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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH - completely heartless?

78 replies

Flumpinblues · 20/12/2014 18:50

Long time lurker here. Penis beaker etc. This might be long - thanks for taking time to read. OH and I been together for 12 years and married for 5. 2 DC 4 and 9 months. I am full time breadwinner he is at home with DC. We both have full time jobs, it's been a long and challenging year personally and professionally. Usual grumbles: he is a hoarder, disorganised, blunt at times, can't remember the last time he bought me a birthday or Christmas present. I do all finances and insurances, all Xmas shopping and cards, school and social arrangements, holidays, family birthdays, weekly meal planning and half the cooking. We have a cleaner. I pay for childcare for both DCs during the week to give him a break. After our youngest arrived in March I had 12 weeks maternity. We have no family support. We last went out as a couple in August. We've had one night away from DC in 4 years. I'm run down, this week has tonsillitis for first time ever resulting in 4 days of feeling poo, still trying to keep all balls on the air. I am knackered. Today he disappears at 11 to see a old friend for lunch, forgetting his keys. I have both children, loved their company; sorted dusted our living room and put up Xmas decorations / sorted toys; made casserole for dinner. Went out to deliver neighbours Xmas cards and see DC1 friend for an hour play and cuppa. I have done too much as still not well and haven't slept or eaten properly in 4 days ( was up 5 times with DC2 last night). Rarely if ever do I sit down before 9pm, then I log on to work again. OH got home at 5:30pm and had locked himself out. First words - "why have you wasted your time sorting out that? (Living Room and decorations). I was locked out with no keys! You are useless". I flipped. I am so tired I can't fight anymore. This language is absolutely typical of his reaction to anything I do / don't do. Nothing is good enough. I feel like crying but I'm too tired even for that. So, AIBU?

OP posts:

Discopanda · 20/12/2014 22:21

If my OH spoke to me like that I'd smack him round the head

Dirtymistress · 20/12/2014 22:26

Christ on a bike, he's not a stay at home dad, he's a cock lodger.
Throw him out. Enjoy the peace.

Silverdaisy · 20/12/2014 22:27

Discopanda I'm guessing that was a tongue in cheek comment?

Otherwise I don't think domestic violence is the answer.

Tryharder · 20/12/2014 22:34

He is NOT a SAHP. SAHPS look after the DCs, do the majority of the housework and cooking and manage at least some if not all of the "admin".

He, on the other hand, merely babysits his DCs when you are at work and when they are not in nursery/school/daycare.

He doesn't therefore have a FT job. He has an easy life- much easier than yours!

However, it doesn't sound like he is happy either. I would suggest that he consider returning to FT work outside the home himself and either you go PT yourself or you find alternate childcare.

ChillySundays · 20/12/2014 22:35

When I was a SAHM I didn't get a break until they went to bed. Once they were about 2.5yrs they went to nursery for a few afternoons. My time off from them was going to work on a Saturday. Would have killed or a cleaner!!

WandaFuca · 20/12/2014 23:04

I know that looking after a 4-year-old and a 9-month-old is tiring, but he's getting a break 1.5 days in the week when, presumably, both DC are in childcare.

It doesn't sound as though he's helping out during the night, when he could go at a slower pace the next day if he's tired, whereas you have to go to work the next day.

I'm a bit worried by your comment that he is strict with the DC. Is that for the children's benefit or his?

Whereisegg · 20/12/2014 23:15

I'm guessing that as well as the time you pay for someone else to look after the dc in the week, you do pretty much everything on the weekends as well op?

SorchaN · 20/12/2014 23:24

It sounds like he doesn't respect you. I'd have trouble staying married to someone who didn't respect me.

dietcokeandwine · 20/12/2014 23:41

Bloody hell op. I'm a SAHM, I do a damn sight more in a day than your DH does in a week and yet I don't feel the need for a 'break' from the DC via paid childcare!

He is not a SAHP, not in the true proper sense of the word. He sounds like a selfish, lazy little skiver who is onto a damn good thing! I can't believe he is letting you struggle and work yourself into the ground whilst he gets a couple of days a week to 'have a break from the DC.'

FFS. Sorry but he doesn't deserve a break, he shouldn't need a break, he isn't actually doing anything that should necessitate a break.

I mean - you are doing the WOHP role but still got up 5 times in the night? Whilst he presumably lay there sleeping and doing sweet buggering fuck all?

Sod that. He's a freeloader. Some serious words needed I think.

steppeupunderthemisletoe · 20/12/2014 23:52

OP - I am SAHM and dh works full time. I do 90% of cooking, all cleaning, shopping and laundry.

When both at home we do 50/50 childcare and household stuff.

Your dh is not pulling his weight. He is working part time as child care, you are doing full time job plus more than half housework.

I know not everyone agrees, but unless baby is very small, or very high needs, then the SAHP does most of the household stuff.

That is one issue, being unsupportive and negative is the other.

Everyone in our house has been ill this week, we have all helped each other, and been kind, because over-tired and ill needs kind.

This may just be a bad patch, but I want to spend my lief with people who are nice and kind. Simple under rated gifts those really.

SolidGoldBrass · 20/12/2014 23:57

So he bullies the children as well as you ('strict' is often just another word for bully), contributes nothing financially, does the bare minimum of domestic work... WTF do you want to keep him for? Get a lawyer and chuck him out, he's a parasite.

Inertia · 20/12/2014 23:59

Any stay at home parent who has a day and a half with the children in childcare should be doing the domestic chores during that time.

The problem here is that he is rude and unappreciative, and will happily let you run yourself into the ground so that he doesn't have to do his fair share.

Bakeoffcakes · 21/12/2014 00:05

"I do all finances and insurances, all Xmas shopping and cards, school and social arrangements, holidays, family birthdays, weekly meal planning and half the cooking. We have a cleaner. I pay for childcare for both DCs during the week to give him a break." (PLUS you work fulltime out of the home and work each raving on your computer.)

Most SAHP would do your list of jobs if their partner was working full time.

Your H is massively taking the piss. And he was extremely rude to you about the keys, you also say he's snippy all the time. I think you both need to ask yourselves if you love each other or even want to be together.

HexBramble · 21/12/2014 05:59

How is he with the DC? Is he affectionate? Does he cuddle them if they're hurt/upset/tired? Does he play with them?

HicDraconis · 21/12/2014 06:19

DH is a SAHD and I work full time, we have a cleaner because I don't want to clean at the weekends and he doesn't want to do it in the week. That aside - he does admin, diy, laundry, dog walking, night wake ups if needed, weekly grocery shop, play dates and now, more than 50% of the cooking.

Your dh is doing nothing for you that I can see bar making your life more difficult.

Bearleigh · 21/12/2014 06:21

YANBU. MrBearleigh is our SAHP and usually does everything for the family except the bits I enjoy - which is some gardening and some cooking at weekends. That means I get to work hard and we all also enjoy life. Recently he had an operation so I've had to do the sort of stuff that you have to do all the time. It's been an eye-opener - and not something that is sustainable if you want any sort of life. BabyBearleigh is older too, so not such a lot of work.

It sounds like he doesn't want to be a SAHP as he seems to avoid doing any of his 'work'. And he sounds like a pig, telling you you're useless when you've been working so hard and he's been out for so long seeing friends on a family day.

KoalaDownUnder · 21/12/2014 06:28

'All laundry and half the cooking'?! Big bloody deal!

He is taking the piss.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/12/2014 06:32

I'd wait until things are a bit less raw and potentially you're less knackered but you need to talk about this. Is it an option to have children in FT childcare? It doesn't sound like bring a SAHD is making him happy.

cathpip · 21/12/2014 07:08

I'm still failing too see what he actually does at home, half the child care is taken care of, as is the cooking, you have a cleaner and do all the finances and admin. He is not a sahd, he very much sounds like a third child that you are allowing to freeload.........

FishWithABicycle · 21/12/2014 07:21

You are being used. He is being an arse and I not pulling his weight. Given that you have a full time job he should be doing at least 75% of the domestic work, possibly 85% given that he has 1.5 days a week of no childcare. Do you get 1.5 days a week with no childcare or work? Thought not. Your description of what he does is barely 40%.

What he said to you was very nasty and unloving. The two of you need to talk seriously about how much effort is needed to make this work, both practically and emotionally.

GeorgeRoper · 21/12/2014 14:34

I'm the OH being sniped at here. We have a Jing & Jang relationship,
that has resulted in a good team. DW has a stessfull career, a short fuse, a big mouth and little patience. Because of her career, earning potential,
and my work not being location-specific, we decided on role-reversal. I'm much older, calmer, loyal, patient, I don't smoke, drink very little, and rarely go out, and have dedicated my life to raising our two DCs.
One was fine, two is very demanding and I have struggled, especially whilst DCs and us had viruses during the last two months. (I do most of the night feeds)
I do mainly the physical - house, repairs, garden, kids, school-runs, playtime, and OH mainly the organisational /admin work.
Our cleaner does 2 hrs per week, so barely scratches the surface with 2DCs and cat in the house (fish and massive garden outside).
Saturday OH had cancelled her pm meeting with friend, as not well,
and promised to be back by 11am, as I was meeting an old friend 50 miles away at noon. OH was 20mins late. I left, not taking a key, as OH had asked me to return at teatime. I returned at 5pm, OH had gone out on a DC playdate, and had not left a key (normal procedure).
Annoyed about being let-down again, I then noticed that travelcot / ballpool had been removed from lounge (only safe place to put 9mth old), as is next to big real xmas tree (which I took from our garden, made to fit the room, and decorated with DC1) Row ensues...When I'm calm, 'I don't care', and when I show OH how I feel, 'I'm a bully'. I can't win.

Whereisegg · 21/12/2014 15:30

You haven't really dedicated your life to raising these dc though have you? Given that your oh feels the need to pay for them to have care outside of your care.

Do you know how many sahp have the luxury of a cleaner? Young dc in nursery?

Overwhelming? You bet, but you dig deeper, you clean when they're in bed, you shop online.

You following your oh here?
Creepy and controlling frankly.

Littleturkish · 21/12/2014 15:33

Whereisegg has said exactly what I think.

NewJumper · 21/12/2014 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cerisier · 21/12/2014 15:38

George I am not impressed with the way you spoke to your DW. You were very rude whatever the circumstances. How about asking where she is so you can meet her and get a key off her?

And the way you speak of her in your comment on here is awful. You might be older but you are certainly not wiser. You sound dismissive and mean.

Without respect a relationship is not going to survive.

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