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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to make others suffer for my sons behavior!

50 replies

sweetsomethings · 15/12/2014 20:37

My 5 year old DS was supposed to be having a big Xmas party on Saturday with some of his classmates at our house. His behavior has been terrible the last few weeks. I said to him last week if you don't improve im going to cancel your party. His reply was "see if i care " . Now i don't want to let down his friends who are all looking forward to the party. But i cant really let it go as an empty threat as he wont have learned anything.

OP posts:

Nerf · 15/12/2014 22:22

I'm not sure about all the pp saying the other parents will thank you. If you did that to my child (cancelled a party to make a point to your own) I would be silently livid and drop you. Sorry.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 15/12/2014 22:37

As a parent I would have already got a gift and card last weekend.

I would have also made plans with my other child and rearrange my weekend.

He is 5 the same age as dd, I don't believe in stretching out punishment. The same steps are taken no matter what month it is.

I would do the party.

TeacupDrama · 15/12/2014 23:21

I would have organised a present for your DS and my DD would have been longing forward to party she would definitely not forget in a few days, she may in a few months, I would be very annoyed with you for disappointing DD with no party she is 5 too and as weekend before Christmas would have arranged other stuff around party time. Being realistic you have to have party

He has 4 days to go to bed properly eat his dinner, extra tidying or whatever you decide though that still leaves dilemma if he refuses

QTPie · 15/12/2014 23:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Italiangreyhound · 16/12/2014 00:06

sweetsomethings sorry things are tough but great you said I'm just going to have to sit him down and say i should never had said he couldn't have his party.That even adults can say silly things they don't mean.

That is exactly what I would do.

You are right to work out you do not have to see this through and you can give him his party. You can engage in a conversation with him about his behaviour and work out what is going on and why he is being so difficult.

Behaviour is sometimes/often/always - * (delete as you like) communication.

If he is not bothered about the party could he be unhappy at school? Maybe he is being bullied or fallen out with is mates? Or just hyped up about Christmas, as others have said.

He is only 5, if this expression is new (see if I care or whatever) maybe he is trying to communicate with you that things are not well.

As adults if we say something we regret we do not feel the need to follow through especially if the original thing said was unfair or silly or whatever? We say, I was a bit hasty there lets work it out.

Agree with makapakasdirtysponge that How to talk so children will listen and listen so children will talk' is a brilliant book.

Good luck.

Italiangreyhound · 16/12/2014 00:07

And holding the party but now allowing him to come to his own party! Or telling his whole class it is cancelled and why? I think those are a sure fire way to build some resentments early on!

Only1scoop · 16/12/2014 00:08

Cancel in plenty of notice.

Other parent may host for the other guests.

ladymariner · 16/12/2014 00:16

Well I think cancelling the party is just mean. He's 5, it's the end of term, he's tired and it's nearly Christmas! I'm no way excusing the bad behaviour, and I think you need to address that, but cancelling is way too harsh, especially as you have said yourself he's normally such a good and polite little boy.

differentnameforthis · 16/12/2014 01:05

I think disappointing a group of children to make your point to your child is not the best plan at all.

They will be sad that the party they have looked forward to is now not going ahead & the parents, having spent out of a toy this close to Christmas, won't be thanking you & certainly won't be impressed, as one pp said! I'd be livid that I had spent out on a gift AND had to cope with my disappointed child too.

Cancelling fro unseeable events, fine. Cancelling to 'discipline' your child - not so much.

Far easier to sit with your child & explain that you were hasty etc.

Italiangreyhound · 16/12/2014 08:52

I think the OP has already said she is not going to cancel the party, which I think is totally the right choice.

If the party were to be cancelled it would not just be about disappointing a load of class mates or pissing off a few other mums and dads, it would be about causing a very massive, and embarrassing, upset to the OP's own little boy, one which he almost certainly would not understand or relate to behaviour.

Italiangreyhound · 16/12/2014 08:56

Please OP let us know how the party goes and if your little boy responds to a heart to heart about not making rash statements and about him improving his behaviour.

I would also recommend this book The Parenting Puzzle for some great ways to get kids on side for good behaviour.

I speak not as someone who always gets it right! But someone who often gets it wrong and has had massive behaviour issues with my dyslexic dd.

Best of luck.

HellKitty · 16/12/2014 09:04

Erm...don't judge me!!!

I sometimes had to make phone calls to Santa explaining that DC had been naughty this year and I wasn't sure if he deserved any presents. Maybe a pretend 'phone call' in his presence to the place you're having the party might help? Then it's not cancelled but he thinks it still might be if he doesn't behave.

Fwiw my lot are teens now and relatively normal

Italiangreyhound · 16/12/2014 09:17

But he has already proved he cannot make the link between the party being cancelled and his behaviour at the moment. So if the OP wants the party to go ahead she has to just say that is what is happening and make it so (in the words of Star Trek!) IMVHO. If the party going ahead requires some response from her ds and he doe snot make the right response then she could be back at square one feeling she needs to cancel it

The behaviour really (IMHO) needs to be tackled with lots of smaller incentives and smaller 'punishments' which can be easily managed. Sometimes losing a favourite TV programme one day could be just as effective as losing a party, or even getting an extra programme or a game from the charity shop or an extra visit to the park or swimming pool could be the incentive to change behaviour.

HellKitty good to know your kids turned out normal, I am hoping for that too! I have also said Santa only visits good children, but that's a vague 'threat' and to be honest I would never stop a Santa gift from a child. But as my 10 year old DD does not believe in Santa any more she knows it is me producing the toy and so the threat is more real!

I guess it is so tough, it is a balancing act, I would always say only threaten what you can fulfil but I am sure I have not always stuck to it! but it is totally right sometimes to back down. It teaches kids we parents are human and make mistakes and it shoes there is no shame in coming to your senses and doing the right thing with good grace.

Italiangreyhound · 16/12/2014 09:18

shows not shoes!

lapetitesiren · 16/12/2014 09:19

There have been threads on here about people being rude by not rsvp ing or turning up for parties. I think it is incredibly rude to cancel a party on a whim and let people down. But if this is what some people think is ok perhaps that explains why some don't put too much importance on invitations they receive.
It's really hard to be good all the time when you are five.

Iggly · 16/12/2014 09:20

He's only 5. I think punitive punishments don't work - as you have seen. My ds is 5 and better responds to positive techniques.

Is he at school? I'm guessing very tired and behaviour is an extra challenge as a result.

Hairtodaygonetomorrow · 16/12/2014 09:24

I would also find it very rude to be cancelled on at the last minute- I have two children who have been to lots and lots of parties, none have ever been cancelled and if I got a text saying 'the party's off, X has been very naughty' I would think the parent at fault, not the child- no-one cancels a 5 year olds party for a little cheekiness and not eating/doing what they are told around Christmas. It would also be massively humiliating for the child in front of the whole class of boys, would you like him to be known as the one whose party got cancelled? That would be a 'big deal' as it really isn't a common thing to do despite some of the tough talk I see on MN.

appleandblackberrycrumble · 16/12/2014 09:42

I would tell him that you have decided that it wouldn't be fair on the other children to cancel his party, but that some of the party is cancelled for him. He will spend x time in his room, during the party. (X being long enough for him to feel he's missed out, but not long enough to be too harsh - depends on your DS and the length of the party.)

You avoid disappointing the other children and your DS is more aware of what he is missing (because he can hear a party he isn't at) than if no party takes place.

You can just tell the guests that "DS will be joining us soon", you don't have to explain to them why he is missing some of the party.

Grown ups are allowed to make mistakes and change their minds - I would say the altering a consequence is fine, and very different to having none at all.

NoLongerJustAShopGirl · 16/12/2014 09:58

I would still hold the party, but next time state punishments that you will go through on..

Please don't do the "earn it back" thing - my sister does this and her kids know she is a pushover... repeatedly...

bubalou · 16/12/2014 10:49

Agree with what people have said.

I never threaten DS who's 6 with any punishment that I won't follow through on.

DS has known the word 'consequences since he was 3'.

If he behaves badly he gets consequences. No iPad for a set time, not allowed to friends house, no sweets etc.

Good luck. Kids are SUCH hard work!!!!

WhereIsMyHat · 16/12/2014 10:54

He is 5, he has had a busy term at achool and I'm assuming some kind of nativity/ show to prepare for?!? An imminent birthday and Christmas and all the fuss that goes with that.

I personally wouldn't cancel the party given his age and circumstances especially if his behaviour is usually pretty good.

Italiangreyhound · 22/12/2014 21:10

How did the party go?

diddl · 22/12/2014 21:16

"see if i care"

Bloody hell!

what a shame that you couldn't uninvite just him!

how did it go?

PortofinoVino · 22/12/2014 21:26

I'm not sure about all the pp saying the other parents will thank you. If you did that to my child (cancelled a party to make a point to your own) I would be silently livid and drop you. Sorry.

And I'd be just the opposite. I would praise and admire you for sticking to your guns.

JennyBlueWren · 22/12/2014 21:38

My parents once threatened to send me to bed on my birthday (I think I was 7) and that I would miss my party but all my friends (and my brothers) would still get to enjoy it.
I behaved. I know they would have gone through with it too.

Could you have the party without him?

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