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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To really want children

40 replies

butterflywhite · 18/12/2014 23:06

More of a musing than an AIBU but I don't know, I am single and getting to the stage where having a child may prove difficult if I don't meet someone soonish.

Obviously that could still happen but I am having to face up to the fact it might not.

If - and I know it is an if, but if it doesn't - I don't know. What sort of life will I have? What sort of future? The media representation of single childless women is so bleak and while on the one hand I know that's complete nonsense I also think I've internalised it on some level as the thought of being childless really upsets me.

Has anyone else experienced anything similar?

OP posts:

ChickenMe · 19/12/2014 10:49

It's not all over yet butterfly. I will share my experience. At 34-35 I found myself stuck. I'd found myself either perpetually single or involved with useless men. In my heart I wanted a family but I wasnt ready to stand up and admit it. I felt very conflicted-should I grimly accept my "fate" as I'd decreed it or did I dare to hope?

Anyway, I went for some counselling. It was the best thing I could've done. Just talking about it helped me to see things clearer.

The media implies that if you're a single woman in her late 30s and you want kids you're a failure and desperate. I had to get over that feeling and realise that part of getting something you really, really want is a)admitting it to yourself and b)saying it out loud and sod everyone else.

It sounds cheesy but the only thing standing in the way of me meeting someone was me. Id certainly become very guarded and cynical. If I hadn't had the counselling I would have never let my guard down enough to take a chance with my now OH. Luckily I was able to take a risk, we got together and I'm now 38 with a bun in the oven .

I don't know if my experience is similar to yours or if it helps but I found the counselling so useful I didn't want to stop!

Kittymum03 · 19/12/2014 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

victoria401 · 19/12/2014 13:05

Hi ladies :-)

I have a friend who is 38 and single and desperately wants to settle down and have a child. I do know she is very lonely and I can't be there for her that often as I have a dh and we are ttc (with difficulties). I think she is jealous of me for being in the position to ttc as I have a partner but it's not been an easy road for us either and we start fertility treatment in Jan. I do tell her to put herself out there and try to meet someone, I met my dh online dating. She's just not confident and I don't know how else to help.

If me and dh didn't manage to have children I think our lives will be OK. I think we'd make more travel plans and try new things. I don't think it's the end of the world for us. We will grieve and move on. I hope you find happiness...

Starlightbright1 · 19/12/2014 13:14

I didn't get pregnant till 36 ... I was having fertility treatment. I found myself planning what I would do with my life if I didn't conceive. It is very different to the life with my DS.

Not everyone wants to travel but you can consider what you would like to do with your life. I feel while I love my DS dearly I do have some of my life plans on hold till he is grown. If I get to do them remains to be seen.

I have friends that do and those who don't life is different,but people have different ties whether it be work a house.

Original poster

butterflywhite · 19/12/2014 17:14

I think one of the main issues has already been cited - that if you aren't going to have children your life should be filled with "trips and things" but a lot of that fulfilment is expected to come from your partner - as if you're so much in love you never got round to having children.

OP posts:

Kittymum03 · 19/12/2014 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lymmmummy · 19/12/2014 18:05

I don't to think you have to be less happy just because you don't have children

I do think this is a sort of crucial few years for you though -

Gateway Woman is a good site but it's for those who cannot have Children rather than those in your situation

Original poster

butterflywhite · 20/12/2014 10:17

Yes, there's a big difference (obviously!) in infertility and in longing for children but being unable to have them due to lack of relationship - however there are parallels not least the slow recognition it might never happen.

It's hard to move to a point of acceptance and I do feel it - really feel it - at Christmas.

OP posts:

Beangarda · 21/12/2014 19:48

I don't think you should feel compelled to be 'adventurous' in a way that doesn't interest you simply because you don't, or may not, have children, OP. I think travel is often just shorthand in this discussion for the ability to shape your life the way you like without having to pay heed to the needs of dependants.

We moved around a lot between countries and continents, and at times commuted internationally for work before we had our son, but I'm very aware now that when we move on from the village we currently live in, his needs have to be considered (he's lived here since 8 months and is now 2.8, so it's all he remembers), and we need to settle down a bit when he starts school.

Trills · 21/12/2014 19:55

What sort of life will you have?

That depends entirely on who you are and what actions you take.

You could have all manner of very different lives, depending on the choices you make.

Spartak · 21/12/2014 20:04

I'm 37, single and childless too. I could have written your post. I don't know how to make myself accept that it might not happen.

I think this time of year is the hardest. TV full of adverts of bright eyed families looking happy, Facebook covered in pictures of children sat beside Christmas trees surrounded by presents just rubs it in more!

Phineyj · 21/12/2014 20:17

Hi OP - my DH and I went through a long phase when it seemed like we might not have children (we have one now). I looked around at friends and colleagues and realised there were lots who were single/childless by choice/gay or for whatever reason had no children and no interest in having any. I spent more time with them and less with friends and family with children and it was helpful as it gave me an idea of all the interesting and fun things I could do with my life and meant I wasn't comparing my life all the time. Now we have DD, two friends who have no DC of their own are 'ungodparents' and they are brilliant with her. I think DD will appreciate having them in her life. There are ways to be involved with children/young people other than having children yourself. It is hard to feel that you are on a different track but I agree with previous posters - being happy or not doesn't seem that closely connected with having children. I think being in a good relationship or having good friends and colleagues does matter a lot though. I would also second the counselling suggestion - a good counsellor will stop you going round and round over things.

WorriedMutha · 21/12/2014 20:37

I married at 36 and had a child at 40. I am sure there are many that find fulfilment in life without children but once you have them, it seems unimaginable. I am sure had we not had a child, we could have reconciled ourselves to the situation and found solace in a different direction.

The title of your post shouts broody and only you know in your heart if you can make the adjustment to a permanently childless future. You have a narrow window in which to conceive and if you really want a child, you will have to play the dating game. Life really isn't very fair.

Andcake · 21/12/2014 20:49

I remember being in the same boat - the medias portrayal of childless women had nothing to do with my misery it was an urge I wanted kids. I struck lucky but only managed one dc in the time I had left. I never really came to terms with the thought of childlessness but tried to acknowledge and make plans that I would have children - adoption or via volunteering-in my life whatever. I also know a couple of people who have gone the sperm donor route.
This time of year can make it so much worse I remember every year crying my eyes out. A not very distant memory.
Some people don't want kids, others find it easier to make peace with whatever fate throws their way and others make decisions about kids over a relationship and forge a different path - you don't need to wait for a man!

Jinglbel · 22/12/2014 09:35

If you do want children then make the decision and then put everything into making it happen.

This was said to me aged 35 by a very dear friend and it was the best advice I've ever had.

I met dh shortly afterwards, we married when I was 38 and had dc when I was 39 and 42. It wasn't easy. We needed iui for the first and had failed ivf before we eventually got pregnant naturally with no.2.

I was really happy at 35 and single too. Good job, busy, lots of friends, independence and travel and I'm sure I could have continued and had a lovely life, but, but, but I was broody and wanted a family of my own. When friends started having kids I felt slightly bitter. I knew then. I was jealous.

I got busy. Got therapy, joined online dating. I'm really happy I took action when I did.

Make it happen op if its really what you want.

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