To NOT Give her a reference?

[distantdrum]

Long story but don't want to drip feed...

A woman I met on the school run 12 years ago whom I became good friends with through our DDs has asked me for a reference for the 2nd time in 2 years.

We used to get on really well and did a lot together (weekends away, family holidays). She never worked in all the time I knew her as she had MH issues and was in receipt of DLA. She studied during this time though and got some good qualifications in computing.

Over the years our DDs had a few fall outs and we always tried to stay out of their "drama" but I began to find her more and more "entitled" as they say here on MN, expecting me to be available for her at the drop of a hat, with childcare, dogcare etc. when she never reciprocated.

At her suggestion she became a casual CM for me when I was working part time 2 days a week when DCs were 4 and 8 years and she was paid for this (by me obviously....and I would assume didn't declare it to the Benefits Office)..not judging, it wasn't much money and would have really messed her benefits around but trust me, this is relevant.

Our DDs drifted apart and they moved out of the area 2 years ago. Through a mutual friend I heard that she'd had her benefits STOPPED and would have to find a job very quickly. Despite not being employed for 15 years she managed to get a part time job as a data inputter with the NHS, on her CV she stated I was her "previous employer" based on a couple of hours unoffical CMinding a week for less than 6 months so they contacted me for a reference...she never actually contacted me AT ALL, the first I knew of it was when I got a phone call at work asking for it. I was taken by surprise but gave a good reference and was very complimentary about her, even though I diddn't actually "feel it" IYSWIM I thought it would be in the best interests of her family if she got a job ASAP as they would be well skint with no benefits coming in. The lady I spoke to said "based on the reference you;ve just given we're going to offer her the job". I contacted friend by text to tell her all this and she replied "Thanks"...nowt else. I heard absolutely NOTHING else from her, not how the job's going or ANYTHING AT ALL...so TODAY out of teh blue almost the exact same scenario for a different NHS dept has occurred, but this time it was via e mail.

AIBU to say this?..."Sorry, but I haven't seen or spoken to Mrs X for 2 years and don't feel qualified to say whether she is a suitable candidate for this post" cos that;s what I FEEL like saying?

AIBU?

Between xxxx and xxxx Ms Q worked for me as . . . and performed her duties to her entire satisfaction.

Go on, I dare you.

It wouldn't hurt you to give her a reference would it. I mean you made a comment about her not working for 15 years and now that she is looking for a refence to get back to working you're uming and arring.

Just say she worked for you as a childminder from X-Y and her work was satisfactory. That's all they are asking for probably.

Last nhs job I applied for needed a certain period of checkable work history so they may just be covering dates.

Your last reference will probably still be on her file and truthfully they'll be taking far more notice of an internal reference for her suitability for the job.

No one will expect you to wax lyrical about an employee from two years ago and truthfully it takes precisely seconds to confirm her work dates and that she's not Myra Hindly.

She has been rude/entitled about getting you to do it but does that really justify you potentially ruining a job offer? That's pretty spiteful for the sake of an email and you don't strike me as that way from your posts.

She has a lot of front.

If the job she applied for was in childcare that would have been tricky and you would have to give details.
As her new job is completely different role you only have to give the facts i.e. dates etc.
It will not hurt you.

As for the benefits, well of course you can not judge her. You were involved into that and it suited you then,

Give her the referemce. It might be the last one as she now has two NHS references for the next time.

Oh now i read the other posts so i will add:
And what 'officer' said above, agree with her.

It's not a fabulous job, it's a minimum wage data inputter, just more hours. I'm not "jealous" and I have no intention of "fucking up" anyone's career path.,..some people on here just twist words don[t they..and goad maliciously. Hmm..

FWIW I have now given the reference which states dates and not much else. I have been perfectly civil but said, "in light of my not having seen or spoken to Mrs X for over 2 years, please remove my name from further reference requests".

And although I didn't want to drip feed, her story isn't particularly inspirational. She always claimed she couldn[t work due to her mental illness but when the DLA chanegd their critera for disability benefits, she didn't qualify and could miraculously work again.

Her mental illness didnt stop her drinking, going out on the lash most weekends and other ordinary behaviour, it just seemd to stop her "working".

I also looked after her DCs frequently when she was at college or socialising, when she offered to look after mine initially I just assumed it was a reciprocal arrangement and was taken aback when she mentioned cash for it, but I went along with it to help out.

And teh last time I asked her to do anything for me she texted back "No, I can't"...no "sorry" or explanation...it was to watch my dog when I attended a funeral, so I felt a bit used frankly when the initial request came through 2 years ago.

Seems no good deed goes unpunished eh?

...and the CM consisted of picking up DCs from school and looking after them for 1.5 hours 2 days a week until DH could come and collect them...something I did for her frequently for no charge.

Keep going - you're letting all out now.

Btw, if it's for the nhs then it is not a minimum wage job because even their lowest point on the pay scale starts at £7.43 per hour (based on 37hrs per week).

Data input for the NHS is not a bad job. She's done well.