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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

feel absolutely gutted about this will it get better?

40 replies

traceybaybee · 16/12/2014 21:11

The father of my baby has came round to the fact that im having our baby in a way. He has told me to look after wee one and keep them safe which i will do my utmost to do. What is gutting is that he is planning on moving to australia soon and he wont see the wee one grow up or be able to see his other 2 boys as readily as he does. My biggest fear is how will i cope being a single mum to our child and if he doesnt come back at all what do i tell child when they are older? The thought honestly terrifies me :(

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Purplepoodle · 16/12/2014 23:35

Unfortunately I would just move on and practically/emotionally not plan for him to be around. Put yourself and the baby first - let him get on with what he's doing and don't chase him, you can't change his mind just look after yourself

anothernumberone · 16/12/2014 23:41

If he was a great dad he wouldn't be going to Australia and leaving his kids in the UK

I agree with this I think you need to question what about him makes you think he is a good dad. Moving across the world and leaving them behind is not something most good fathers would consider

traceybaybee · 16/12/2014 23:54

I know that if i were in his shoes i wouldnt move so far away. He has told me "not to haunt him with the kid and that its better not knowing me". I need to man up as it were and accept hes not going to be what i want him to be for our child but its proving really hard to do, maybe im just too soft? :(

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Lj8893 · 16/12/2014 23:57

I agree with the others, moving to the other side of the world and leaving your children behind does not constitute a good dad.

its very good your have a good support network, i would plan yours and your child's life without him as by the sounds of it even if he does stick around, i don't think he is going to be particularly reliable.

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 17/12/2014 00:03

OP he is moving because he doesnt want to be bothered being a parent. He knows moving that far is the only way he wont be roped into having to do any parenting. He is a scumbag. Personally? I'd stop contact with him now and never expect anything from him again other than financial support for the baby. I certainly wouldnt be chasing him for any chance of him changing his mind. He has made his decision. He is a knob. You focus on being the best parent you can be for your child. He may come crawling back one day with his tail between his legs but he will have some serious groundwork to do before he can be a father of any description. He is pathetic and you'll get nothing from him so i would get used to the idea.

MidniteScribbler · 17/12/2014 00:05

LOL it's going to cost more than 2K to bring the dog over!

LottaMarten · 17/12/2014 00:11

My DH left me with DD's aged 6 and 2.5 and moved 4000 miles away. When I write this, three years on, it seems as unbelievable that he could do such a thing today as it did then. He comes back two or three times a year.

I know you will be ok OP. I have never known anything make me so strong. It is hard to believe now but really you will be alright. Ask for help. People will give it. You don't need this man.

traceybaybee · 17/12/2014 00:11

I wont ever stop him seeing his child as thats not fair but like you say it will take a lot of work if it happens.

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traceybaybee · 17/12/2014 00:13

Your posts have really cheered me up so thank you very much Smile. Curious now as to how much it actually does cost to ship a dog to australia... haha

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sillymillyb · 17/12/2014 00:18

My ex left for another country (well, Ireland!) when I was pregnant. He convinced himself it wasn't happening, then we had crocodile tears and promises he would be there for me too.

To get through it I think you need to psychologically discount him. If he goes or stays around won't affect that you are the main (if not only) carer, so be practical and put things in place about how you will cope on your own with a baby. Can you manage financially?

Emotionally, my son is now 2.8, he sees his dad every 6 weeks ish, he never asks about him or lack of him - it's just his norm. I suspect it might change at school when he sees other family set ups, but your child will prob be the same. It's just their normal life, so don't worry about trying to explain things until much further down the line.

I try very hard to focus on the positives - I want my son to have great self esteem, so to try and counter any feelings later down the line of why doesn't my daddy bother with me, I tell him a lot how special he is, how much I wanted him, how lucky I and others are to have him in our life. Sorry if that sounds wanky, but if it helps I thought it was worth saying it.

Good luck, and congratulations on your pregnancy Thanks

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 17/12/2014 00:20

I wont ever stop him seeing his child as thats not fair but like you say it will take a lot of work if it happens.

No i didnt mean stop him seeing the baby. I meant you stop doing all the running and trying to get him involved. I would stop contacting him. The baby isnt born yet so he has no need to be upsetting you with his plans. You can text him to let him know when the baby is born and it is up to him from that point onwards. It will be telling how involved he gets when you arent the one forcing it. Seriously you just get on with living your life and if he wants to be a father, and i mean really wants it rather than just talking the talk then he will be. We all make choices and he has exactly the same opportunity as you do to be as much of a parent as you will be. It is up to him and no-one else how much of a father he is.

sillymillyb · 17/12/2014 00:24

Ps I found this with 2006 costs to bring a dog to oz.... I was curious too Grin

traceybaybee · 17/12/2014 00:28

I told him when my 20wk scan was and my due date and he not 10mins after me telling him told the guy he would be going june/july (im due june 9th). Thought my thats awful nice of you!

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mrsfuzzy · 17/12/2014 01:34

sounds a right pratt, what a waste of space, it's a pity you are having a child with such a waster. good luck as a single mum though, i'm sure you'll be fine when the time comes, been there done that, with four young children, it's not easy but you get there in the end.

traceybaybee · 17/12/2014 01:44

Thank you, all i can do is do my best for wee one and let them know that i love them very much indeed

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