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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is being a bit out of order regarding his son and ex wife?

40 replies

9o700 · 16/12/2014 19:38

His eldest son has said he wants a playstation 4 for christmas. He already has a PS3. His mum has said she doesn't think he should get one as the games are too expensive and he's best off sticking with the ps3 he already has.

DP has now taken it upon himself to say that dss should definitely get a ps4 and if she can't get him one, he should give his christmas money to dp so he can go and get him one. He even stood on the doorstep debating this with his ex saying if she gives him the money he'll go and buy the son one. This led to her saying defensively "no I'll get him one!" But she obviously totally backed into a corner with this and I feel it's a bit unfair. I have told DP he should leave it alone and let her sort her own christmas presents out, he disagrees and says he's doing the best thing by his son but isn't that like saying his mother isn't??

I don't know why, I just feel a bit angry about it. One of the reasons she divorced him was that he was controlling with the kids.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 16/12/2014 20:01

I would be inclined to tell the ex wife to tell him to piss off. And then ltb.

These children are sixteen and twenty and he is still talking about "my weekend" what a twat. What redeeming features does this individual have?

OldIrving · 16/12/2014 20:01

My BIL has special needs, there is an element of some members of the family wanting him to have whatever he wants out of pity or guilt, I do understand that although it drives me mental as it reinforces his unrealistic expectations.

But blaming the mother, expecting her to pay towards a present your DP will claim credit for? That's so twisted I can't even begin.

if there isn't the money, it is kinder to teach your DP's son to manage his expectations. Believe me. My BIL is nearing 40 and the 'he should get what he wants, poor thing' attitude has only caused more, and permanent, misery for all concerned.

Boomtownsurprise · 16/12/2014 23:39

Op how integrated with DP are you? Joint acc level? Is DPs £ actually your money together....? You could be funding this behaviour for years.... And not just over ps4 levels

CupidStuntSurvivor · 17/12/2014 00:08

You seem to know how controlling your partner is. Especially if he just flies off the handle when you try to point it out. Huge red flag. Any redeeming qualities?

MistressDeeCee · 17/12/2014 01:42

Oh God no..not yet another man who is no longer with ex-wife, DCs are well on their way to growing up and he talks about them 24/7/obsesses about what ex wife is & isn't doing for/with them..because of course he knows better than her and theyd be SO much better off with him, wouldn't they?

As if the DCs would really want him around all the time..like most in that situation they're probably perfectly happy with their DM, and their lives. He's just annoyed as he no longer has any control. His ex wife must have the patience of a saint, in her shoes I wouldn't want him on my doorstep. The man can't let go.

If anything you're going to be eventually bored shitless by him going on and on OP..and hopefully do the right thing and leave him, he has Red Flag draped all over him. Can't be very nice for you having to listen to him either, he needs to recall you're not his armchair psychologist and actually, he should be paying more attention to your relationship than he is.

Original poster
9o700 · 17/12/2014 06:03

His son is more than capable of getting into the car himself, he has a learning disability which basically gives him the mental age of a 9 year old although he can be very mature. Put it this way, DP didn't seem to mind him wandering off at a festival earlier in the year or walking off warmed with a camera on our recent camping trip. Seems he can treat the lad as a mature teen when it suits.

But no, he has to go to the door but pick him up.

And yes he does go on about them 24/7. The recent thing is that he wants to throw a party for his eldest's birthday. One - his eldest probably won't want to be here on his bloody birthday and 2 - we did jack shit for my kids birthday, why make a fuss of the eldest, the one least likely to want it?? He's nuts.

His ex can be just as odd though, telling him that the kids/adults?? Have to be home by 5 as they have college the next day. Ffs at 20 I'd been living independently for years. They baby the eldest and then wonder why he's so immature.

OP posts:
GilbertBlytheWouldGiftIt · 17/12/2014 06:16

This guy again?

Dump him, why bother? You post about him all the time and frankly he sounds like a prize ninny. But I doubt you'll read or respond to this as you don't seem to read the replies.

financialwizard · 17/12/2014 06:20

I expect the ex just wants some control over the time that your DP spends with them tbh with regard to the 5pm curfew.

My exh was exactly the same as your DP is with his ex. Took him 10 years to concentrate on something else. Funnily enough it came about the time his eldest had a baby and the Dad was doing what he had been doing for years.

lunar1 · 17/12/2014 06:29

How old are your children? I wouldn't want mine to live with him!

MorelliOrRanger · 17/12/2014 07:39

The 20 year old can choose as he's an adult.

Your 'd'p sounds like a knob.

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2014 08:08

To repeat the previous question you appear to have missed:

Why are you with him?

loveareadingthanks · 17/12/2014 08:29

He is being a knob but ex wife should have stood her ground and said no, not got into a competitive thing.

Me and ex used to sometimes buy a combined present when it was something expensive like a games console, but we both agreed, and child knew it was a joint present from both of us. This only happened a couple of times, and when he was younger, not for a 16 year old!

Just because a kid wants something, doesn't mean the parents have to get it if they can't afford it.

(We also agreed a spending limit for our presents after the first year after we split ended up getting a wee bit competitive, we hadn't meant to get like that, and we decided to nip it in the bud in a practical way. It's really not at all good for the kids if that happens)

ohtheholidays · 17/12/2014 08:35

He's being a knob.My ex husband was like this and he's a shit dad our two oldest DS hardly ever bother seeing him.My oldest DS18 has said he doesn't see him as a Dad more as a novelty uncle.He calls my husband Dad,they all do.

Your DH obviously still has some feelings mixed up with his ex.My ex husband was very controlling and he couldn't stand the fact that I got away and was happy, so for years after he continued to try and have control of my life.

stinkingbishop · 17/12/2014 08:37

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”
? Maya Angelou

MistressDeeCee · 21/12/2014 02:07

His ex can be just as odd though, telling him that the kids/adults?? Have to be home by 5

They probably got mum to say that as a get-out clause for them..and no wonder

She's not the odd one here.

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