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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL thinks I should make more effort - is it me or her who is BU

50 replies

myfurbyisalive · 22/12/2014 16:17

OK so before current DP I had 2 other LTR's. In both of them I kept a little book with the birthdays of all siblings, siblings partners, nieces/nephews and parents ofc. I would always be the one to remember, buy the cards and presents for any occasion. No mean feat especially as one exP had 8 brothers and sisters and 10 nieces and nephews, as well as 5 parents (dad, step-mum, mum, current step-dad and previous step dad).

When I got with DP I decided I CBA with all that, it was DP's family and he should be the one to make the effort. So for xmas I buy my family cards and presents and get them sent out, same for birthdays, anniversarys etc. DP does nothing. Blames it on being too busy and will not even ring his DM on her birthday let alone send a card. He sees his parents about 2 times a year (we only live about 50 miles away). Gets annoyed when his mum calls and texts etc.

A bit back DM messaged me on FB telling me how upset SIL was that DP had not congratulated her on her engagement basically telling me I needed to do something about it. I told DP what had happened and he rang his sis but seriously it is not my problem/responsibility.

Now she made some snide comment about how she sends us lovely cards but gets nothing back in return. AIBU to think shes out of order to direct this at me at all rather than her son? Or should I be responsible for it?

OP posts:

DraggingDownDownDown · 22/12/2014 17:01

I do tend to do my DH family simply because I have more time than him as I only work two days per week and he is full-time. My children are also at school.

However, that is what works for us and I will admit that when I feel DH is being less than appreciative then I will remind him that he needs to sort out cards/presents etc.

whatever5 · 22/12/2014 17:02

YANBU If she address cards to your DP then she shouldn't expect you to send one to her. It is your DP's job, not yours. Just let her know that it his responsibility to send cards/gifts to his family. If she feels he is neglecting his duties she should speak to him directly about it and not involve you. .

whois · 22/12/2014 17:02

Why should the woman sort out cards and stuff for her DPs family? What did he do before he was with her?

I do my family. DP does his family. Its hard enough to remember my own family let alone a whole other one!

LineRunner · 22/12/2014 17:03

God yes, fuck that shit.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 22/12/2014 17:03

This is the subject of one of the few proper disagreements I have had with my MIL (who I generally love, and vice versa)

I refuse to do all the shitwork in my marriage, just because I am in possession of a vagina

She may have done it, but it doesn't give her the right to guilt trip the next generation, no sirree

She gave me a big telling off, took my refusal very personally and fell out with me for a while. However, I stuck to my guns on this (along with lots of other manpleasing stuff I object to) and she tells me she respects my stance now and wishes it had been possible to do that back in her day.

Butterpuff · 22/12/2014 17:08

I'm with AhoyMcCoy DH family are my family too now so I treat them the same as I would my own. So as I do cards, presents for my blood relations, I do it for my married relations too. DH does get nagged for ideas etc. though so has to help out.

RedSoloCup · 22/12/2014 17:11

YANBU, I'm jealous tbh and I pretty much do all this as it wouldn't happen otherwise #annoying....

RedToothBrush · 22/12/2014 17:13

Is your partner disabled making him unable to write or illiterate?

These are the only two reason I can think why it might be considered your responsibility rather than his.

I bet he doesn't do cards/presents for your family...

SmallBee · 22/12/2014 17:14

Urgh YANBU! Why it is ever the wife's responsibility to remember all of this? I think my in laws excepted my DH to see more of them once under 'my influence' but he is a grown ass man and I have my own stuff to nag him about. He either remembers or he doesn't but it is not on me & it isn't on you either.

Baliali31 · 22/12/2014 17:15

I think it's generalisation too. Apparently women should make up for a lack of thoughtfulness from sons. I wouldn't. YANBU - MIL needs to be directing that at her son.

Baliali31 · 22/12/2014 17:16

Sorry that should read generational!

capsium · 22/12/2014 17:16

I do my side of the family DH does his. However we will both help each other out when asked or offer help, eg if I've seen something DH's sister would like I will ask if he wants me to get it for her, we give each other stamps and ideas for presents, DH will buy stuff if I've asked him when he is going shopping - he will mentions things he has seen for my side of the family.

Nervo · 22/12/2014 17:18

My Mil phoned dh last year to say that she was hurt that he hadn't sent a card or given her a present for her birthday. Quite right too, she is a lovely woman who does so much for us.

I don't think he will forget again. He is generally a very thoughtful person.

So, yes YANBU.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 22/12/2014 17:21

DH does get nagged for ideas etc. though so has to help out.

Double ugh

Having to "nag" someone...awful woman-hating language. Men don't "nag" do they ?
He has to "help" out...that's like saying you "babysit" your own kids...it's not "helping" to do the shitwork. it's called taking equal responsibility

No wonder there is still, in the rapidly disappearing year of 2014, so much pressure for women to do it all when we still use cliches like this

Here is some reading for some of you

kissmasfairy · 22/12/2014 17:27

I don't do it. DP doesn't expect me to do it. However he often doesn't get round to doing it himself because he's busy and sometimes forgetful. And I suspect that his family probably think that it's my fault they don't get cards or get them late. Because obvs its a woman's job....

elfycat · 22/12/2014 17:31

But I don't do cards for my family, and even knowing that I have MIL on&on&on about the lack of cards from me. As soon as the ink was dry on the wedding cert she tried offloading the address list for the cards I would need to be sending.

errr no.

Within the last year she's given me a card to write for my niece. I suggested it to DH but he failed to write it, so the card went into the recycling.

We'll give her a thoughtful and expensive gift and there will still be a PA mutter about how hard it seems to be for us to write her a card, how much she likes cards etc.

It seems to be a thing harking back to some bygone age of wonderful penmanship in cards but probably also the pox, black death and great fires in London and can be used by controlling inlaws to suggest a character flaw in a DIL. Never underestimate the trivial when used as a bludgeon. It's very wearing in an emotionally abusive way. You are getting blamed for someone else's misery - WTF is that?

It sounds like her son wants the minimum possible to do with her. I'd be asking why? Only 50 miles away but he rarely sees her and gets irritated by her contacting him. I'm thinking he's escaped.

As for my MIL, her son has been a bit of a twat this year (whole 'nother thread) and one way or the other I will be NC with the whole side of his family forever. Bliss.

Leviticus · 22/12/2014 17:31

I agree with you in principle but I think it's petty to not send her a card back.

ScrambledSmegs · 22/12/2014 17:34

My DMil once sent me a list of all of the birthdays DH's family members. I passed it onto DH, naturally. I think it's obvious why he was so crap at remembering occasions if he wasn't expected to deal with cards etc for his own family. DMil I think was rather but I married a man, not a child.

He's got a lot better at sending out cards and presents since I made it quite clear to everyone that sending them to his (much larger than mine) side was his responsibility. And of course now that he does take responsibility I'm happy to send the cards etc on his behalf, as he does for me.

I hate the idea that it's a 'women's chore' . Someone on here made the point that a vagina is not an diary/address book. Damn right!

Original poster

myfurbyisalive · 22/12/2014 17:46

Was just on the phone to DP arranging some plans for tomorrow when he tells me he needs to get to the shops early to buy his boss an xmas pressie as he just gave him one. I said while youre out are you going to pick up a gift/card for your dad? 'No he didn't get me one' Fair point. What about your mum 'oh no I've spoke to her, she knows we're busy'

Why am I suddenly involved?? Why am I too busy to send her a card, she's your mum, why didn't you send one?! Long and short of it is he's still too busy to send a card and he said he will send something to her in February. Really? I'm half oh FGS and half, this is not my effing problem.

elfy
I think it is a bit of escaping. He doesn't seem to particularly care about/like his parents when he is very attentive and thoughtful with me and even with my family. Just yesterday he commented on a gift he thought my granddad would like.

OP posts:

frankie80 · 22/12/2014 18:26

I could have written the OP. My MIL is in a stop because she hasn't gotten a fancy christmas card from us. I don't do Christmas cards plus I'm forgetful anyway.

When I joked about how DH has to do all the wrapping cos I'm rubbish at it, she snapped that I should have everything wrapped for "when DH gets home"

(just like I should have a meal ready and waiting for "when he gets home" - which she said a while back).

No matter that I did all the bloody present shopping with my money (we have separate bank accounts) cos DH is too busy/clueless.

SuperMumTum · 22/12/2014 19:12

It has never crossed my mind to send cards to DPs family or shop for their presents. He forgot to send any xmas cards this year - his problem not mine. He hasn't done any xmas shopping yet - not a thing -and I expect they'll get whatever is left over in tesco on Wednesday afternoon. I couldn't care less, especially as I know he won't get me anything much either. The only exception I make is that I help DD to make and send thank you cards after xmas and her birthday as she loves doing it and I feel that appreciating her gifts and learning to say thanks properly is good for her. Under those circumstances I don't differentiate as the in laws are her family as much as my family are.

apotatoprintinapeartree · 22/12/2014 19:18

I think you are both to blame tbh.
You have done all this for a past relationship that hasn't lasted. Now you are in a relationship that is lasting and you cba.
Your mil is right, you could make the effort as she sends you nice cards/presents.
Your dh is an arse and should do this himself, mine is very similar, but I like my mil and his relations and couldn't leave them out when I send to my family
So both you and your dp ABU

SuperMumTum · 22/12/2014 19:19

I should add DP doesn't shop for gifts or cards because he doesn't enjoy it. Well if I only did things I enjoy the house would be a tip and we would eat cake every night for tea.

WeeFreeKings · 22/12/2014 19:21

anothernumberone spot on with Tbf she failed to teach him manners when he was growing up you cannot now be expected to step into the breech.

Why are you suddenly the surrogate mum expected to mother him with nagging him to buy cards or do it for him? If he earns his own money and had the means to get to shops (but not the will) then it's up to him to do it. I've done all my family's shopping (lots of siblings and nieces/nephews) and for our DD, and told my MIL and DM what to get her, and told them what to get him. He did his Christmas shopping today just for his parents (no others to buy for) and got his DM exactly what he got her last year!!! He'd forgotten he'd given it to her last year. Not my problem!

Tell her if she has a problem with effort that she should direct that comment to her son.

Alconleigh · 22/12/2014 19:43

Stick to your guns. In my current relationship I have refused to do any of this, having previously run round like a blue arsed fly buying everything for my family and my partner's family. Just no. Either her remembers or he doesn't. If people get hurt, that's on him.

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