To wonder how on earth you cope with parents who have such diametrically opposed views to your own?

[NC2009]

I am really struggling at the moment and my DM just hung up on me. I am very tired and can't think straight and don't know how it's even possible to resolve this in the long term, other than paper over it. And my parents are coming on Tuesday to stay for six days for Christmas.

My parents were both older and brought up (even for their time) in a very old-fashioned way. So in many respects they have very outdated opinions. For example, my DF genuinely believes that if someone is aristocracy they are actually a better person than him by virtue of birth. He would never state that outright, but he does weird deferential things and talks about how "down to earth" fairly posh people are if they treat him like a normal human being Not that he meets many, anyway it's an example.

DM holds many similar viewpoints but is more relaxed, e.g. she's not actually a raging homophobe and he is. He is a working class right-wing dyed in the wool Tory who thinks the sun shines out of Cameron's arse. I am the complete opposite, even though DF was the one who encouraged me to be interested in politics.

It's become more and more difficult in recent years as he's grown older and more set in his ways and also since the Conservatives have been in power, because he can't wait to praise everything they do and it really, really grates - I live in the NE and we are lucky in our situation but I see many people every day who aren't and read so many, many stories on here of people really struggling. And then he picks up the phone and tells me how "those chaps have the right ideas" and it upsets me so much that he doesn't seem to have feelings for people who are really struggling. He believes, because he worked hard and succeeded, that everyone can succeed if only they apply themselves a bit more. And refuses to see that it can sometimes be down to more than just working hard.

The latest is that I am quite ill. And it's been going on for a while and I'm on various medications that have taken my quality of life and are taking their toll on me and I am still without a diagnosis. I am making progress on getting one but the NHS in my area is awful, aside from being underfunded it is also amongst the worst rated on the NHS website - honestly the staff I have encountered (apart from the hospital porters - they are bloody lovely) are either downtrodden and sad or just rude or lovely but incompetent (there have been several mistakes made in my care).

I called to speak to him about something else and we got talking about my situation and I said I was thinking about going private because my local care isn't good. He starting fuming that I couldn't afford it and that "you should listen to what the Health Secretary said today, we have the fastest A&E waiting times in the world!!!" And he was shouting. I pointed out that fast waiting times doesn't equal quality care, and anyway I am not in A&E so it's not relevant. It just degenerated into him saying I am wrong, that I don't trust my doctors and I should, because the doctor always knows best etc etc patriarchal bullshit. It was adopting my parents' attitude of 'don't make a fuss, doctor is always right' that has prolonged my pain for months - it's only since I started kicking up a stink, after all my friends were horrified at my care, that anything has happened.

He handed the phone back to my DM and i was rude about my Dad, which I shouldn't have been, but I was shaken and close to tears. And so she hung up on me. They won't call back. I am not sure if they will actually come for Christmas, or they will but they will be cold and horrid.

This is the worst bit about them and I don't know how to deal with it. It's impossible not to talk politics with my Dad, he is retired so watches the news all day and always brings it around to the next best things the govt has done. How do other people deal with this? Sorry it's so long. I am so upset.

My parents views on politics are polar opposite to mine and DH's on everything. We manage to get along by talking about neutral subjects.

Depending on my mood if my parents try being goady little fuckers, I just go "hmm.. interesting" like I'm vaguely interested, then go back to doing what I was doing. It's obvious enough to be a brush off, but not one they can actively get combative about without looking unhinged.

Or sometimes I'm just a smart ass and reply with "I have no opinion on this"/"Make sure you vote on it next election".

My parents have softened their views over the years, as they've met our immigrant or gay friends. They've also talked to more people outside their group through their volunteer work. It's hard to stay ignorant when you hang out with people that can give first hand experiences.

Really, we all just sort of avoid anything to do with politics. There's far more interesting things to talk about anyway than how politicians are still finding new ways to drag their feet and accomplish nothing (and for either side).

You need to learn not to engage, unless it's something that's really close to your heart and you can't back out of it.

A bright and breezy let's not have any of this doom and gloom talk at Christmas can work wonders.

Or revert to being a teenager. Start practising your shrug and whatevahs, now.

It is perfectly possible to hold different political views within one family without one person shouting at the other for their views. Your DF sounds unhinged. You really shouldn't have to put up with it.

When I am put in this situation, like Bulbasaur I just tend to nod and smile and mentally shrug.

Just out of interest, how does your DH reconcile his homophobia with the fact that this current Tory gov has legalised gay marriage?

To be fair, if they are Mail readers they are being presented every day with the 'facts' that anyone in the world can arrive in the UK and get full benefits instantly with no questions asked;
anyone in the Uk can decide they don't fancy working any more and be kept in flat screen TVs for life;
women are single-handedly destroying the economy by selfishly having kids and going back to work;
it is now illegal to celebrate Christmas because of the Muslims...

I wouldn't normally recommend looking at the comments on the DM website but it really gives me a feeling of, OK, my DPs aren't that bad... I try to blame the mail and not them.

Yes Boulevard it's a combination of The Times and the Mail (their 'holiday paper'). My DM works in a jobcentre and seems to think most people are on the make. She comes home with hair raising stories, despite the fact that the statistics demonstrate these are the minority.

They live in a very white area, that is very homophobic (a local man suspected of being gay - so not out - had homophobic slogans daubed on his house). My DM only got over her homophobia because she made very good friends with one of her colleagues, who happened to be gay.

I agree, they aren't going to change.

I am so tired, didn't sleep last night. I think things will look brighter in the morning :)

Sorry, part of the tiredness - my point about the place they live is that their views are never challenged. My DSis has only become more centre (from very r-wing as per my parents), having left home and moved to a big city.

"a local man suspected of being gay - so not out - had homophobic slogans daubed on his house"

Bloody hell , that's quite something

you do all realise, don't you, that your DC will rebel against you by voting UKIP?

you do all realise, don't you, that your DC will rebel against you by voting UKIP?

Of course they will. That's what teen rebellions are for! If they aren't pissing their parents off in the best way they know how, you've got an alien not a teenager.

We live in the US, and I really won't care if DD votes for the opposite party because they're both equally adept at doing absolutely nothing as long as she's taking an active interest in the current issues around her and making an informed decision on what she's voting for.

Remind him the Tories voted against creating the NHS 3 times. Some of the Tories I know still believe free health care is bad as makes us less productive as we aren't spurred on to pay for our own health cover!

Try getting up to speed on facts and figures about your father's favourite topics? E.g. the fact that immigrants contribute more to the economy than they take out. The Mailwatch and zelo street websites have useful stuff.

My mother has always been very right wing. I've tended to challenge her reasonably non-confrontationally: e.g. if I've been talking about someone who has behaved badly, she automatically seems to ask "Is he Asian?" or something similar and, no matter what their nationality actually was, I say "No, white British". When she goes on about what a wonder woman Thatcher was, I point out some of the downsides. But she's now in her 80s and I've almost given up on it as she's not going to change now.

Whilst it is perfectly ok for people to have different views, it's not ok for people to behave as your Father is. Getting angry and shouting at you? he's behaving like a bully and I'm really surprised at the number of posters saying just put up with it.

I think you should have a stock phrase ready for the next time he starts shouting. "DF I won't stand here letting you shout at me like this, you're obviously getting quite upset/emotional so I think it's best if we change the subject" if he continues ranting leave the room.

He can't carry on treating you like this.

My DF is like this. I've started saying, "I'd rather not discuss this" a lot. If he persists I ask, "Do you want us to have a fight?" Usually works. At least until I lose my temper....

NC to be honest if your Mum works in a Job Centre I can understand her wanting to vent. When I was teaching I sometimes needed to vent about the worst behaved students - someone constantly saying "well they are in a minority" wouldn't help.

You just have to let it wash over you: my dad had some weird ideas but he was entitled to feel them I really don't like the view on here that if your view goes against the majority it's WRONG. In "real life" by that logic YOU would probably be wrong.

Just humour them

I really think you should uninvite them due to your illness.

Your DF is shouting at you when he knows how unwell you are - sorry he doesn't sound great to me.

How old are your parents?

And can your DH have a word and spell out to them how ill you are?

My FIL is like this. It's not a conversation, it's just him ranting about the left/labour/very DM.

It's wearisome as what he wants is me to agree with him. And say, oh FIL you're so clever, you're right, silly me. I tell him there is nothing he's said so far that has changed my mind and he needs to have a much better argument than that to change my mind.

Then he kind of runs out of steam, doesn't know what to say. Until the next time.

someone constantly saying "well they are in a minority" wouldn't help. I know and most of the time I don't do this - the problem is that DM rants about her job (fine - she has some horrifying stories) but if DF is in the room he picks it up and runs with it as, 'Oh that's what they are all like'. Which is bollocks, as DM well knows but she has given up arguing with him on it.

Normally I deal with it fine and I would never dream of doing an AIBU about it. I think the problem is that I'm ill and not coping well because what looked like a temporary thing is becoming permanent state of being due to NHS being slow or incompetent (honestly, I had to ask for my tests by name, which took some researching and then once they were ordered the GP suddenly discovered how essential they were when previously they had been telling me to take more painkillers and it would eventually go away ).

Turns out they are still coming. DM texted me this morning ignoring last night.

It's wearisome as what he wants is me to agree with him.

Yes, this is it also.

I don't really mind if my DCs have right wing views, that's their prerogative. I would mind if they were racist or homophobic or benefits bashers (e.g. it's okay to say, 'I have an ideological problem with welfare" & discuss reasonably, not okay to say "council estate scum, flatscreen telly etc etc etc", I guess the MN difference about getting deleted for personal attacks vs. having a debate?).

Thanks everyone for your views. I think, given that most of the time I do do what most of you are suggesting I do not that it must just be the healthcare issues that have me so wound up and that I'm so exhausted and ill that I don't have my usual thick skin/ability not to take the bait.

Thanks

When I saw the title of this thread I had to check I hadn't written it in my sleep. I experienced similar with my DM just yesterday - she has become obsessed with immigrants, UKIP, 'brown' people, and 'the pc brigade'. She believes that we do not have free speech anymore, evidenced by the fact that the UKIP bloke got in trouble for calling someone a 'chinky'. She thinks she should be allowed to say 'chinky' because in her day it was acceptable (she is only 59!). I said well, you can say that, nobody will arrest you, but it's not very nice. We had a disagreement then because she insisted that it is illegal to call people things that the pc brigade have deemed racist

I find it just sad that my previously rational and intelligent DM has become so narrow minded, spluttering with outrage, seemingly terrified of change and throwing out all kinds of unrelated claims around immigration, pensions, and muslims. She cannot seem to accept any kind of new ideas anymore and has become incredibly set in her ways and mentally old - she won't watch new tv shows or watch films unless she has seen them before. She doesn't listen to music unless it's by someone she already likes, and even then she will only listen to greatest hits compilations, not new material.

But what is to be done? I can't force her to stop reading the Daily Mail and start opening her mind to different opinions and less pessimistic thinking. She believes islamists will directly pose a threat to her within the next five years, she said. She actually began to sound unhinged at that point so I dropped it.

It's so hard to let these kind of opinions go unchallenged especially when DCs are around to hear them. But when I do she claims I am trying to limit her freedom of speech. I sympathise OP.

By the way, I would be glad if anyone could help me with some info for if she goes on another rant - where can I find any facts etc to counter such claims, for instance that soon our schools could be overrun with children that don't speak English, to the detriment of the British children in the class? She believes that there will be 25 foreigners to 5 British children.

I wonder, is it ever possible for parents to be MORE tolerant and liberal than their adult children?