To expect DPs to spend (roughly) the same on my DCs?

[WaityCakey]

Hi

So... took delivery of Christmas presents off my parents today for dd 4 and ds 2.

DDs is something dd will really love and cost £20. They have also given DD a 2nd something - I can't make out what, maybe a book.

I wasn't asked for any suggestions for DS (they didn't ask for DD, I just asked my mum if something DD had asked for would be suitable to come from DPs) so had no idea what they might have got him. But DH said when we got home "what's this they've got DS, it feels like one of those £10 blah-blahs".

I opened up DS' gift and it is indeed a £10 toy grossly unsuitable for his age and will need to be put in the loft until he's older.

This has made me feel really awful and so sad for DS. I just have idea why DPs would have done this.

I have never known them to spend £10 on their DCs before. This is NOT about the actual money, it's about fairness. TBH it wouldn't bother me quite so much if the £10 had gone to buy something that ds would really, really love.

I do have several theories as to how/why this might have happened. But don't want to go in to too much detail on here. But either way, I find it really hurtful that they've spent more than double on dd than ds, and got her a totally unnecessary 2nd gift.

What do I do? I kind of want to address it. Because I want them to know it's hurtful. And I'd like to understand why. But then I don't want to cause a fuss when it's not worth it. They do have a bit to worry about right now.

Shall I just say "oooh... I noticed I've got 2 presents here for dd, but 1 for ds... I just wanted to check I'm not missing something?"

AIBU???

[ZanyMobster]

Since I posted some of the things the OP has said seem really odd, I would never dream of checking presents first, all seems very controlling.

[Mehitabel6]

Some parents want control of absolutely everything and everyone! It is a present and there is no reason for the giver to run it past the parent first.

[mamasilla]

Ungrateful.

[Blondebiker4685]

If this is a one off then don't worry too much.

[WitchesGlove]

YABU and grabby. Just be grateful they got anything and accept graciously.

[NowBringUsSomeFuzzpiggyPudding]

It is this "all must be equal for all children at all times" attitude that is breeding the "it's not fair!" generation.

I agree

[HappyYoni]

I think you can afford to chill out just a tiny bit op, did you and your siblings add up the cost/compare the sizes of your presents, or did you just enjoy the excitement and fun of the day? Please don't teach your children that equal love = equal sized presents. You will be setting yourself and your children up for unnecessary worry and angst, as demonstrated by your dilemma this year.

[RJnomore]

I'd probably tell the giver tbh. And of course I wouldn't open it in advance.

But I think it's easy to tell - thank you for the lovely gift for little susie, it was a great idea and right up her street, unfortunately so much so we had already bought her one.

But why on earth would you just keep it? My brains just not computing the idea that it cannot be exchanged because it was a gift!

[WhyOWhyWouldYou]

So what is the problem with telling the gift giver that it is a duplicate?

Why would you - google where you can buy said toy, exchange without a receipt (most shops are perfectly happy to do this), replace with something DC does want/need. Then as far as the gift giver knows the DCs original one of those toys is the one they bought, they need not know theirs was a duplicate that was changed. = everybodys happy.

[WhyOWhyWouldYou]

YABU - presents shouldn't need to be equal in either monetary value or size or number. That is a very grabby and self-centered kind of attitude to instil.

Me and my brothers never had the same amount spent or the same number of presents - we were brought things we would like. So over all the years of our childhood it probably did come out about equal but each individual year was very different - still is as adults.

Also you say the present is a construction one with screws but what age range is it actually for? My DS 2.75yrs has got some construction toys with screws, screw driver and a little "power drill" - age suitability on the boxes are 3+. Obviously its not going to be something he can go away and do independantly, but I think he'll have loads of fun doing it with mine or DHs help until he is old enough to do it all by himself - you should have seen how much he liked helping build a bedside table with DH.

So it doesn't really sound like an unsuitable toy, just one that needs adults to help with.

[ApocalypseThen]

I did present shopping for the little nieces and nephews today. I spent almost exactly the same to the euro on the two and three year old but it's just not realistic to spend the same on the 5 month old, sure that child doesn't care.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

So what is the problem with telling the gift giver that it is a duplicate?

Because when somebody has spent time and effort choosing a gift for one of my DC, I gratefully accept it. It would feel incredibly rude to just say "oh, she's got one of those. I'll swap it for something else."

[naty1]

I would try not to keep duplicates. What a waste!
We had issue with cuddly toys. I said no more FIl got 3 more in about 2 days! They stayed at their house. No more. We had 15 or more for a 1 yo.
Have even more now :(
So if they dont follow the instruction they could be going back
I wouldnt unwrap
Or worry about such small price difference
No i wouldnt let them keep a clearly age inapprop gift. It would be put away. Easy enough to distract them
As a gifter i would prefer a duplicate to be swapped and same as an adult.
Last yr ddad got a set of books he had read for xmas he was going to keep but think he swapped in end.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

So what is the problem with telling the gift giver that it is a duplicate?

[Mammanat222]

I am genuinely bamboozled that you would keep extra crap and duplicates just because it was a gift.

Well I am genuinely bamboozled that someone would unwrap their kids gifts in advance to check for duplication / suitability.

Surely you let the kids unwrap the gifts and if there are any duplicates you put them aside and swap them when you get the chance?

unless your kids are such brats they would be too upset if each and every gift wasn't something different

[Whippet81]

See I don't get this spending the same nonsense. My brother is five years older then me - when we were kids we asked for what we wanted - so one year my brother might have a TV but I might have wanted sylvanian family or something. My DP's wouldn't have bought me stuff up to the value of the TV - the next year it would probably change as I would want a bike and he would want football boots or something. We were never really conscious of prices.

I think it's really sad when you see children not enjoying what they've had but panicking they've had less than someone else. My mum had a friend who had to stack the presents up for her two children and they had to be exactly the same height. Sad.

I think YABU to start totting up prices in your head and opening presents? Ffs why are you that bothered about what your kids are having? I wouldn't want to buy for your kids if I knew it would be scrutinised like that.

[WaityCakey]

this is my sentiment exactly RJ. I would be really upset if I found out I'd bought a friend's DC something he/she already had and it had been kept. What a waste of money!

[RJnomore]

Sorry that's not really the point of the thread but I rarely see things that make me hang my mouth open on here any more and that is honestly one of them!

[RJnomore]

What on earth is the point of a child having two, or even as above, three of the same items!

I can see so tartans point though about little bits - I hadn't thought of that - but the child just keeps what they are given because SOMEONE GAVE THEM IT? I wouldn't do that myself - if I had x and I was given x, I would take it back and swap it for y and then I would have x and y...

I am genuinely bamboozled that you would keep extra crap and duplicates just because it was a gift. Fair enough if it had a purpose in having two but - you must all have houses full of crap if that's the way you approach gifts and wait until said kids are teenagers

[BreakingDad77]

You unwrapped your DS Christmas present? - YABU

requoted for great justice

[Sendo]

My parents always ask and I just give them a shortlist or just tell them (subject to their budget obviously). Avoids duplicate toys at Christmas - that's for sure. My DC are of an age where they can vocalise what they would like themselves when asked though. We still get surprise gifts but that's O.K on the whole.

My MIL doesn't ask us and we do receive not terribly well thought out gifts sometimes. I just have low expectations now but admittedly, it does still grate when my DC have noticeably 'crap' gifts compared to their cousins who are similar ages & gender. E.g Buzz Lightyear toy for 3 yr old cousin one year compared to an 'I Love U' toast marker thingy for my 3 yr old. Cue much jealousy/tears/fights over the Buzz Lightyear on Christmas Day! I was not happy with MIL that year.

Favouritism sucks but surely, you can give direction to your own parents at least. I've given up over the years with my IL's. DH have far too low expectations and it shows! One year, He received a mobile phone holder which sticks to the car dashboard (back in the day) which didn't fit whilst his siblings received a SLR camera and a Magimix Food Processor. BTW, we owned neither of those items - I was on his behalf.

[spookyskeleton]

My DM usually does try to spend similar amounts on all her grandchildren.

However this year, she thought of something that was perfect for my DS1 but was double the amount she usually spends.

She has now increased what she has spent on each of them to compensate and then felt guilty because the consequence of this is all her other GC now have 2 gifts to open. So she has ended up buying DS1 a book still so he also has 2 gifts

This is when trying to be equal hours too far IMO as I am sure no one would have questioned why DS1's gift was more expensive - it is a one off present this year that happens to be perfect for him.

[youareallbonkers]

Greedy and grabby!!

[Idontseeanysontarans]

Duplicate gifts (especially ones with small bits) are great just in case parts get lost or broken - just replace as necessary or use both sets to make one bigger model
As for being unsuitable, with supervision a set with screws etc can be great for developing fine motor skills and hand/eye co-ordination and patience (can't you tell I've done this a few times?) even in this age group.
It'll be fine.
As for the price, spending less on younger children is a common thing to do here, DD2's present is much cheaper than her siblings present off us - more than £10 cheaper for certain.
Get your family into the habit of Christmas lists for next year so you can all agree on who is buying what. It works a treat in our family.