To ask well meaning grandma to back off a bit?

[Flyingbytheseatofmypullups]

My mum adores DD and helps me out once a week with childcare. She does things differently to me but I try not to let things bother me as I am grateful for her help. She does tend to buy things for DD all the time and I have asked her to sometimes arrive at our house without anything as I don't want DD to expect something every time. I have struggled a bit with the build up to xmas. My mum is stepping into what i feel is my territory as a mum, i know she is loving the role of grandma but some things have felt out of my control. I have bitten my tongue several times but today ended up snapping at her and I feel bad so want to explain how I feel and ask her to back off a bit - but don't want to upset her the week before xmas. The reason I snapped today was because she showed me some pyjamas (with some characters on) and asked if DD had a pair. When I said no she said well she has now and she should open/ wear them xmas eve. I said No rather loud and said I was sorry but I have pyjamas ready for xmas eve, that we really didn't need any more presents for xmas and perhaps they could be saved for birthday. I feel like I need to say that she's my only DD and (particularly in our house) me and DH want to be the ones who decide how we're doing things. Would that be unreasonable?

DD is 3 if that makes any difference. I never had xmas pj's as a kid and don't remember writing letters to santa - i'd kind of thought that would happen when DD could, well, write. But thats something thats been suggested frequently so I've ended up doing it. No harm whatsoever in it, but just thought it would be nice to do next year. thinking about it, a lot of mum's friends have older grandkids whilst she only has my DD. I can imagine that if I had more kids, all a bit older and some of the initial excitement of kids at xmas had worm off, I'd probably bite their hand off if offered xmas jimjams!

tiktok if you gave me boundaries I would just go and stand on the far side of them

itwill - I'm not sure I've read that right - are you saying that if your daughter/son asked you not to do/buy certain things for THEIR child, you'd just run roughshod over their wishes?

No, you may not have lost the skills you developed as a mother but this isn't YOUR child, it's someone else's. Also, parenting advice changes over the decades so things that might have been acceptable when you were a mother may not be acceptable now.

I think when it comes to 'special' outfits, like 1st Christmas ones etc, or even just Christmas Day outfits, it's only polite to ask the parents first if they've already picked something out. I know Grandmothers can get all over excited and OTT when it comes to grandchildren but I think you (grandparents in general) need to stop and remember that your excitement about your grandchild is only a fraction of the excitement that a parent feels about their own child, new traditions, 1st occasions etc.

I was very fortunate with my mum's parents, they were fabulous grandparents and I spent an awful lot of my childhood with them. I enjoyed the time spent, not the money spent. They weren't very well off and so hardly ever bought us things but I sorely miss them now. My own children have pretty rubbish grandparents (only the grandmothers now), which makes me appreciate the ones I had even more.

I don't get all this buying of stuff.

Don't these DGMs remember their own DCs? Who ignored the pile of plastic in the toy box and wanted the empty margarine tub and old spoon?

Somehow I feel it's mainly to give the DGMs pleasure and not the DCs, sit and read a book with them, take them for a nice walk at their pace instead.

Flying your last post is exactly right. I found it just took a long time to appreciate those things for what they were instead of letting it irk you. Once you do it becomes quite enjoyable actually I find. I don't think my mum would ever be put out if some of the things she got I already had prepared myself eg Jim jams, as long as I appreciated the thought.

My mum is really relishing the grandma role and often can't help picking things up for dc, but the one thing that's different I think is that sometimes (not always) she buys things and passes them to me when dc aren't there or when they are still in parcels (online shopping) so often the stuff still gets to dc but they don't realise it's a gift as it's not been directly handed over by grandma, so I don't worry that they will grow up expecting presents from grandparents everytime. I mean don't get me wrong, they do expect something every time they go to grandma's. .. her cooking!
But if you try not to worry and there's nothing else going on, and make less of a thing of it, I think it will all be fine

itwill, sensible people can discuss these issues when behaviour from one person is upsetting or treading on someone else's toes, and make the boundaries clear.

If mothers or MILs deliberately step over boundaries to make a point ie do something with/for the dc they have been asked not to do (having been given good reasons, and the chance to discuss it amicably first), daughters and DILs are understandably hurt and also quite cross.

You may well be a kind, loving and delightful grandmother, who knows where and when to stop.

But your determination to cross boundaries cannot possibly be a good thing.

My DM was and still is like this! I'm her only child so my dds are her only DGC. She spoils them so much!

I felt a bit overwhelmed by it all for a while; I felt my space aa their DM was being invaded, if I am brutally honest. But, as the years have passed (dd1 is almost 6yo) and the relationships between me and my dds have developed, I realise that it is okay for them to have these two very important and very central women in their lives (me and my DM). My confidence as a mum has grown. I am their Mum. We all know it So the competitive thing I once thought was there has dissipated.

I also relalise that this a way for her to demonstrate how much she cherishes my dds I'm so lucky to have her as my DM, ans my children are to have her as their DGM.

Christmas is a stressful time so I wouldn't say anything just yet. However, you should say something about her always arriving with a present: my DM used to and when dd1 got to be about 4yo, waa mortified if my DM arrived empty-handed. Usually, a packet of sweets is all that is needed if my Mum wants to bring something ans it not always be a new toy or item of clothing.

I agree with what has been sais upthread: pick your battles. Going off about a sweet suggestion about pyjamas on Xmas Eve will upset her, will make you feel awful and is just not worth it.

OTOH, if your DM tries to step in over their dietary habits, or who they should be friends with, then that's another matter.

My MiL bought some hideous outfits for my LO for special occasions, occasions I had already catered for.

I didn't want to upset her, so used some of them on occasions and other times put on outfits that I had bought for her.

To be honest, if my mother or mother in law did the same, I would be glad they were taking an interest

The reason I snapped today was because she showed me some pyjamas (with some characters on) and asked if DD had a pair. When I said no she said well she has now and she should open/ wear them xmas eve. I said No rather loud and said I was sorry but I have pyjamas ready for xmas eve

In fairness, it sounds as though she didn't know that you had already bought the Christmas PJs and just suggested it as a nice idea rather than trying to undermine your plans or outdo you. I think you need to tread carefully to avoid upsetting her as it does sound as though you both want to give your daughter a magical Christmas, and that should be the important thing.

Could you maybe just portion out the fun - explain to your mum that you don't want to duplicate efforts/time/money and as her if there are specific jobs she wants to do such as buying an advent calendar/small stocking fillers/specific gift that your daughter has asked for and you do the rest. It doesn't need to be a competition if you both agree which bits you will do beforehand - maybe you can use this latest incident as a starting point for the discussion so that next year you will both concentrate on your own jobs!

Whilst I appreciate that as parents you have certain 'rules' that should be followed - food, snacks, sweets, bedtimes etc and I am happy to buy clothes that I know my DDs and DiL would prefer, I don't think that DGMs need to be patronised with Somehow I feel it's mainly to give the DGMs pleasure and not the DCs, sit and read a book with them, take them for a nice walk at their pace instead.
Buying things doesn't preclude spending time with them

Why don't u tell ur mother to buy a pair of pj's for you since you are her daughter and that you will buy a pair of pj's for your daughter. This way it's a win win situation.

I regularly tell my mother (tongue in cheek of course) that it's her responsibility to look after me and my responsibility to look after my little girl. Hinting that there's a pecking order in terms of how things are done.

Itwillbecold your post demonstrates to me that in fact a lot of us a probably correct in our instincts that some grandparents aren't the whiter than white people that are frequently portrayed on here.