To expect DPs to spend (roughly) the same on my DCs?

[WaityCakey]

Hi

So... took delivery of Christmas presents off my parents today for dd 4 and ds 2.

DDs is something dd will really love and cost £20. They have also given DD a 2nd something - I can't make out what, maybe a book.

I wasn't asked for any suggestions for DS (they didn't ask for DD, I just asked my mum if something DD had asked for would be suitable to come from DPs) so had no idea what they might have got him. But DH said when we got home "what's this they've got DS, it feels like one of those £10 blah-blahs".

I opened up DS' gift and it is indeed a £10 toy grossly unsuitable for his age and will need to be put in the loft until he's older.

This has made me feel really awful and so sad for DS. I just have idea why DPs would have done this.

I have never known them to spend £10 on their DCs before. This is NOT about the actual money, it's about fairness. TBH it wouldn't bother me quite so much if the £10 had gone to buy something that ds would really, really love.

I do have several theories as to how/why this might have happened. But don't want to go in to too much detail on here. But either way, I find it really hurtful that they've spent more than double on dd than ds, and got her a totally unnecessary 2nd gift.

What do I do? I kind of want to address it. Because I want them to know it's hurtful. And I'd like to understand why. But then I don't want to cause a fuss when it's not worth it. They do have a bit to worry about right now.

Shall I just say "oooh... I noticed I've got 2 presents here for dd, but 1 for ds... I just wanted to check I'm not missing something?"

AIBU???

[GoodKingQuintless]

Yanbu.

My mother always remembered the Christmas where her older sister (by two years) got a magnificent dolls house, and she got a second hand book. From her godmother.

If this continues, your ds will indeed become very resentful of his sitster, and despise his grandparents. Way to go creating competition and bad feeling.

[RJnomore]

I don't know if anyone has floated this idea yet but is it possible one of DDs gifts was in the sale or a bargain?

I give gifts that probably look like they cost a lot more than they did because I shop around, use vouchers etc. and perhaps DS present cost face value?

I really cannot imagine getting myself in a state over this though, honestly, its not like one got an iPad and one a paper glider. However I ABSOLUTELY would take any gift I classed as unsuitable away for a 2 or a 4 year old, and yes probably duplicates as well, it isn't controlling at all, its called parenting. At that age it is your job to protect them.

[saoirse31]

yabu. very controlling and appear to have a bizarre monetary attitude to Christmas presents. you sound a bit like you'd take the joy out of any present giving... harsh maybe but I know someone who is similarly concerned re presents value.

[saoirse31]

and u really open their presents first to check them? I'm hoping that I misunderstood....

[DeWee]

I don't think this is a huge issue. It evens out over time generally.

What you do when ds opens it is either say, "ooh lovely, let's get a tray and you and daddy (or you if you prefer) can do it together", or you say "that's lovely, but it's a bit messy to get out today, it's time to

[HoHonutty]

I don't think the cost of it is important.

[SIMPLESAM]

I buy my nieces and nephews things which I think they will enjoy and will get the most use out of, I would hate to think their parents thought I was been unfair and hurtful because the prices aren't identically matched.

YABU.

[MoRaw]

This is so very interesting. You are making an issue out of this? Attributing motives, projecting your feelings, and generally turning what sounds innocent into a drama? I bet your DPs would be shock to hear your interpretation of their gifts. Surely you are not accusing them of being uncaring or malicious?

Your DS is 2 years. He will not care or read all this drama into this gift. I would be very afraid to give you or your kids gifts. No doubt it would be too stressful an experience.

[Pico2]

Sorry - what I should have said is that it is hard to know whether you are being unreasonable without knowing the rest of the story. There are some circumstances where being scrupulously fair is really important and some where things even up over the years and a grandfather who has never done the present buying before can be excused for somewhat poor judgement.

[SoonToBeSix]

It's hard to tell without knowing what dd's gifts were?

[Floggingmolly]

Why would you remove a gift from your child just because it's a duplicate???? What do you do with them?? . It's none of your business that your kids end up with two of the same item, surely?
And yet you knowingly invite a meltdown from a toddler by grabbing a toy out of his hands and telling him he can't have two...
You sound deranged.

[PrimalLass]

Why would you remove a gift from your child just because it's a duplicate???? What do you do with them??

Regift them.

[CallMeExhausted]

What did they get DS that it must be put away for years, a set of kitchen knives? Flaming juggling clubs? My First Chainsaw?

If he is actually "closer to 3 than 2", then perhaps this would be a good opportunity for you to play with him with the toy - help with any parts that are difficult and supervise.

It would go over better than being critical about the number and cost of gifts.

You know... I have never matches the need or value of gifts for my children - one always does "better" (although it is not the same one) and they have not been broken.

For the record, the "sibling" doesn't get a gift when it isn't their birthday, either...

[NowBringUsSomeFuzzpiggyPudding]

I agree you could smuggle the present away later. He is less likely to notice.

I wonder if maybe your parents chose an extra present because you chose the £20 item for them, and they wanted to actually choose something themselves IYSWIM?

I never tot up value, I have no idea whether we've spent the same on my DCs. I know (only because I bought them very recently) that the presents I've chosen on behalf of my parents are very different in price - a dress at £28 for 7yo DD and an £8 jigsaw for 5yo DS. Both are absolutely perfect for my DCs, great quality so will last well, and they won't notice or care that they are different. Neither will my parents - they will just be happy that both DCs get something they like.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

And this is the reason why I no longer send gifts to other people's children.

You send gift vouchers and parents feel entitled to spend them cash and that appears to be fair game as well and now its acceptable to take toys and just give them away to other people.

Why don't some of you just be more honest and tell the gift giver that unless they buy precisely what you want them to your child will not get the gift so they may as well not bother making the effort.

[MissHJ]

I think yabu of all the things going on, you are stressing about something that will not matter at all to you dc.

I have 3 cousins 8,7 and 3. Sometimes they do not get the same amount. Why? Because they like other things and I go for something they like so why waste money when they will be happy with the present they have recieved. That and they have no idea of cost at all.

If it was £500 and £5 it would be different but this is £10 we are talking about. I really would not make a big deal about it, it's not worth the hassle

[Bulbasaur]

Depends on the back story. These situations don't exist in a vacuum.

It's not really a big deal to get duplicate gifts though, I got plenty as a kid and the toys were just twins when I played with them. I don't see why you'd take them away while the child is holding them though. You could quietly sneak it out while they're distracted or sleeping. Or offer them an exchange.

Taking away a child's present after they opened it is really mean. They don't understand and no matter how reasonable you think you are, your kids aren't going to see why you're being so unfair.

[Fedupmuch]

Maybe your DDs present was in the sale and your sons wasn't. I don't think the emphasis should be I the price anyway. I don't spend equal value on presents for my own children each year but as they don't really appreciate the true value of money yet none of the complain as the presents would look of equal amounts to them in how much they wanted the items. I got my eldest an ipad last year as she wanted it and I thought it would be useful for school. I can't afford to spend 3x£400 on my kids so although she got more last year more son may get a £400 item another year and the other two get less. It's the only way they could possibly get large items such as these and ends up fair in the end, noones complaining or feels hard done by.

[Reekypear]

People are dying out there...in wars and of ebola.

[sanfairyanne]

your dd is 4
you feel the present is suitable for her
your ds is almost 3

i suggest that it cant be that age inappropriate if it would suit a 4 year old. the almost 3 year old might just need a bit more supervision with it.

the price difference doesnt matter at that age

your dh sounds a bit snippy though

[sanfairyanne]

duh sorry must be the lack of sleep, thought you meant the second present was the one for your ds and it was really a present for your dd
honestly though, at that age who cares what the price difference is?

[Mousefinkle]

The price difference isn't always irrelevant if, say, one GC receives an iPad and the other gets an obviously re-gifted toiletry set or something. That's when the inequality truly shows and you can damage children.

At this age though when the difference is only £10 it really isn't important and neither child will care or notice. I think the fact it's age inappropriate is the biggest issue here, just quietly remove it in the night and keep it aside till he grows into it.

[ThisFenceIsComfy]

Is it just me and everyone I know then that talks to the parents about what presents to get? I ask my friends in advance so we don't have duplicates etc and grandparents ask me or DP about what the kids want. I also talk to DS's mum so we are all clear about what the kids are getting. I'm guessing this isn't normal.

Still at least this avoids a two year old getting some kind of Mechano gift. I wouldn't open my DC's presents though.