To not want to visit?

[slithytove]

This year for the first in 5, we are not hosting Christmas.

We are having a big family meal on the 23rd, providing everything.
We are then having our own small Christmas.
We are then hosting nye, again providing everything.

Saved up loads for the above.

My sister has been making noises about having everyone round hers for Boxing Day. It's a faff for us as we have a 3 month old and a 'spirited' 21 month old, but we were happy to make the effort (high chair, ds toys, plates, changing stuff etc) as dsis rarely hosts. Her house is also the least child friendly I've ever come across - think raised marble fireplace, splintered floorboards, ornaments everywhere.

Was told today she wants us to bring our own food and drink.

Which tbh feels like she wants the benefit of seeing everyone without going to any effort. We don't have the extra money to provide food and drink for someone else's party, plus the effort involved has just increased.

Aibu to not go? DH doesn't want to either.

and yes I know it's an invitation not a summons but she will not be happy and will not understand

IMO family is important. You're getting caught up in this quite minor thing.

On you way there stop in at the local shop and spend a fiver at most on some table snacks.

Then enjoy!

If you genuinely CBA due to the little ones I would understand that but not over a few pound.

Backforgood says it all.
she is 25, surely you can speak to her as her family & work it out...?
I's just say, so I do the whole shebang for everyone, & you say, bring meals on wheels ?? what is this bullshit?

Ha flossy that elicited a giggle.

In fairness, she actually did ask do I need to bring my own veggie main, and I assured her I wouldn't dream of it! Despite her meal adding a fair bit of extra hassle when already cooking for 10.

When I told dbro that dsis was coming, he was very keen to make sure everyone else was still getting goose fat potatoes and that I would be doing separate for dsis. despite her still eating normal haribo, fish and Worcester sauce etc

Funny how socially inept some people are isn't it!

Now I just need to decide whether to be honest about why I'm declining, or just decline on baby grounds and take the criticism and attempt to make me feel guilty.

I have tried to get hold of her, no luck as yet, she is notoriously bad to get hold of, hence the communication coming via my mum.

Just to say that while I agree OP shouldn't have to take anything on this occasion, I disagree that you can't invite people over and ask them to bring something. We host a particular group of friends a couple of times a year and always ask each family to bring a food contribution. We host as we have the most room - there's usually about 20 of us. To be honest we still provide the most food by far but it makes it easier for us to not to everything - and provides more variety than my usual staples. I don't think it's rude at all and I think the others appreciate it as they have then contributed without having to host.

Equally we are staying with my DSis for 3 days over Christmas and I am taking dessert for two days. She would do similarly if coming here. It takes a bit of pressure off the host. But key thing here is of course that we reciprocate unlike OP's sister.

Quick update, she didn't have an event in the end anyway.

She did however tell me that she would be there 4pm on the 23rd and that her boyfriend would be working. Roll on the 23rd and she tells me via text at 4pm that they will both be coming "for dinner" once bf finished work. They turned up at seven expecting to be fed.

They were also invited for nye. Games night, dinner and staying over. They are coming for free dinner and free booze and then leaving to go out with mates.

I'm a mug.

oooo she is a one! OP if its any consolation, DP has a brother who is like this. We host social occasions regularly, they are absolutely always late which means holding food, they bring soft drinks (nice ones) but drink all the available booze and then take their soft drinks home with them, get huffy if they are not invited to something we do (friends round or something) but frequently host things without asking us. Drives me spare to be honest! Your sis sounds cut from the same cloth!

You know how I said im a mug?

IM A MUG OF THE HIGHEST ORDER!

Spent nye making some treats for buffet that night, went to a bit of extra effort to make nice veggie things. Pie, vol au vents, a few extra salads, that sort of thing.

Due at 7.30 when my mum gets a text.

They aren't coming.

why on earth do I bother.

Most of the veggie stuff went to waste as had dairy in it and for the most part, my parents don't eat dairy.

I made the mistake of saying in my mums earshot "I'm just going to stop inviting them" - cue tears, upset, "but you're the only way the family sees each other". Etcetera.

I'm going through some stuff myself and this sort of behaviour plays right into my fears that I'm not loved, liked or respected. I wouldn't dream of acting this way and I suspect they don't do it to dsis bf family or their friends.

fgs your sis is 25... give her a break. eat what she didn't and chill. and what the heck are 'individually portioned Xmas dinners'?

So as opposed to a turkey which can be split into 5/7/9

We had individual beef Wellington. Not the sort of thing which you leave half of and take to an event the next day.

So at 25 were you incapable of sticking to plans, or did you cancel literally at the last minute and not even tell your host?

And I made the extra food for them, not us. I don't like several of the things I made eg mushroom pasta, her favourite. My mum gave it to them yesterday. Just feels like a waste of effort and money, I didn't make it so they could sit at home eating it.

Time to stop being a mug :)

Write yourself a note and tuck it away for next December. Write down why you won't be repeating this years disappointment, how it made you fell etc. Then when it's time to star planning next Christmas you can ensure that you turn into a mug again. She's 25, not 15. Stop making excuses and enabling her selfishness.

Yes, remember it next year.

I am 25, studying and skint. I still managed to contribute pudding for everyone on Christmas day and provide dinner/drinks/snacks for my family on NYD. She is not a child, and at the very least should have honoured her commitment to you when she knows you had made an effort to accomodate her.