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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I get the shitty end of the illness stick

57 replies

Hoggle246 · 17/12/2014 07:37

Have spent last few weeks looking after ds and dh through various foul illnesses.

I now have a hideous cold and feel worse than I have in years. My option is to get the hell on with it. Am a SAHP and dh is out the door at 7am. He won't be back until late tonight because of a Christmas party his second of the week

To top it off, ds likes waking up at 4am. Am starting to feel a bit broken. Obviously I know dh has lots of shitty things to deal with at work but at least if he's ill he gets to stay in bed and feel appropriately sorry for himself.

Ok, moan over.

OP posts:
RiverTam · 17/12/2014 09:23

I would sit down and have a chat with him about how to deal with this kind of thing in the future. As your are a SAHP, that means he will never have to deal with his DC being ill (and from a certain perspective, you are facilitating his career as he doesn't have to get involved in this side of things), and so not have to take time off work for that. The flipside is that if you are ill, he needs to know that he has to take time off to look after your DS. If you both worked and had a childminder and she was ill, this would happen - your situation is the same in this respect.

Whether you are a WOHP or a SAHP, you are still a parent. I think a lot of fathers, but more importantly, a lot of fathers' employers, forget that.

tiggytape · 17/12/2014 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 17/12/2014 11:27

Hoggle, I understand what you're saying. It's good that he has declined the party as it shows he is aware too.

I think PPs are right in that the value to the WOHP of having a SAHP needs to be recognised by both parties. And I say this as my DH was the SAHP for years, it's so easy to travel, work late, always have someone else there to go to the school functions etc, but the person enabling you to do this needs to be recognised for this, and the detrimental effect it has on their own career. I don't want to derail this into a SAHP v WOHP as it always does, but it's worth setting your stall out, so to speak, right from the start. Although I think the contribution of SAHPS is more overlooked if they're women....but that will definitely derail the thread! I hope you all feel better soon.

furcoatbigknickers · 17/12/2014 11:31

Flowers rubbish isn't it? Its the 5th week of illness here. I've caught a viral thingy off dcs, we are having a very lazy day. Dh leaves at 645 back at 7.... He was supposed to be out twice thus week too but has cancelled one.Brew

Badvocinapeartree · 17/12/2014 11:38

Wohm usually have child are options and can send dc when they are ill and need the rest.
Sahms usually don't, so can't.
My Dh can be like this. It is upsetting, but I have learnt over the years not to expect him to offer. I tell him ask him outright!

mumofthemonsters808 · 17/12/2014 11:38

I know how you feel OP, me and DS currently have the flu and I'm finding it so hard to look after him. All I want to do is sleep and I can not wait until DH's arrives home from work so that I can go to bed.DS seems a lot better today and keeps asking for drinks and food, which is a good sign, but it is taking it out of me even walking to the kitchen because my legs feel so heavy and my head is throbbing. DH's would just take the day off and stay in bed.

christinarossetti · 17/12/2014 11:39

Well, if you're going to be off next time dj takes to his bed when ill, you do feel resentful.

I do understand that some of this is personality. The workday stops when my dj has a cold, and i've just never been like that.

You are allowed to have changing needs. It may be that you need to call him later on to come home early, or give him the heads up about being prepared to take tomorrow off if you feel worse.

furcoatbigknickers · 17/12/2014 11:41

If I'm really ill now I insist Dh takes time off but its not easy for him either, plus he has to have a leg falling off before he will stay off if ill.Shock one time I was so so ill and he wouldn't come home so I threatened to tell ss to rake dcs - was serious-- was admitted to hospital for a week.

Dh also offers insists his parents come to piss me off help. This will only happen if im in hospital.

furcoatbigknickers · 17/12/2014 11:43

I think because Dh is not one to take to bed or be off work, I don't feel resentful unless serious.

Aherdofmims · 17/12/2014 11:44

I am wohm but self employed so basically have to go to work however I'll, then come home and do childcare!

People who do my job never take a day off unless dying/ projectile vomiting etc

So yes I feel your pain but thought it might help that it is not only sahms.

Get well soon!

Ps a shitty stick wI'll make you ill!

Original poster
Hoggle246 · 17/12/2014 12:08

God there's such a lot going about at the moment, hope everyone feels better soon.

Ds is being such a trooper today, he is usually very active a maniac but is just being gentle and go with the flow. He also keeps giving me hugs so I obviously look particularly pathetic.

He will go stir crazy indoors so will try to take him for a quick walk after lunch. Might perk me up too. Either that or the hit of lemsip.

OP posts:
RiverTam · 17/12/2014 12:20

I would definitely try to get out, even if it's just around the block. Then you can absolutely treat yourself to tea and biscuits and telly under the duvet when you get back Grin.

HonoraryOctonaut · 17/12/2014 12:24

Are you still with him CuriousGeorgie? Awful of him to treat you like that!

I am poorly at the moment, and really struggling. I've got that nasty chesty virus that's going round and toothache. I'm a single parent of 4 though so no chance of a rest.

Original poster
Hoggle246 · 17/12/2014 12:33

honorary that sounds so tough. I hope family can help you a bit? Sending Flowers and Cake

OP posts:
murmuration · 17/12/2014 12:35

I do think you should say something, though, if you really do want him to stay home. If as you say he's very stressed at work, he many not be able to tell the difference between you having a bit of a cold and being really incapable.

DH is SAHD (although now does some PT work) and we're both currently ill; I stayed home one day because I was too sick to work, and ended up looking after DD, and DH rested. But now I'm at work making up what I missed (still sick), and he's a bit worse than me, but looking after DD. There have been times when I've stayed home to take care of DD, or once when I took her in to a meeting, because DH was too ill to look after her. I honestly don't remember who said anything, but I suspect DH asked for the time I took her to the meeting, because I really wouldn't have suggested that on my own! I was terribly embarrassed and felt unprofessional, but it was all we could do.

I find it annoying that DH can (and has) take DD into work when needed and everyone just sees a 'great dad'; but if I do it's unprofessional... (but that's a completely different topic, sorry).

furcoatbigknickers · 17/12/2014 13:04

This is why I think we should ditch the dhs and live on a commune once we've finished having dcs.Grin

Original poster
Hoggle246 · 17/12/2014 14:22

[reserves place on commune]

OP posts:
furcoatbigknickers · 17/12/2014 14:37

Me and you then Hoggle coseyGrin

Original poster
Hoggle246 · 17/12/2014 15:38

So still feeling like total shite, rang dh and asked if he could come home early. Impossible, apparently.

So that was nice. Guess who's getting a shit in a box for Christmas this year.

OP posts:
furcoatbigknickers · 17/12/2014 15:43

Thats rubbish op. Ive just messaged dh to say i won't be doing a 20 mile round trip to drop dd3 at activity and he will have to come home early to get her. No reply as yet. Really don't feel up to it.

Original poster
Hoggle246 · 17/12/2014 15:58

Hope dh does it furcoat

OP posts:
furcoatbigknickers · 17/12/2014 16:11

Hes text saying ok. I think he'll be hacked off. Thing is, shes missed hobby for 3 weeks, cos of illness. He wouldn't be worried if it was any ither hobby but hes quite invested in this.

Aherdofmims · 17/12/2014 16:12

Can I come to the commune? Have always fancied it.

furcoatbigknickers · 17/12/2014 16:22

More the merrier aherd

Original poster
Hoggle246 · 17/12/2014 16:32

[makes room for aherd]

OP posts:
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