Aibu re baby announcement at Christmas/sensitive subject

[Monkeysee100]

Iabu?
My brother in law has confided in my husband that his girlfriend is pregnant. BIL at wits end as this is unplanned (at least from his point of view) and they have have had a difficult inheritable condition confirmed in older son and a 50% chance of the same happening again.

We have been through something similar, want another child but are very carefully weighing up options and having tests due to the potential problem and impact on close and wider family who help with child care because we feel it's not just a case of what we desire.

I think BIL is blind to her and foolish. She has been selfish, devious and irresponsible. She got pregnant "accidentally" with first when their relationship was rocky (BIL was constantly on dating sites and was on the verge of leaving her even while pregnant), said she would have another child before she turned a certain age ignoring BIL's wishes (regarding the medical condition/advice) and dumps first child on family and did so practically from birth.
Bit of backstory, that is nothing to do with me- except that we get constant texts and phone calls asking for help and advice when shit hits the fan for example BIL already questioning accidental nature of both. I feel he is equally irresponsible in this. Takes two etc.

What is to do with me is that we are meant to go to a small family special occasion they will host where it will be announced. Most family members already know but are not supposed to say. I find it hard when strangers announce new babies and that's my issue. But I don't feel I should be held hostage and have it forced down my throat when they know it's a sensitive issue for us. So iabu to ask DH to ask they consider our feelings?

This is a wee bit off topic but why do women always get the blame for unplanned pregnancies? If he didnt want to get her pregnant the second time (or indeed the first) presumbaly he could have sorted out contraception himself. Bit unfair to 'blame' sil for the unplanned pregnancies, presumably he was a willing party in the conception!

Other than that I really do understand being sensitive to pregnancy announcements - there was a time when I couldnt even cope with seeing the news deliered on fb and would unfriend anyone that was pregnant or had babies (sounds very harsh but if youve gone through something like that then you'll understand) if it is going to trigger or upset you then please just dont go.

I don't like the picture of your BIL that I'm getting here. He hasn't stepped up and been responsible about using birth control (and for the record you cannot "trap" somebody into making you pregnant if they're willingly sleeping with you especially whilst knowing that you want another child!) He then proceeds to check out dating sites while his girlfriend is pregnant and hopes to leave her whilst continuing to dump on your DH about how miserable he is with her and how awful she is. He sounds like a real prize. I get the impression you don't know the girlfriend really, just what you hear from your charming BIL, so I highly doubt his his word is all gospel truth here.

I understand how emotionally tough it is to have made your decision not to have another child because of the genetic condition, but you're insinuating that the girlfriend (because somehow this isn't the BIL's fault at all...!) is reckless and irresponsible to get pregnant with the genetic risk. That isn't a judgement for you to make frankly. She shouldn't have to hide her pregnancy or not want to share the happy news either. As somebody who was born with a 50% chance of inheriting a severe genetic condition (I didn't) I'm exceedingly glad I'm here! Of course testing wasn't available in my mother's day so she was spared your heartache. Best advice, the pregnancy is a fact, may as well hope for the best. Good luck!

But if your genetic condition is different to theirs surely it's a completely different choice?

The conditions are different and unlikely to be related but it's being investigated at our request. The impact on our child is uncertain but monitored. The impact on DN already very apparent and quite significant in almost every area. These conditions are also very variable.

To the poster who said about being glad her mum took the risk. Understandable as it worked out well however the flip side is giving another human a lifelong potentially debilitating condition. It's not something I can take lightly and maybe I am pissed off that she can. Especially given the level of care DN needs/is likely to need.

My BIL is no catch and not an easy person but I think he has had his head screwed as far as extending their family- IVF, adoption, etc. which his girlfriend refused point blank. And the condom commentators are spot on however he was under the impression she was using the contraception she normally does but wasn't. She is hugely influenced by her close friend and the moment the friend does something she follows suit. It's actually a family joke- moving house, both children, job change. She does it regardless of anyone else's wishes.

I am too invested and it has come in the middle of a perfect storm as far as work and family are concerned but I will weather it and look forward to everything after.

DH did request it was maybe not announce on the visit which perhaps is selfish but BIL said he completely understands where we are coming from. I am feeling more like I can give congratulations and 'suck it up' as someone so delicately put it.

Lmao!!

Is there no chance of in utero detection of the genetic condition by amnio etc?
Or even maybe harmony if they worked with the baby DNA.
I say that because you said ivf and surely thats a similar detection.
Except ivf is very expensive and unless youre young you get only a finite number of eggs which would then be tested.
With only say a 1/4 chance of conception.

Then it is sil choice and i dont think bil should feel responsible for the child if she was manipulating her, even more so if the child gas the disability.

It is very selfish if they already cant cope. But i can see she is probably looking to have an unaffected child.
But it is her/their mess. And if i were him i would have been using condoms too (especially as he could assume from the fact she wants a baby that abortion would not be an option in even of an accident)
As in im thinking if you have a say only 1/4 chance of passing it on the odd are in your favour that the baby would be fine so action wouldnt be necessary.
It sounds unusual for i assume both brothers to have a genetic different problem.
Try not to get upset because her having a baby doesnt stop you or affect your choice about trying. Except to think you are being more responsible and cautious.

In our case detection is possible. We are undergoing testing to ensure we are not carriers. The other condition could have an underlying genetic cause but they have not had that confirmed before proceeding but have been given clear risk percentages by professionals, as have we.

Our risk ranges is likely to be 5% but could be up to 50%. And their decision impacts on us due to shared child care.

Update.

I still don't officially know but we've (DH) has already been asked to babysit overnight a baby that will be weeks old! I despair I really do!!

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