To expect DPs to spend (roughly) the same on my DCs?

[WaityCakey]

Hi

So... took delivery of Christmas presents off my parents today for dd 4 and ds 2.

DDs is something dd will really love and cost £20. They have also given DD a 2nd something - I can't make out what, maybe a book.

I wasn't asked for any suggestions for DS (they didn't ask for DD, I just asked my mum if something DD had asked for would be suitable to come from DPs) so had no idea what they might have got him. But DH said when we got home "what's this they've got DS, it feels like one of those £10 blah-blahs".

I opened up DS' gift and it is indeed a £10 toy grossly unsuitable for his age and will need to be put in the loft until he's older.

This has made me feel really awful and so sad for DS. I just have idea why DPs would have done this.

I have never known them to spend £10 on their DCs before. This is NOT about the actual money, it's about fairness. TBH it wouldn't bother me quite so much if the £10 had gone to buy something that ds would really, really love.

I do have several theories as to how/why this might have happened. But don't want to go in to too much detail on here. But either way, I find it really hurtful that they've spent more than double on dd than ds, and got her a totally unnecessary 2nd gift.

What do I do? I kind of want to address it. Because I want them to know it's hurtful. And I'd like to understand why. But then I don't want to cause a fuss when it's not worth it. They do have a bit to worry about right now.

Shall I just say "oooh... I noticed I've got 2 presents here for dd, but 1 for ds... I just wanted to check I'm not missing something?"

AIBU???

[Only1scoop]

You seem very focussed on costs of this gift that gift etc. To the point you opened it to see if it was the '10 pound' gift you suspected.

Awful

[Mehitabel6]

Some people make such hard work of Christmas as they over analyse and over control. I can't believe you opened his present!

[ZanyMobster]

If he is nearly 3 then it sounds fine TBH however if you really think it's unsuitable then let him open the gift, if he asks to open the box they just put him.off and then play with it with him when you feel he's ready. My boys loved stuff like that at age 2/3 but it just had to be something we did together rather that unsupervised if they were say 5 or 6.

I do understand how you feel about the difference in presents though, we have always as a family spent equal amounts. My mum spends a equal amount on everyone (including on DIL and SonIL)and will buy either one gift or a few that make up the same amount of money. We all tend to do the same.

I would be hurt if they spent more on a favourite DC or Go, my Xmil did this very spitefully. She would purposely by me something awful and in a big size etc.

[ZanyMobster]

I should add I would not be massively concerned over a few quid difference but a big difference in lack of thought is upsetting.

[randycheeseburger]

I would have been like you a few years ago, I had a feeling that my youngest DS wasn't thought of as much as his older brother and I used to get very annoyed and read things into everything, as they get older you learn to let it go.

[DaisyFlowerChain]

NeedsASock, I don't do vouchers or cash for children anymore since finding out on MN that lots of parents see them as fair game to spend on what they like and the child rarely sees them. Such a shame as its a joy as a child to have your own spending money for a favourite shop.

OP, Christmas shopping must be a right pain for you if you measure and cost things to the exact penny for both your chidlren. Cost I can understand but size? So if one wants a barbie and the other wants a board game it's a no no?

It's a wonder anybody buys for children anymore given the vetting, taking etc parents do.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

That's exactly why I stopped daisy

I've now decided to stop providing gifts at all for any children other than my own,it appears ownership is one of the only areas that we still treat children like crap. Its quite laughable that people think children need to be protected from the risk of having 2 furbys or 2 colouring books and don't appear to understand that its ok to assist with or supervise play with small toys

[WaityCakey]

Re taking away duplicate gifts. I take them back to where they came from to change them for something else. I would have thought that obvious. This can usually be done without asking for a receipt. A quick google will tell you where the toy came from.

And I'd take them off DCs so they don't get opened/spoilt.

TBH, the upsets happened when dc1 was much younger so difficult to understand.

Yes, most people ask for suggestions and will tell me what they are getting so I know not to make the same suggestion to someone else. I thought most people do this?

I do not check all their presents. Just those from people with 'form'.

It has proved invaluable at times. My DD got a barbie one year. Imo she was far, far too young. And apart from that I would never buy a barbie for my DC and will not allow them in the house. My dd would have been very upset if that had been taken off her. But there's no way it would have stayed in the house. This is another thread altogether!!

Re my own buying for my DCs. This year there is about £30 difference. But...this is only because one of the 'big' toys was cheaper than I'd expected. Their presents are completely 'balanced' though. They both have 1 big toy, one medium toy, one soft toy and they both have books (different price, but same number). I did wrangle with making up the cost to make up the price difference, but thought had about what the presents looked like and realised that visually they are very equal.

I have never heard of people using gift cards to buy for them self - that's awful! I have sometimes 'bought' the gift card of the DCs and used the money to get them something for a different store.

[DaisyFlowerChain]

Wow, you take back gifts to a store you have no idea if it actually came from or not just because Google says they sell it?

So it's ok for you to spend more on one than the other but very wrong when somebody else does it. Pot kettle black?

As for the barbie, what on earth will you do when your child has a school party. Vet the presents first and only allow her to reopen any you deem suitable? What will you answer when x child asks your dd if they liked the present but it's one that didn't meet your standards so was banished?

[WaityCakey]

I might ask where it came from if not obvious. I don't really see what the big deal is. John Lewis for example are very good at this. And I'm taking it back for an exchange, not money! If the shops are happy - what's it to you?

No, obviously I don't sit and vet 30+ b'day gifts! Yes, I would tell dd she wasn't keeping a bloody barbie! I'd change it for something much better. Even if it meant just buying something and sending the barbie to charity the bin where it belongs.

I am my dc's parent. I will decide what is appropriate for them or not. Just because someone is kind enough to give a gift, it doesn't mean they have carte blanch to give over any kind of gift, regardless of whether I think it suitable.

[WaityCakey]

And daisy if you read my earlier posts, I did say this isn't about being £ for £ exact. My dc's toy pile this xmas 'look' the same. They equate to the same volume of toy. Which in my book is fine. If there was a £30 difference because one dc1 had a big toy, a medium toy and a small toy but dc2 only had 2 medium toys, that would be entirely different. Not a difficult concept to get.

[DaisyFlowerChain]

The party invites must be a blast. Please ensure your gift measures x by x and doesn't contain any of the following unsuitable items

Poor relatives, they go to the effort to shop and wrap without realising that there's a high chance it will never actually make it to the child. Why not tell them not to buy and save them time, money and effort.

[WaityCakey]

Yes daisy that's exactly right and just what I've said. Most present bought for my DCs never actually get to them. Well done, you've read my posts really well and come up with a very intelligent and accurate summary.

[Only1scoop]

"Dh said this feels like a 10 pound blah and blah"

So is he the other partner in the cost police?

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

So have the courage of your convictions and do not accept it or ask the giver what they would prefer you do with it.

It is not yours to decide it is a gift given to your child not to you.

A simple "we don't allow barbies in the house would you like to choose something else or shall I" should do it.

[RJnomore]

Doesn't everyone swap duplicate presents? Isn't that just the sensible approach? Is it actually an issue to do?

[CallMeExhausted]

I think you might want to go back and verify the definition of gift, OP.

Initially, you were seeming a bit "off" and overly concerned with the size/value of a gift, but HOLY HELL!!!

I will be absolutely honest - if your children were related to me, I would be terrified to buy anything, lest it be judged as unworthy, and returned to the store that you googled that carries it for the highest value so you could choose something more appropriate for your children that fit so neatly into identically sized and shaped boxes.

I think I will now return to slamming my head against this brick wall - it hurts less than reading this drivel.

It is this "all must be equal for all children at all times" attitude that is breeding the "it's not fair!" generation.

And it will not end well.

[GlitzAndGigglesx]

Whatever happened to it being th thought that counts

[cherubimandseraphim]

My MIL has a habit of buying DD (2yo) very age-inappropriate gifts - not just ones that are normally OK if you suoervise

[cherubimandseraphim]

Agh! Sorry pressed send by mistake. I mean not just ones that are normally ok if you supervise, but stuff that has lots of small parts/choking hazards/chemical things in that are definitely not suitable. We have to vet them beforehand because despite having been asked repeatedly to look at the age restrictions, she still does it (and I have a box of stuff in the loft that DD can't have yet as a result :( ) I don't think it is unreasonable to vet presents or to withhold them for under-3s: a 2yo still may not be reliable in terms of not putting stuff in mouth and I wouldn't want a child that young playing with something like Meccano/Lego as it's still difficult to supervise completely with small parts.

[cherubimandseraphim]

(MIL turned up with a present yesterday for 2yo DD which was a card game for age 5+ that needs the child to be able to read - FFS! DD opened it and wanted it but can't really do anything with it which she was frustrated by - at least that's not unsafe, but I wouldn't have given it to her just for her to be frustrated if I had been able to vet it first.)

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

IMHO no, you do not exchange presents. Not if it's a "duplicate" and not if you just don't want it.

Clothing that's the wrong size being the only exception.

DD had 3 of those talking picnic baskets last year - she has one in her room, one downstairs & one at nanny's house! They all get played with, it would never have occurred to me to take a gift back .

[Mammanat222]

It does all seem a bit extreme?

Not only is the gift for DS too 'cheap', it's also unsuitable? And the OP's partner is in on the whole vetting of gifts as well?

You both sound like hard bloody work and ungrateful to boot

Look we've all been there... we've all had crap presents ourselves [or for our kids] but most normal people are gracious, polite and will swap anything they need to at a later date.

Duplicate gifts can be put to one side, same with anything unsuitable (IE not age appropriate). I don't get why you need to unwrap the gifts in advance??

[Floggingmolly]

It's an issue if you're ripping the duplicate present out of a screaming child's hands, RJnomore . Who the hell would do that??

[DaisyFlowerChain]

Too small clothing is the only item I would ever exchange and I would ask the giver if that was ok first. Anything too big gets saved and duplicates either get played with or we donate to the school fair. I don't take things back to shops with no receipt as why should there stock control be out as I don't want something? The gift would be DS's so he gets to decide what to do with it.

I must be quite slack as a parent as I don't open gifts in advance before they get to DS, he gets the joy of opening his own.