so sad over lost friendship, just want to get over it

[jinglealltheway2014]

I've known 2 friends for 10 years, we met at antenatal group and our friendship continued when dcs started school. But for the last 3 years I've been aware that both of them and another mum from school have gotten close, have dinner parties, weekends away etc and I've never been invited to any of these, I see it all on fb. So, for the last 2 months I haven't been turning up to our weekly coffee mornings. I've not had a text or phonecall about this which means that they really don't care and are happy to continue their lives without me. I see them occasionally on the school run, quick 'hi, you ok?' and that's it. I'm hurt but these things happen. I'm not going back on this decision, it's been messing with my head and making me insecure for a long time. But I just can't stop crying about it, It's like I'm in mourning. Part of me thinks they are really not worth it but part of me is so sad. How long will these feelings last? Why are some women so cruel and why has it taken me so long to realise that they really weren't that interested in me?

Sorry to hear about your situation. It is very sad and you must allow yourself some time to grieve. It's just like the end of a relationship so don't be too hard on yourself. If you find that you're still desperately upset and crying after a long time, it might be worth finding someone to talk to about it maybe.

A year ago my very good friend started blanking me and always said she was too busy to do anything socially. She would stand in the playground at pick-up, staring into space, not entering into any conversations and she sort of drifted away from me. I would mention it to other friends, and they would say that she's doing the same to everyone... it wasn't just me. But I was her best friend. We did everything together. I asked her what was wrong and she said she just didn't feel much like socialising with anyone. But I didn't think I was 'anyone'. I thought I was more than that. I also asked again and again if her dd would like to come round for tea after school, as my ds and I missed her terribly, but she said 'Oh, dd and your ds don't really play together any more so I don't think so'. That hurt more than anything. I still miss her dd dreadfully. She hugs me in the playground sometimes and I secretly hope my friend sees it so she can witness how close we were, and how I lost her dd as well as her friendship.

Anyway, one year on, she recently asked a friend of mine, 'Why does farewell hate me so much?'. I couldn't believe it. I've never said a bad word about her. I let her go and moved on. I never bitched or blamed. But she still thought I hated her? We still swapped texts occasionally, chatted amicably enough in the playground and commented on each other's posts on the dreaded FB. In the end she messaged me and asked if she could come round for a cuppa. We had an amiable enough chat, but we didn't discuss why our friendship had fallen apart. It's like the elephant in the room and we were unable to discuss it. Anyway, we rub along alright now, but it will never ever be the same. We've both moved on. I thought at 42 I was probably past all that, but it seems not. I hope you find some peace and can move on as well, and find some new friends.

It does sound really hard but one thing I have done now I am older is probably invested less in friendships and been more relaxed about the fact that people will not always want to include me in things and I try to take my friendships for what they are. It's made life a lot less stressful for me. I know some friends might do things without me and that's fine. I sometimes do things with some friends and not others and that's fine too.

I like people and they like me but I understand that there might be times when they want to be with one person on their own and that's ok. There's quite a large group of friends where we live locally but although everyone is friends we all have friendships within the big group.

Its not that you want to exclude someone and sometimes its lovely to see lots of people but sometimes you might want a quieter group. It could be that you have more in common with some people or that you just don't always want loads of people round your house! I never get invited to any sporty type events that my friends are doing as I hate sport with a passion and they know I wouldn't be interested!

I think you can drive yourself mad if you get into a situation where you all have to be together for everything.

Have you ever invited the friends to a dinner party at yours or on holiday?

If you were still all meeting for weekly coffee they must like you. Maybe the husbands of the women all get on very well and as it sounds like they are doing lots of "couples" things without you it could be that is why.

Maybe as you have just stopped going to the coffee mornings they think you are off with them?

Oh friendships! They can be we a wonderful thing when everything is hunky dory, but as we get older and our priorities change it doesn't take much to mis-match over time and effort, get the hump over it or get the wrong end of the stick, and find you've drifted apart.

There was a thread running recently about getting older and more unsociable. So many on there said they'd like to say they had loads of friends but cant/wont put the work in.

Not exactly your situation OP, i know, just mulling it over.

Right now i'm loosing touch with a friend i've known from primary school. That's 30 something mutter mutter years! How sad! I often mull over starting a thread about it - but at the end of the day i've either got to let it go, or do the grown up talk about it with her thing. It's such a tangled web i cant find it in me to do the big talk (and to be honest she's been a bit of a cow to me over the last few years and i don't think she deserves it anyway! ).

ramble over.

Agree with Bookbag. If you liked the women and enjoyed the coffee mornings then why stop going just because they didn't invite you on holiday with them? It seems a real shame - especially as you are obviously so unhappy about it.

I am one of 3 good friends and if I'm honest the other 2 are closer to each other than they are to me. But that's ok. I still like them. They still like me. I still have fun with both of them individually and together as we raise our children together.

Occassionally I do give a bit of a "gulp" as I realise that they have organised something just the two of them that I would have liked (or more often wouldn't have liked but would have liked to be invited!) but their existence makes my life better and that is what matters.

Sorry this has upset you.
Have I got this right - you stopping going to coffee as some sort of test to see if they would miss you - they failed this test, so now you are cross? Sounds like an odd thing to do to me.
When you saw they were socialising more, did you make any efforts to invite them to yours for dinner? Or did you offer to organise any weekends away?

You can't really complain if you are not invited to things if you don't make any effort yourself. It is not fair to think they are obliged to invite you when you do not invite them either.
But, if you did invite them and they declined, then you are right to be upset. Not all friendship groups work out - we've all had similar experiences. I know I have.
Hope you feel happier soon.