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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be irked with DH over something admittedly minor?

22 replies

MerryChrisMiSantapologist · 22/12/2014 05:36

I had a medical procedure on Thursday (cardiac catheterization) which started off being just to confirm minor cardiac changes but ended up revealing a quite serious blockage for someone my age. I'm still rattled, examining my mortality, blah blah blah. At any rate, I have to make significant dietary changes, needless to say, along with taking new medications and dealing with restrictions on activity (couldn't drive til Sunday, for ex.) and stress level. I have what anyone would call a lot on my mind, in other words.

When we got home that evening, DH asked me if I wanted anything. I said all I really wanted, considering the new diet I'd have to be on, was my two favorite starters from our local Indian restaurant as kind of a "last hurrah". It was too late and we were both too tired to get it that night, but he promised it to me for lunch on Friday.

Have I had my starters yet? WHY NO, NO I HAVE NOT. I've mentioned them a couple of times but both times it was 'inconvenient' for him to go get them. Sunday evening, finally, I got cranky (because the only food we have in the house that is on my new diet is chopped salad, which I am so tired of that though I usually like it, it's starting to taste really shite). He noticed and asked why, and I commented that it wasn't what I wanted to eat and would rather be eating the Indian food.

That man actually said, and I quote, "Well, I've had a lot of stuff going on the past couple days..." and then when I laid on him the gimlet harpy stare that could melt the Hope Diamond he (unwisely) followed on with, "You could have gone and got it yourself!"

Yes, let me get right on that after I have worn myself out taking DS13 to urgent care for bronchitis, sitting with him, traipsing to the store for medications and coming back home again.

I think he has been a tit. AIBU?

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 22/12/2014 05:49

MerriChris firstly I'm sorry about your health concern, not good timing for the festive season (or any other time!).

Secondly YANBU, your DH should be getting that Last Hoorah Indian starter for you (at the double! Hup, two three four, yoooo orrible little man).

Lastly you are a fab person for saying

then when I laid on him the gimlet harpy stare that could melt the Hope Diamond

Look after that lovely heart

Inkspellme · 22/12/2014 05:50

I think you are being a bit oversensitive tbh. Having said that, I think you are prob upset and stressed having had a horrible time of late.

I also think that if it were me who was in your situation about the diet advice I wouldn't be looking at a last hurrah of food I had been told that I shouldn't eat for medical reasons. find something on your allowed food list to treat yourself to.

daisychain01 · 22/12/2014 05:58

MerriChris' DH

to be irked with DH over something admittedly minor?

daisychain01 · 22/12/2014 06:01

One dinky little Indian starter is hardly going to do any damage!

Dr Daisychain

Christmasbargainshopper · 22/12/2014 06:02

I think you are being unreasonable. You don't need a last 'meal', you need to look after your heart. Maybe your dh doesn't want to be the one providing you with it.

He will no doubt be worried about his wife and child, but you could get it yourself. I take it the Indian doesn't deliver?

Original poster

MerryChrisMiSantapologist · 22/12/2014 06:02

Ink, I agree that I shouldn't be eating that on the regular, but before I'd even left hospital on Thursday I'd decided that would be the end of "the usual food" and the beginning of the diet - and my doctor was standing next to the bed talking to us at the time. He totally nixed anymore Brie (sigh) or bacon (double, triple sigh) but didn't bat an eyelash at some aloo gobi. All I want right now is to eat the blasted starters; it's like closing a door. "Okay, those eaten, no more of that, now we eat this." And I've spent the past couple days re-writing most of my recipes (those that can) to use the heart-healthy ingredient list they've given me.

OP posts:

Christmasbargainshopper · 22/12/2014 06:04

It's thinking like that which puts you in the situation of having clogged arteries. Time to change your thinking on food and maybe reward your self with a non food treat.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 22/12/2014 06:08

Perhaps it has scared your husband,who loves you,and he's worried about you so doesn't really want to get something you shouldn't be eating?

Original poster

MerryChrisMiSantapologist · 22/12/2014 06:10

Actually, it's a genetic, luck-of-the-draw quirk that's put me in that situation. My mother has it as did my grandfather. I am what they call metabolically healthy - only mildly overweight, cholesterol not high, active, with low blood pressure. Please don't assume my diet consists of takeaway (which no, they don't deliver, we live in a tiny town and they close early); we order out once, MAYBE twice a month and I'm a quite good cook who does eat meat but relies heavily on vegetables.

DH is concerned about his wife, yes, but if that were the reason, he'd have said so; the main thing I'm so irritated with was the "I've had things going on". I think in the "things going on" comparison, I'd have a few more boxes ticked than he.

OP posts:

Christmasbargainshopper · 22/12/2014 06:15

I still think yabu, but I don't think you want to hear or believe that.

If it's not about the food, but a lack of support from your dh in general that would be different.

daisychain01 · 22/12/2014 06:20

Yeah I thought when I read the bit about things going on, what was so important???

Mrsstarlord · 22/12/2014 06:22

I think you have had a shock but so has your dh. Of course he's had a lot going on, his dw has had an op, he's found out that she has a concerning health condition which is lifestyle related, sounds like he has been coping with that on top of real life too. Cut the poor man some slack, you've both had it rough but it's you that wants the starter - assuming that you can now drive why don't you just get it yourself?

Original poster

MerryChrisMiSantapologist · 22/12/2014 06:23

I am willing to accept that I may BU about the choice of food.

However, I think IANBU about the way the not-getting was handled. I have never, ever given him shit for saying, "I don't think that's the best idea, maybe you'd like me to get something else?". It's the fact that he ignored it, brushed me off when I asked, and then when I got mad, acted as though HE had had such a rough week and as though if I had REALLY wanted it I would have got up against doctor's orders and driven into town to go and get it.

For comparison, after we got home on Thursday I was restricted to flat on my back bed rest with bathroom privileges only until Saturday noon, and am still on restricted activity (no lifting, pushing or pulling over 5lb until Tuesday), and spent most of the bed rest reading via tablet about coronary artery disease, the "widowmaker" heart attack, and recalling my mother and grandfather's illness, several times during that period being scared to the point of what we call the "ugly cry" (screwed up face, etc). He, on the other hand, is on break from his job as a Uni librarian until end of January, so spent the weekend occasionally bringing me more ice-water, otherwise feeding and walking the dogs, putting together dinner for the kids, and the majority of his time was spent either napping or reading.

OP posts:

Original poster

MerryChrisMiSantapologist · 22/12/2014 06:28

MrsStarLord, if I consider it tomorrow and decide I still want it, I shall go get it. I truly just wish that, having a pretty good idea what I was going to ask for, he hadn't asked if there was anything he could get for me, then promised me that thing for lunch the next day, then blown me off. That's all.

OP posts:

mix56 · 22/12/2014 06:40

YANBU, He is ........ I agree its not the food, its the H being a selfish bastard.
Most men have No idea about what a woman's life is like running a home etc. NONE. " a lot of stuff going on" is feeding the kids & providing the odd glass of water. Otherwise he is on holiday. He deserves a slap around the chops with a wet cod.
Please don't get him any if you go for yours !

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/12/2014 07:37

Yanbu. He was being thoughtless.
Sorry you have this. Good luck with all the changes.

Original poster

MerryChrisMiSantapologist · 22/12/2014 18:22

mix56 I have to go out to the grocery today, so I'll be sure to pick up some cod special for him! And thanks, TheReal. He's still being a bit of a butt about the whole thing - lot of things GOING ON, you know - so I'll be going out for myself then.

OP posts:

ifgrandmahadawilly · 22/12/2014 18:41

Yadnbu!

He seems really un-empathetic and thoughtless. He has a lot on his mind! pfft.

Having a problem with your heart is scary. Having an ablation can make you tired. So yes, you may be tired and emotional right now but you have a right to be.

windchime · 22/12/2014 19:36

LTB

daisychain01 · 23/12/2014 05:29

How are you feeling merryChris? Did you get your little treat in the end? I would have gone out for you myself if you live in my area

I don't think your "pull yourself together" message is called for, under the circumstances mrsstarlord.

Original poster

MerryChrisMiSantapologist · 24/12/2014 08:21

I compromised a bit - I sent DD15 up to the restaurant to get an order of each of the two starters I wanted (I'm not allowed to walk that far but she loves any excuse to walk with her iPod) and we shared them. So I've had my 'final bites' of bad-for-me food but only half an order of each, surely not enough to kill me.

Of course, now my family is trying to drive me screaming out into the night and my MIL is going to have a VERY VERY big surprise re: Christmas at hers (~350 miles/5.5 hours' drive away, we go almost every year). That surprise being: NO. Short version, they unexpectedly invited THEMSELVES (and my, what a large family) out for this year, which I was fine with as they always book a hotel when they visit and MIL offered to come down a couple weeks early to help 'green the house'. Plus, I was a bit over all the winter driving there and back. At some point between Sept when I was told this and the end of November, DH got it in his head that I was mad about not being consulted beforehand (actually wasn't, just surprised), talked to his mom, and they changed plans so that we would stay out here and they would come on the Saturday after. Only it was after Thanksgiving (am in the US) before anyone told me!!! It was another occasion for the Gimlet Harpy Stare, let me tell you.

I have thrown my hands up, informed DH that he and the kids will have lovely fun decorating the tree (just gotten yesterday!!!) while I wrap presents in the basement game room and by the time I come up the living room had better be positively FESTOONED in fairy lights (as was promised in September) or Hell will be knocking on the door for monies due. Doubly so if the 'lot of things going on/on my mind' excuse emerges from his pie hole ever again.

OP posts:

mix56 · 24/12/2014 13:05

Top marks merrychris.
Delegate !!
MY OH went on a wobbler last night as he was making the stuffing for the bird.....After I had been racing around all day getting house deco done, food, presents wrapped, laundry done etc etc, as his oldest son & family arrive today. He was on a jolly with a friend of his to buy said friend's son his christmas present...... er, yes.
So when he started getting needy sulking about making stuffing, he nearly had it stuffed where the son don't shine, he was told to basically to f off.

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