Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Leaving my OH because he's mean with money

41 replies

yellowxo · 23/12/2014 12:42

Been together for 4 years, He was generous and nice to begin with now he's the opposite we moved in with his mum because he didn't have enough money for a mortgage to buy somewhere we rented a flat at the time so we moved in he said it would take 6 months max, it was hell to be honest i got PND and felt like I couldn't bond with baby cause his mum was always around. It took us a year to move out then he drops the bombshell he doesn't want my name on the house cause I haven't worked for it (Im a sahm with dd) family told me to go along with it so I did but I have a lot of resentment towards him, He never gives me money i have to ask him for some he has around 13k in his bank account and I have 30 quid (seriously) I only have CB I was working at mcdonalds evening shifts until 2am but I couldn't get up with DD in the morning properly OH wouldn't help me pay for DD's childcare for a couple of hours in the morning I was knackered so I unfortunately had to leave. I've got a place to study nursing next year, OH yet again doesn't want to help pay for childcare and expects it to come out of my student loans, he wants me to claim as a single parent so he doesn't have to pay anything towards it and he can save towards paying off the mortgage, he says he's doing it for "us" but i see no evidence my name isn't on it and I could get into a lot of trouble.

I get nervous & stressed about asking him for money, seriously I even lie about what I've spent money on, I'm not talking a designer handbag or a pair of shoes, I'm talking a bottle of coke he has a go at me all the time about money , my clothes are all ancient it just seems so unfair he has 13k in his account and I've got nothing. He believes I don't work and I haven't earn it it's making me upset but I have no idea how to leave where to go. etc, I want to work it out but can someone like him ever change?

OP posts:

YouCanDoItNow · 23/12/2014 13:28

Wow, sorry, missed this bit.

he wants you to commit fraud and pretend to be a single parent! That would be your risk! You are the one with no security and not only that he wants you to put yourself at risk of prosecution.

You have to break up with this man. He will never change.

IDontDoIroning · 23/12/2014 13:28

This is why women should never have a child or worse still be a sahm without sorting out house ownership /finances first getting married . Sorry I know this doesn't help you

If he's on £45k then he must be taking home over £2000 a month - if you go to the CSA he will,have to give you (I think) 15% not sure if it's net or gross which is going to be over £300 minimum.

Please walk away from him go to the CSA - do this as this man will never put you and your dc interests first. The only reason he has been able to save this money is than he has been literally taking food out if his childs mouth by expecting you to be the only person responsible for his child.

Viviennemary · 23/12/2014 13:29

I think you'd be better off to go it alone than carry on with this selfish man. He doesn't want you on the house deeds. If you're not married and you split up you might be homeless. He is a true scrooge. Get rid.

YouCanDoItNow · 23/12/2014 13:33

lol at swap him for tax credits! do it.

Please don't marry him! he's not worthy of you. He is nowhere near fit to be the man you share your life with. You are a decent person and a good mother and you're studying to be a nurse.

He is a sheister who wants it both ways. He won't share his assets with you and he wants you and you alone to bear the expense of raising a child. He won't share the cost of childcare with you even though it's his child.

Don't degrade yourself by raising the subject of marriage again he is not fit to be your husband.

Go and find out about tax credits and allowances. I told the people at the social welfare everything when I left. They could see I was genuine because I was so upset (but not crying). I just told them honestly the buggers muddle I'd ended up in and allowances were sorted out fairly quickly. I work now and I have my own place and I don't need him thankfully.

Froggio · 23/12/2014 13:33

YANBU and well done for being brave enough to make this decision as I'm sure it was a tough one. It does sound like financial abuse though. Relationships and partnerships are all about give and take. Eg. One of you stays at home to looki after the child while the other goes out to earn the money for the family to share. I'm not sure he will see any issue with what he's doing. He may change temporarily to stop you leaving but his controlling abusive nature will come across in other ways eventually.

bleedingheart · 23/12/2014 13:35

I despise people who think the SAHP is not entitled to any money because they don't 'earn' it.

a) Yes they bloody do!
b) They are saving the money that would go on childcare and often doing all the household jobs too.
c) If there is money available, why would you begrudge someone you love having a new jacket or paying for three hours childcare?

yellowxo I think you might find yourself better off in many ways if you did leave. I'm sorry your family encouraged you to live in the house without your name on the deeds.
Romance and trust are great but a bit of self-preservation should be maintained.

scallopsrgreat · 23/12/2014 13:55

What are you getting out of this relationship? And what is bringing to the relationship/family?

Because it doesn't seem like its money or support or childcare or much love.

"The only thing to do in abusive relationships is leave (and go straight to the cba)." Nail. Head.

"swap him for tax credits." Absolutely!

DaisyFlowerChain · 23/12/2014 14:06

This is why not working is never a wise choice, it's always best to try and maintain a salary even if only part time.

I can understand if you are not married and he is paying the mortgage alone that he wants to be the sole person on the deeds. That's sensible whether male or female. When married, it doesn't matter as assets are classed as joint.

If you leave, it's very likely you'll get help with childcare costs.

RedSoloCup · 23/12/2014 14:18

What an asshole, do you even like him, really?

OP, sometimes the hardest steops are the best ones you can take.

TinkerbellaPan · 23/12/2014 16:09

You will be far better off without him. I did a rough calc and he may be earning over £3k a month post tax (I earn over £2k and am on a lot less than him). As Idont said - go to the csa.

supersop60 · 23/12/2014 16:51

Don't marry him, he sounds controlling and financially abusive. I don't believe he will change, so I think you'd be better off in every way without him. Wishing you all the best

FlowerFairy2014 · 23/12/2014 17:09

Dreadful. As others have said this is why it is better for women to keep on with full time work if they possibly can to protect them and their children in future even if it feels very hard to keep that (and perhaps don't put out or move in until you have a wedding ring if the man earns more than you do!).

VoldysGoneMouldy · 23/12/2014 17:25

He isn't mean - he's controlling and abusive. Leave.

blueshoes · 23/12/2014 17:49

OP, you are right to leave him. Do you have any place to go with dd, like your parents'?

Agree with others about looking up your tax/benefit situation and consulting CSA. Do all that prep quietly before you leave.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 23/12/2014 19:43

What real life support do you have? Leave, this man does not value you.

jonrotten · 23/12/2014 19:51

Op, this is my first husband to a tee.

I did leave (after 8 miserable years) and swapped him for tax credits.

I have now remarried. Everything is joint. Everything is joint account/joint savings. That's how it should be, we are a family. All money is OUR money, and yes, I am a Sahm to our baby. Dh doesn't begruge a penny of his earnings as he arms for us, for our family.

That's how things should be.

Flip

1 2