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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's only a pint..

21 replies

HappyTrollidays · 18/12/2014 10:28

Except, it's not.

I'm kind of new here, I was a member a few years ago and I genuinely don't know if I need to get a grip.

I've been with my husband for ten years, married for four. The past couple of years, he has been caught out lying, generally about drink, lots of silly little lies. For example, he will say he's had one pint when he's had two, he will go fishing and go out of his way to tell me he won't go to the pub but when I call, he's in the pub. These things wouldn't really bother me but he lies, even when I ask him outright about it.

Now, we have five children, the youngest two are both pre school age and quite hard work. He doesn't go "out" very often but goes fishing a lot in the summer and spends a lot of time at the rugby club during winter.

His latest lie has really hurt me and I don't know if I can let it go. On Tuesday, I had a really busy day, two school nativity plays and my eldest was sent home from school poorly. He was due to finish work at five but usually with a five o clock finish, he is home by 4.30. My daughter had her school disco at five so I called him to ask if he would be home in time to take her, he didn't answer. He called back a few minutes later but I was busy with one of the other children so my eldest answered the phone. He said, it's all gone to shit at work and he wouldn't be finishing early so would be home at about 5.30, he said he can't really talk so to tell me he will call me when he can.

My eldest has just got his first iPhone (my mums cast off, but still quite expensive for a 12 year old) We installed "find my iPhone" on his and my husbands phone so if he loses it, we have a small chance of finding it. He was playing with his phone and said "oh, dad's on his way home" So I called and he told me he was still at work and he would call me in a bit. When I looked at the phone, I could see he was at the pub up the road. I called him again and asked him to come home so I didn't have to drag all the kids back to the school and he came home full of apologies.

I haven't really spoken to him since but I don't know where to go from here, he seems to think I'm being silly "over a pint" and all the blokes do it.

How would you react, is it normal to lie to your wife? I feel so lost and confused.

OP posts:
DoraGora · 18/12/2014 10:31

Get one of those trackers that the CIA uses and sew it into his trousers.

AlpacaMyBags · 18/12/2014 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 18/12/2014 10:32

I think going for a pint after work is fair enough if nothing else is pre-arranged (as it obviously was in this situation) and if you both get equal opportunities for me time. I agree it's the lying that I would absolutely hate.

Nabootique · 18/12/2014 10:39

Does he lie because he feels like it's wrong to be drinking? Has he had issues with drinking in the past?

Quitelikely · 18/12/2014 10:39

I think you need to be realistic. Your dh isn't in jail. He's married with children but he is still allowed out right? You're allowed out too right? But don't get out much due to the kids? If so start making it happen then you won't be fed up when he has some time to himself.

Set clear boundaries about what is acceptable to both of you.

Goingintohibernation · 18/12/2014 10:41

Why does he lie about drinking? Does he or you have an issue with it? I would not be happy with being lied to like this.

Original poster
HappyTrollidays · 18/12/2014 10:52

He absolutely is allowed out and does go out a fair bit, I don't go out much but that's through choice. Only last week he called and asked if I would mind him stopping in the pub on the way home from work, it wasn't a problem, he was at the pub on Sunday evening with his dad and is off out on Saturday. I think that's why this has hurt me, he makes me feel like I'm some kind of monster who doesn't want him to have fun.

He knows I will only ask him not to go if there is something going on. He knew how hectic my day had been and that by him going to the pub, I was going to have to drag the toddlers out for the 5th time that day.

This honestly isn't about the drinking or going out, it's about the lying.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 18/12/2014 10:56

Lyiing and going to the pub when you need him to come home is a big problem. If there isn't actually an issue with alcohol, there's an issue with selfishness.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 18/12/2014 10:57

Not coming home early when needed because of work - annoying but acceptable.

Saying he's working but going for a pint before coming home on a normal day - daft but harmless really if he doesn't have alcohol issues.

Lying about working then going for a drink when he's been told he's needed at home - out of bloody line.

OhBuggeringBollocks · 18/12/2014 10:57

This is absolutely not about "a pint".

I would question any person who put having a drink mid afternoon before helping out their partner and ill child. He sounds a complete cock.

I would go totally nuts, he is clearly a selfish man who is happy to lie through his teeth to do what he wants. And has a possible drink issue

BathshebaDarkstone · 18/12/2014 10:59

It sounds like he might have a drink problem. Going to the pub's fine, lying about it is dodgy. Sad

BeyondTheTreelights · 18/12/2014 11:01

Agree with you. Going for a pint is fine, its the (continuous!) lying that is not. Kick him into touch.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 18/12/2014 11:01

This is where you tell him that if he wants a pint, he needs to say so. Ask him why he feels compelled to lie about it.

AlpacaYourThings · 18/12/2014 11:05

I absolutely detest lying. This sort pisses me off the most, it's just so unnecessary.

I would address the lying not the fact he has gone to the pub, personally.

QueenofallIsee · 18/12/2014 11:09

I don't think its necessarily a drink problem, more an attitude problem. OP, your husband is a selfish twunt - I would be livid at my DP pretending to be at work when he is in the pub, if I needed him at home to fulfill a family obligation. Again I say, TWUNT.

I would be saying 'I am fed up of being made to feel like a bad guy and I am tired of excusing your selfishness. I am very supportive of you going out, this week alone you are out 3 times, and that is no problem. But to lie to me, KNOWING I needed you to help with the children shows you have no respect for me and do not value our family above your selfish wants. Sort it out or you will ruin our marriage'

TracyBarlow · 18/12/2014 11:10

I would be massively passed off with him fucking off to the pub when you're struggling, then lying about it.

I would probably just disappear on Saturday afternoon or sometime when you both have the kids and are massively busy. When he phones to ask where you are, just say you're 'working'' while you're sipping a wine from whichever venue you choose.

Playthegameout · 18/12/2014 11:17

The find the iPhone thing can be wrong, so it could be a mistake? But it's weird that he's lying about drinking. I think you should have a chat and agree to both get time to yourselves, child free, equally.

Original poster
HappyTrollidays · 18/12/2014 11:17

I'm not sure he has a drink problem, his dad does. He has been an alcoholic for many years. He also lies to mil about almost everything. I think that's what worries me, that we will be them in 20 years time, him still lying, me still putting up with it.

We had a very serious chat about this almost a year ago, he told me he doesn't know why he does it. And I believe him, but he can't seem to stop. Hence why I don't know where we go from here. I just feel really let down.

OP posts:
youareallbonkers · 18/12/2014 11:27

Why does he feel he needs to lie? Are you unreasonable about him going for a drink? You track him with his Iphone? I'm not surprised he lies to you, that would make anyone tell fibs!

Chandon · 18/12/2014 11:34

my husband used to lie exactly like this.

He would secretly drink a 3 or 4 cans of beer on the train home.

He would always say he just and the 1, he ALWAYS leid about his alcohol intake.

He had (and has a problem) with alcohol. We had a massive fight after he got drunk and insulted my friends.

He said he and no problems with alcohol.

I told him the lying meant that clearly he felt the truth of his drinking did not hold up to scrutiny.

He stopped drinking for a year (to prove to the world he was not an alcoholic)....

Anyway, if all his lying is about booze...the problem is booze. This is an addict's behaviour (the sneaky drinks, the minimising and the lying all go with addiction).

he may not hink he is an addict as he is not roaring drunk all the time. But clearly he has an alcohol dependency issue.

I don't know what the answer is, after the fight and the dry spell he is back to drinking. And has started minimising/fibbing again...

It is hard not to feel unreasonable if the drinker is not actually a text-book drunk IYSWIM

Original poster
HappyTrollidays · 18/12/2014 11:36

Oh and the find my iPhone thing honestly wasn't me spying on him. Before last year, he was really bad, he wouldn't "lie" he would just not tell me things. A lot. All to do with drinking. If I had had the app then, I would definitely have used it, I was a paranoid wreck. But things have got better, he tells me where he is, even if he knows I won't like it.

But this has kind of undone all the trust that he has spent this last year building back up. He thinks I should look at the whole picture and see how much he has changed but I just feel betrayed.

OP posts:
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