kids to the pictures last weekend (I stayed in to sort the house) , and as soon as I came through the door my heart sank. He was laden down with bags from Marks and Spencers, Next, blah blah blah. At a guess he had spent circa £300 on Christmas outfits for the kids (even though he bought them both a new xmas outfit a few weeks ago), extra Christmas presents for people we have already bought plenty for, and loads of snack food from marks and spencers. He then pulls out a "present" for me, a £18 candle, and gives me a kiss. I felt like screaming, honestly.

Then today I speak to him and ask for the money so I can pay the credit card and he goes all quiet. I said I thought he was getting the £ from the pot at work and he says " well I used that last week (ie. for the shopping trip) as I was a bit skint", then doesn't say anything for a couple of seconds and begrudgingly says "ok I'll get it for you".

He said to me previously he wants to have a minimum of £500 put aside, so we can have days out with the kids over the holidays........

He just seems to splurge money like water and live a champagne lifestyle, while I put all my spare money towards a new house (and tbh the only reason we are moving is so that DSDs can be nearer their school and friends, I'm leaving the area where all my friends are and I love living in). If it was left to him the new house would NEVER happen. I just feel like he'd rather buy the kids another new outfit rather than put it towards a house so they can be nearer their school and friends.

Again, sorry just a rant really....... He's not all bad, I guess we just have differing attitudes to money (hence why we keep our finances separate)

You are a family though, and it's a family home and family money. He isn't going to change his spending habits easily because he can't see it IYSWIM.

Hence making it a "family" venture giving the girls a say in what treats they want etc. It would be an amazing gift to give the girls your money ethic rather than his. This way it is not you saying spend less on the girls - it's about your dh and the girls making an INFORMED choice, the girls are probably completely unaware that moving house is dependent on savings occurring.

Make it into a positive thing - how quickly can we save the money up without us compromising on the things we really want to have/want to do.

my DH was useless with money when I met him, still would be if he had chance! He's also got poor credit etc etc
When we moved in together he gave me his online banking details n I took over his finances. He has his bank card but I budget for everything ie £100 for fuel, £100 for days out with kids etc. tbh it did take ages but eventually after I kept showing him the spreadsheet so he could see with his own eyes that if he decided to splash out n spoil the kids that would mean there was no money in the pot to do it again for another month.
He's still not perfect but there's a massive improvement.
Also due to his poor credit we aren't finanially linked in any way but we still share money, if I need money to pay a bill or whatever I just transfer it over.
I personally find money n financial security a big thing, I honestly don't know if I would have stayed with him if things hadn't have changed.
Good luck x

Seriously OP are you sure you want to sink all that money into a house that he will immediately own half the equity in when he is so useless with money?

I know it must be hard but rather than inwardly seething whenhe does these things can you not tackle it head on and say "that will have to go back."

Do you ever feel like his mother?

My Dad taught me about choosing not to be able to afford something.

It's not nice feeling poor and skint. If I had it I'd spend it and enjoy it but I eventually learnt that I had options with money. I can afford a £50 steak for dinner tonight if I wanted, but I have better things to do with the money.

I totally missed the step kid is due.

You need to agree a budget asap. Why is he buying extra food from the most expensive shops/did he ask if you were short of anything?

Also, you need to address the gift buying for the girls. He is buying their love. He is teaching them life is all about material things and how much stuff you have. More shoes does not equal more love.

Does he ever see in black and white a bank statement then a list of outgoings or is it all a lovely fuzzy blur of denial? Its all very well living in denial re money if you are single but you both have a house to save for and responsibilities.

If none of the above work you might need to resort to what a lot of my female friends have done after similar problems: Your partner gets cash allowance weekly off you for lunch and pub etc and you hold the cards and are in charge of the bank account/control all spending. Yes its treating them like kids but my friends had exhausted all other options and were getting further into trouble by the day.

Where would he be living with his two DC if he weren't in your flat? How would he fund his lifestyle then? I actually think that is an important question to ask yourself before you get defensive about Wibbly's (I think) suggestion that you should get rid. She is right that he is getting an easy ride; he has moved his family in with you, he is hoping for a more spacious house in a more convenient location paid for by you; and he is chucking money away because he wants to be a good dad.

I do the single parent guilt buying, and I am trying to get on top of it. It is because there is never enough time, there is only you, you are trying to fill the other parent shaped gap in their lives. And part of the problem if space is cramped is that it is just nice to go somewhere else. So part of the issue is cheaper days out which don't involve expensive attractions etc.
I think there is a lot of good practical advice on this thread, but he needs to be happy to work with you. Agree about getting DC involved, even my youngest understands no, I don't have money for that right now.