WIBU/WWYD Punishment involving Santa?

[juicycelebrity]

My dc did something at school on the last day that was serious enough to warrent an internal exclusion on the first day back. They are in y6.

Dh and I are totally ashamed of their behaviour and left the dc under no illusion about how we felt. However poor behaviour has been creeping back in (we had external support before for their anger) and I really don't think they get how serious it is. For example when their nan went to talk to them about it and how upset I was, they said "not this again" and when I have spoken to them, they keep focusing on the trigger and not actually what THEY did that was wrong.

I've taken all electronics away and there is no return date. I am letting them watch some TV under supervision.

Santa has kindly bought both my DC a new bike. I am 90% thinking that Santa brings everything except the bike for this particular dc and leaves a letter to say that the bike has not been left due to their behaviour but is prepared to make a special trip once Dc has shown they have made a consistent effort to improve behaviour, in particular respecting the adults in their life.

I know I need to do something punchy to make a stand as Dc just isn't getting it. I need to tell Dc beforehand so they have time to process it and don't kick off on Christmas day as a bike will be arriving for the sibling.

I know there are some who will think I'm being too harsh but I am at a loss of what to do. If Dc does what they did at secondary school, they'll be out on their ear. I need to do something but I am lost. I've tried reasoning but it hasn't worked.

If I don't do this, what do I do? Other ideas will be appreciated.

I agree with Chimchar

I agree with everyone who is saying that this is dragging on too long, he knows you are disappointed in his behaviour and he has already been punished. Excessive lengthy punishments only lead to resentment and worse behaviour.
I would draw a line under it now and try to find something positive for him to build on.
I would also try to re-activate the outside help you were getting.

Try to forget it now and give the whole family a nice Christmas

If your DC was so angry they were screaming at school staff I'd want to know, as a parent, what had got them to the point they felt so angry towards the staff their behaviour became inappropriate.

Please don't fall into the trap of assuming the adults are right and the child wrong.

A good chat with the DC may open up a whole load of things you don't know.

Give them the bike, go out together on it, stop for drink and cake and chat. If you let them in they may open up but don't force it. Just let them know you care and will listen to them.

Punishment should be done with by now, it's bad enough the school are dragging it over the holidays, I assume you've got them to write letters of apology to the teachers involved? Build on the positivity of this.
As poster above said, Christmas gifts are an expression of love, not a reward, so I wouldn't withdraw them.
I think a chat without repercussions is in order, and avoid involving grandparents, your DC may well be ashamed of what they have done and not want everyone to know.

Thanks for all your comments. I'll discuss them with dh but I think we'll give the bike but go down the route of continued use is dependent on behaviour.

There was a trigger but dc didn't give it a chance to be resolved before kicking off and, regardless, their behaviour went way ott and they have to realise that. Had they done this at secondary, they'd have an external exclusion, had they done this at work they'd be on disciplinary procedures or even dismissed. To be fair to the school, they had no option but to drag it over the holidays and they have been outstanding with our children since they have been there. We fully support them.

This child is funny, witty and the light of our life but they do need to realise that they need to pause before they react and sometimes they need to be the ones to back down. It's hard to get that balance between understanding how they feel and their perspective and not excusing their behaviour thus causing them not to know or stick to the boundaries.

#dreadingtheteenageyears!

yes, we have already made him write letters of apology ready for the first day back.

Personally I think the school need to be supporting not punishing too. This DC obviously has difficulties in communication and emotional regulation. Punishment will not teach these skills - talking about the next times and recognising emotions will.

Have a look at the explosive child. Its very useful.

I'm not condoning shouting at adults and flying off the handle - but believe that if a child is doing it at 10 yo it's gone past the usual maturity issue and into a real need for support.

I expect your DC is embarrassed by his behaviour - there is always a depressed stage after a crisis stage of a meltdown.

Do you have an iPad or iPhone? The PIL app is brilliant and talks through the before during and afters of such incidents and helps the child recognise their feelings and better reactions to those. Any time you use this app you can email the form to chosen recipients. An idea way for you and school to communicate, watch for patterns and ensure everyone is following the same course of action for the same outcome.

Is the punishment "just" for shouting then?
I thought from the OP he must have been pretty violent from your description.
I'm not saying shouting was fine, but if you pull out all the stops on this, then you're left with nothing if he escalates.
Unless there's more to it than that, i'm slightly surprised at him being excluded too.

I think the "not this again" attitude is just he's heard everyone on the topic-if you're getting his nan to tell him how upset you are, he really is going to feel that no one likes him and he can't pull back from this. Anyway, why should she need to? Can't you tell him yourself?

I would:

1. Listen to him about why he found it unfair. My ds often thinks things are unfair. Sometimes I agree with him, and I will tell him so. But I will always say that arguing is not the way to address it.
2. Suggest how he could potentially sort the situation in a better way.
3. Request that he has some sort of get out place/person for school when he feels that way. That takes him to be mature enough to remove himself from the situation, so it's not an easy option. Perhaps could he write down how he feels?
4. Give him the bike, he's got punishment the whole holiday. In fact actually I would say Christmas day and Boxing day are festivals so the punishment is lifted for those days anyway, chances are he'll be busy enough not to want the electronic gadgets much anyway.
5. Give him an end to the punishment. Otherwise he's got no insentive to try. Either say you'll start afresh for the new term, or earn back something each week he's fine in school for January.

There are elements in what you say that suggest your son has some form of social communication problem, both in terms of his behaviour and rigid sense of justice. Maybe talk to the school about whether this is a possibility and/or get your GP to refer him to a paediatrician?

Your son sounds very much like I was, maybe not at 10/11 but certainly once I got to secondary school. When certain triggers were pushed, the pressure inside built up and up until I exploded. From the outside the triggers could seem insignificant (like someone repeatedly talking over me) but I would lose control. I was rarely violent towards anybody, but would kick doors, throw things, that sort of thing. Punishments wouldn't work for me because it was never a premeditated thing, I wasn't choosing to behave badly. Instead I needed support and strategies to help me not to lose control, something which was sadly lacking in my teenage years. It's only now as an adult that I am seeking help/a possible Asperger's diagnosis.

I have a child that is similar in senior school, although not so much at the teachers.

He knee jerk reacts without trying to keep calm and think of a resolution. He kicks off first. There are strategies that he is trying to use but he is sensitive and quick to temper.

If I had done what you are suggesting straight off he would be 1000% worse now. I have found that sitting and listening to him helps. He processes it easier. I also ask him what punishment would be fitting and he often States harsher ones than I would normally give.

It is not easy but we persevere and I think fingerscrossed we are getting there.

Am I right in thinking that there hasn't been a subsequent "crime", the problem is a lack of contrition? I'm not sure this is worth pursuing. You can't make them feel something that they don't want to consider or perhaps don't have the maturity to include along with their other feelings. I'd leave this one, and pick up opportunities to discuss "regret" at other times (their's and others').

I think taking away his Christmas presents is way, way, way OTT for losing his temper and shouting at his teacher.

Unless there's a lot more you're not telling us, he's been punished more than enough.

Let it go.