To not go back to court tomorrow.

[Scoopmuckdizzy]

My cousin was killed in a road traffic accident at the beginning of last year. Today was the first day of the trial and I went along to support my aunt and my mum. I was there as 'the strong one' as my mum put it to the family liaison officer, it's true that I don't cry much in public but some of the evidence that was given today was so graphic and made it all seem so much more real and it did get to me at times.

I think for the past 22 months I have been able to push it all out of my mind and almost not accept that he's not here anymore but hearing his full name as the victim in the case today and the exact details of what happened according to those who witnessed the accident made it difficult not to get upset. I did hold myself together and was able to comfort my aunt and remind her that the defence barrister is just doing his job but I now I feel totally drained and I can't face going back there again tomorrow when his injuries will be described in even more detail. I just don't think I'm cut out for the job. I've spoken to my mum about missing tomorrow and my stepdad is going to try and make it there instead but I feel I'm letting them all down.

I'll go back on Wednesday. I wasn't sure what to expect but it was so much harder than I ever imagined. Am I being awful? Please tell me truthfully, I keep thinking I should just go.

You aren't letting them down. If your stepdad can go then that is great.

It is really hard to listen to details like this in court. Or you could go and tell your Mum, aunt and the FLO that you want to wait outside the courtroom but will be there to hold hands if they want to come out.

What an awful situation, you poor thing. It must be very difficult for everyone. I don't think sharing the load of being the 'supporter' is a bad idea at all if your stepdad is happy to go. It must be very harrowing for you and very difficult if you don't feel you can express how you feel.

No, you're not being awful. I can't imagine how hard it must be to hear the details of how a loved one died like that. I know your mum means calling you 'the strong one' as a compliment but it's a lot of pressure to put on you.

Have a break tomorrow .

I'm so sorry

It's not unreasonable at all not to put yourself in a situation when you know you're feeling you can't handle it. Aherdof has a great suggestion.

It affects different people in different ways. If you can't face the second day, then don't. You'll be doing nobody any favours if you go and break down in the courtroom.

dont go if it will upset you. nothing to do with not being the strong one at all. let someone else take the turn

Thank you. I'm not there today so using it to take stock and pull myself together before tomorrow.