To ask what would be reasonable contact for ex mil in these circumstances?

[exmrs]

Will try to keep brief
Ex husband left 2 years ago and messed about with son for contact trying to fit around a hobby and then said he wouldn't see son so has no contact as he would go 4/5 weeks with no contact and son was only young at the time so I said it wasn't on.mil agreed he should see son more

Son previously went every other weekend to mil from sat 130 till sun till 4 but have found out ex mil has been running to her son telling him what I have spent in my home and so he is funny about paying maintenance and pays the bare minimum.

She has been in my house agreeing with me about the disgusting treatment of both myself and my son but it seems she just been 2 faced as we had a massive argument about her telling false information to my son about his dad had been there for him and he was never a bad dad, for the record I have never said he is a bad dad this is my sons feelings after being let down and weeks of no contact.
She also forced my son to see his dad but she denies this.

She then back tracked anything she had ever said about her son and told me to stay away from her family as I told her my sons surname would be changed as ex agreed to me changing . This is despite her changing her sons surname twice after divorce!

She said a lot of things which were nasty like I'm rolling in it on benefits and maintenance money

Anyway due to all this aggro I reduced contact to every 3 weeks he goes sat till Sunday and we don't speak I just open the door as I didn't want her in my house looking around.
But this arrangement isn't working as I can't plan ahead as if something happening at school or a friend puts me on the spot asking about play dates /partiesI have to work out as parties are always at weekend but son is missing out as parties somehow happen to land on her weekend.

I thought it would be easier if it was a set first weekend of the month he goes so that is easier for everyone involved to remember and plan and he going for approx 27 hours so that's a long time.

She kicked off saying it's too long in between visits so I reminded her the crux of why we fell out as I said it was unacceptable for ex to go so long like 4/5 weeks with no contact and she said it was acceptable and he was a good dad despite for 2 years saying it was wrong.
So it's ok for a dad to not see his son used to seeing him every day to go to every 4 weeks but it's not acceptable for a grandma.
When I said which is it then acceptable or not she said it's not about my ex it's her.

It is true I do want to reduce contact not cut her out but she has done several things overstepping boundaries like getting my son to do fathers days cards when my son was angry at his dad.

I also don't want her filling my sons head with an idea of the fantasy dad she thinks he is.

What contact would be reasonable considering we do not speak ? IS. once a month for a full day too little?

Thank you everyone for your replies I'm going to gauge how frequent she sees him off my son whether he wants to go or not.

Just to mention, I've seen at least one thread here where a parent felt it was no longer in their child's interests to have regular contact with a difficult MiL, the GPs took it to court and got quite a high level of court ordered access despite their previous behaviour and not a great deal of previous contact with the child because of the value the court put on the child having a relationship with their family over the child experiencing 'low level abuse'.

Court can be the best option in some situations but it's worth keeping at the back of your mind that once you're in the hands of the court the decisions may not go in the direction you hope.

I think you need to turn it back on her and ask her what she would prefer

a) First weekend with DS when it will be completely up to her what DS does
b) Every 3rd weekend provided she supports DS in what activities he wants to do during that time, either a regular hobby or attending friends' parties

Explain to her at the moment DS would prefer the first option because he resents not being supported by her to go to parties etc.

Ignore all the she said/she did things and actually focus on what is the issue of contact with her that stops DS wanting to go/enjoying it.

She has do everything the damage by doing things behind your back and being two faced so ultimately she has caused her reduced contact.

I wouldn't send him. I think she will get worse over time and be filling your DS's head with all sorts of crap. I think she has proved she can't be trusted.

Let her take you to court. I think it's rare for a court to award a GP rights. I don't see that she has any right at all. I like wwhat a pp said about letting her DS sort the contact out as it isn't your problem.

I agree with Nannyogg. I have gone nc with my mil since i seperated from her son in october.

She sat in my house and lied about his whereabouts before we split up. I was in a state for days not knowing where he was.

We hadnt got on for months but my ds was worried about his dad.
She never liked me when we were together anyway. My ds has contact with her when he is with his dad which i am happy with but i want nothing to do with her

I usually always find I agree with NannyOgg but on this occasion I don't. If I had a dc who for whatever reason was not interested in engaging with their own offspring I'd really hope I could be involved anyway without having their bad behaviour held against me.

Thanks!

I would agree with you in a 'normal' situation, but because this MiL has behaved badly to the OP I don't think it's down to her to facilitate.

Im nc with ex-mil. She ignored 3/4 of my bdays prior to separation. So children see her when exH has them. Its during his time. He arranged. She is not my problem.

At 8, if this were to go to court, your sons thoughts and wishes would be taken into consideration.

It's completely inappropriate of his GM to dictate whether he is allowed to go to a party or not! I really think you ought to protect his right to socialise with his peers and be included in their celebrations. GM will just have to be flexible and see him later and if she can't be flexible, then she misses the weekend entirely.

The courts can't abide inflexibility, IME, so she's doing herself no favours in being so awkward.

I'd say cut out the overnight stays, if your DS is no longer really enjoying it and reduce to day contact, on a day to suit you and DS, once or twice a month.