to send this email to MIL?

[QueenofKelsingra]

Dear Fucking Crazy Loon,

After spending half an hour calming down my DH I felt I should make the following points to you:

1. DH is not my keeper or owner. He does not have control over who I do or do not phone and when I am or am not in the house.

1. I will not answer the phone to you as I will end up shouting at you and telling you what an idiot you really are. Also I will never just phone you to chat to pass the time of day. I would rather stick pins in my eyes.

1. My parents will continue to see the DGC as often as they wish as they live close and do not make me want to commit murder just from being in their presence. No I will not restrict their access to make it 'fair'.

1. My grandmother is my grandmother, her actual bloodline relation to me is irrelevant. Stop saying she is not my real grandmother.

1. No I will not make the children sit still. they are children and require plenty of running around time.

1. No I will not stop them picking up stones/sticks/conkers or jumping in mud/puddles when out for a walk. they are dressed appropriately and it is fun.

1. No I will not send my children to a childminder and go back to work because you think too much time with their mother is 'damaging' and 'unhealthy'.

1. No I will not separate DD from her twin and elder brother until she is ready. It will not turn them 'weird' if I allow them to share a bedroom.

1. Playing with a friend's DS who prefers skirts to trousers and princesses to trains will not turn my DS 'queer'.

10. For the record: DH is not fat, he does not drink too much (except when you are visiting) and no he does not require a new suit from Saville Row.

11. Yes it is true I am avoiding your calls but ever since I was hospitalised with a potentially fatal illness and you called my mother to demand who was making sure DH had clean and ironed shirts for work and not once asked how I was I find it hard to summon up any interest in you.

12. Most importantly however, no matter what you do or how evil and crazy you are - DH is on to you. he knows what you are like. He supports my decision not to have contact with you outside the 4 or so visits we have to suffer. He suffers them because you are his mother and he is a nicer and more generous person than I am. I suffer them because he is my husband and as long as this is what he wants I will support him, because I love him. You will never get between us.

Best wishes for the Christmas Season, do try not to choke on your own superiority complex.

Queen

Sorry that was long but I so had to get that out before I actually sent it to her. feel free to add your own 'I wish I could send' messages! it's very cathartic!

Nice to imagine sending it but I seriously wouldn't.

Never put anything like that in writing. Ever.

love love love the 'fucketty bye' amendment!

toby oh we should be paying for it, someone of my DH's position needs to look respectable! (he has a good but local and normal career, he is not the crown prince of Monaco!!)

mrspotts - at the time we had a 2 year old and newborn DTs, I was in for over a week high on morphine and on oxygen - Suprisingly DH had other things to worry about - as had my mother! I cannot forgive her for that one.

Andrew thanks for the I intend to have much of it!!

and I know it would be childish and ultimately not helpful to send it but I feel so much better for getting it down and sending it somewhere, even if its only into the ether of MN!

Yanbu, those are all very reasonable points which your MIL would benefit from bearing in mind. I think you should send it. With the 'fuckety bye' amendment, obviously.

oh now I havebeen guiltedby goths mil into going to do the washing up....

I wrote 2500 words to my MIL. My god it felt good.

Had to delete it though as DH wanted to send it

You're not alone in having an unhinged MIL!!

Phew, hope you feel better now, actually made me feel better reading your post !

I think that's quite a nice e-mail, Queen. Am I reading it wrong?

Sorry about your Monster-In-Law problems... your husband sounds nice, you sound nice too and I love the bit about jumping in puddles. Go Family Queen!

Well. I thought from your title that I would be saying 'don't send it'. But,
actually, this is my first exception to the rule.

I think you and DH would benefit from such a clear 'marker' on her behaviour, especially as DH is already onside. Why wouldn't you defend yourself, children and DH by making your position crystal clear?

I'd just remove 'Most importantly however, no matter what you do or how evil and crazy you are - ' and leave the rest - 'DH is on to you..'etc.,

I'd really like to send a moderated version but it wouldn't change things. I have snapped at her in person and DH has told her over an over again to stop going on about these thing but it makes no difference.

if I actually send her something written down all it will do is give her evidence to show her friends/family that I am really the evil DIL she thinks I am.

really I'm angry because I wish she was nice, I wish she could see how wonderful DH is rather than criticize, I wish she could see how happy we are and how much fun we have - and if she could just STFU for 5 minutes she could join in to. and I'm sad for my DC who will never have the sort of relationship with her that they have with my parents. they are such wonderful little people and she is missing it all because she cant see past the mud/messy/loudness that comes with having 3 DC under 5!!

I know its her loss but it makes me sad. (and stressed)

what a shame she sounds bloody awful .loved the line about the suit .

if I actually send her something written down all it will do is give her evidence to show her friends/family that I am really the evil DIL she thinks I am.

This is what stopped me sending mine. Sadly, she has already poisoned all of DH's family against us, god knows what stories she has been spreading, but we are definitely the evil ones!

i recently sent a very rude text about my irrating mil and smug sil ... and i sent it to my mil (instead of sending it to my lovely sil).

the fallout was immense!!!!!!!!!!!! jeremy kyle wouldn't have intervened. pffffft.

send it. and copy in my mil on it too please. thanks so much xx

Lol at fuckety bye! And Goth if your mil is at that loose an end she can do my washing up or anything else! I know why its pipped you off though but I have no shame!

Oh dear she sounds horrendous. She clearly doesn't know the boundaries. Instinctively I'd say don't send it because it might just all spiral out of control. I'd meet with her though to discuss her unacceptable behaviour. She needs to sit on the naughty chair.

If you send it it will start WW3 but you could send a modified version which might make her realised how unreasonable her behaviour is.

I wouldn't sent it personally but writing these type of things down does help enormously - I usually find I refine it gradually over days/weeks then don't send at all or send a much more normal email in the end

But it DOES make you feel sooo much better eh

Yabu as the correct sign off is 'fuckety bye'. With that amendment you're good to go.

Yes.

Fuck it - why not send it? What's the worst that can happen? She doesn't speak to you for 6 months. Hip Hop Hu-fucking-ray.

she phoned your mum when you were seriously ill to ask who was going to iron her son's shirts?
what the actual fuck.
I really do not think you should send it though.

Yabvvvvvu unreasonable, you are lucky to have a mil some of us dont. You should write her a love poem.

There must be something good about her?

Anyway send it, I've banned my own parent from Xmas day for wayyy less than that.

Don't send it. She sounds like a nightmare but often people like this just can't or won't accept that they are being awful and ridiculous. Reading your email is unlikely to make her rethink how she behaves.

Tracy Barlow - wish I had thought of that name :)
Queen - you have my deepest sympathies, please don't email your angst, please tell her face to face and put it on you tube

My email would ask why out of the three original suitors to her children, am the only one left 20 years later?
and..... if I am soooooo crap at bringing kids up how I managed to raise a teenager who was no problem and 8 year old twins who are well behaved?
and.... if I so plain, and nothing special and don't make enough effort with my appearance, why I look better than she ever has, even on the crappiest of days?
And then I would email my Moo-min SIL x2 and just tell them to fuckety the fuck off judging me, ahhhhhhhhh... thanks queen, much better me thinks ;)

Feeling your pain sister, keep on raging on, lol

NO, don't send it.

Just think about what power she has to MAKE you do something you don't want to do, and what power she has to prevent you from doing something you do want to do.

What's on that list? very little I suspect because she is not your boss.

If you send that email it feeds in to her firmly held belief that you need her approval. That email is an appeal to her to understand your pov and your 'rights'.

it's shooting yourself in the foot because by sending it you make your points but it will perpetuate the script that you need her permission or approval.

Just do what you want to do. Don't discuss it. Don't do what you don't want to do and don't discuss that either.

My x and xmil very abusive and toxic and I learnt that this was the way to deal with them.