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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to do something about this irresponsible friend...

47 replies

WaroftheRoses · 14/12/2014 23:41

We are friends with a lovely couple, a few years older than us, live in our village. We live in a rural area, with most local village pubs closed down. Our friends have a great social life-he is a local man and they seem to know everyone!

The problem is he drinks and drives. And drinks a lot and drives. He scoffs at anyone who thinks there is anything wrong with it. Their favourite pub is in a village 16 miles away which he/they go to a few times a week. I was under the impression that she drives if he is drinking, but it appears he regularly drives home and if she drives she has had a few too.

Today we were at a daytime Christmas house thing. I was driving so drank nothing. My DH had a skinful, as did both of our friends and others there! We were amongst the last to leave with me as driver, taking home us, friends and one other-all agreed in front of host. When we got to the cars he got his keys out and the three of them headed to their car. I protested that I was driving, he'd been drinking etc but he was insisting he was fine, hadn't been drinking and was driving home. My DH-seeing a fight brewing in me told me to leave it and they headed off. DH was saying why would they do that it's ridiculous etc yet didn't back me up.

AIBU to not have done more? Next step was likely to be wrestling the keys from the guy as talking wasn't going anywhere. I don't want to fall out with them but this is a major no no for me-as surely it is for any sane person?! And why would people willingly get in a car with him at the wheel? The fact that we live in the sticks makes no difference AFAIAC-there are still other people on the road. Today wasn't the first incident-they live on the edge of the village and do drive to village things a lot (easily walkable distances as well but that is a whole other issue) and it has become apparent that when we think she isn't drinking and so is driving, he in fact drives...

WIBU to report him? Losing his licence would affect their business. I also can't guarantee I'll always know when he is driving so not sure how to go about reporting him-we're not the kind of place where a police car could quickly appear. He won't sit and discuss anything sensibly, he is the kind of guy who has his opinions and they are the only ones. I know that sounds like he isn't a nice person but he is.....hard to explain in a quick post.

WWYD? And how?

OP posts:

WhaddayWant · 15/12/2014 00:38

Well done OP. You are doing the right thing by reporting him.

It's oneof those situations where you don't really have a choice. Don't feel bad about it.

Original poster

WaroftheRoses · 15/12/2014 00:39

Unfortunately local police station is also rarely open-think any police locally come from a distance away. Makes it a lot harder to report and also to catch someone I would think.

Also as people have said this is quite a common thing in the countryside, it's just this is so close to home and tonight was so damn ridiculous to refuse the lift with me. The more I think about it he put on a big show of leaving with me/us as everyone knew I was sober and was therefore "obviously" taking everyone home.

OP posts:

SomethingOnce · 15/12/2014 01:28

I'm sorry about your sister, Jodie.

Levismum · 15/12/2014 01:50

I was in a similar situation to you but it was a family member & a police officer so very difficult.

He got pissed. Mounted a curb & killed a mother of 3... 20 years later & i still regret not making that call...

SistersOfPercy · 15/12/2014 08:32

My ex neighbor, an alcoholic, was as regular as clockwork to the off licence nightly. He'd be so drunk driving there he'd weave all the way down the street, often bouncing from kerb to kerb.

Now, our street is a cul De sac, albeit about half a mile long with only one possible exit. Considering that and the fact I gave the police an exact time what do you think they did? Nothing. Two months of badgering, two months of watching this bloke pissed out if his tree at 7pm on the dot nightly. They did fuck all.

In final desperation I contacted his adult son and explained he was going to kill someone. To his credit son turned up the next day and took all the keys away. Problem solved.

I kind of lost faith in our community police after that.

DPovermyshoulder · 15/12/2014 09:08

DP is a police officer in a rural area with a list of about twenty drink drivers he's currently after. Unfortunately it's just him and there's lots of other stuff to do, but on slow nights he tends to lurk around the pubs looking for particular people he's been told about. Mind you he does have a 'thing' about drink drivers which I assume not all police do.

He says if your local post isn't open with someone to talk to, call 101, but would be better to talk to local officer. Give name and address of your friend, and full details of car and reg, details of the pub and rough times they come back if you know. In addition, any time you actually know he is about to drink drive, call 999 and give details of the car and route. Make it clear he is dangerously over the limit. Otherwise it could take months for anything to happen as it will just depend on when an officer is free to sit doing nothing near the pub on the off-chance. You can ask that they don't say it's been called in so it looks random.

They will be interested, just due to resourcing unless you can give very specific info and call 999 at the time it may take ages for them to get it sorted.

DPovermyshoulder · 15/12/2014 09:10

Ooh he also says now is a v good time to report as December most forces run a drink driving campaign with lots of extra resources allocated.

Hatespiders · 15/12/2014 09:19

Jodie, how awful. So sorry.

Yes, op you must report him. This sort of thing makes me fume. If he wants to kill himself by crashing into a tree or something, that's his lookout. But it probably wouldn't happen like that. He'd kill/maim someone (as poor Jodie above can testify) and it's unforgivable. He sounds like a total twat. Please give his number to the Police and if possible alert them beforehand as to which pub he's going to be boozing at, so they can be waiting nearby and nab him. Losing his business would merely be the consequence of his own decision to ignore the Law and put people's lives at risk. I get so angry about this.

GoodKingQuintless · 15/12/2014 09:24

Dont bother talking to them about it, just report it. You dont want the village to turn against you if he is caught, whether you reported it or not, just because you have made your opinions clear.

Trazzletoes · 15/12/2014 09:29

Jodie xxx

Please do something. My DFIL was also killed by a drunk driver in a hit and run. It was just over 14 years ago that it happened. My DCs don't have a wonderful DGF as a result. My DH has never been the same.
Drinking and driving is just plain unacceptable.

cardamomginger · 15/12/2014 09:29

Don't discuss it with them any further. Report them. Maybe call 101 and both report and ask for advice, ie do they want a call when you are next at the pub and they are going to drive drunk and do they want you to call 999 or 101.

spiderlight · 15/12/2014 09:30

I have a friend who lost her twin brother, her fiance and her seven-year-old son in three separate accidents all caused by drunk drivers. I would report him without a second thought.

Trazzletoes · 15/12/2014 09:32

If there are likely to be a lot of drunk drivers at the pub, the Police may (I've heard of it happening) put a car v close by and just stop everyone who comes out of the pub and gets behind the wheel.

whothehellknows · 15/12/2014 09:42

I wish pub landlords were empowered to remove keys from patrons on entry and only return them following a clear breathalyzer test. I know it wouldn't stop all of the incidents, but I feel that if a barman is serving someone who plans to drive home then they should have more power to stop it.

TalesOfTheCity · 15/12/2014 10:48

Report him. People like him could kill any of us and our families. Boohoo if his behaviour has the consequence of hurting his business.

ChickenMe · 15/12/2014 10:49

So sorry about your sister Jodie.

I agree, don't say anything to him as people will blame you rather than him when he gets done. But do report it. What an arsehole. Drunk drivers deserve to be pariahs rather than people thinking it's all a big laugh.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 15/12/2014 11:36

Oh god Spider, that is awful

Sorry to all of you who have lost someone to drunken idiots

Theonlyoneiknow · 15/12/2014 11:43

This is a really good video about drunk driving, see if you can get him to watch it. The limit in Scotland has just been reduced so even half a pint will put you over the limit. They are cracking down heavily. It's not just that night too but many people drinking the next day, totally unaware that they are still way over the limit.

www.thisblewmymind.com/the-most-powerful-drunk-driving-ad-ever/#HiDq5cOZUrQAd783.01

OfaFrenchMind · 15/12/2014 11:47

I hate this reporting thing you have in the UK, but I hate even more Drink drivers, moreover repeated drink drivers. They are potential murderers and do not give a sh*t. YANBU, report them.

magicstar1 · 15/12/2014 12:02

I'd report him too. My best friend stopped talking to me for 6 months because we were at a christening and he'd been drinking all day. At 2am he got his keys out to go home, and I promised him that if he tried to get in the car I'd ring the police. Unfortunately I was seen as the person causing trouble by everyone else, but I stuck to it, and I'd do it again.

Original poster

WaroftheRoses · 15/12/2014 12:08

Thanks DPover, that gives me more idea about how the situation works around here. As I said it is hard to know when he is out as if we were at the pub 16 miles away with them myself or my DH would be driving-I would never trust them to say they would drive and not drink now.

for everyone affected by DD.

OP posts:

Hatespiders · 15/12/2014 13:48

TheonlyoneIknow, that video was superb. Extremely disturbing and graphic. People who have just passed their driving test should be made to watch it.
As well as the terrible accident sequences, it shows the aftermath. The grief of relatives, the disabilities of surviving victims, the suffering of all involved, even the professional emergency services. Imagine having to go to a house and break the news to a victim's family... I honestly don't think I could do it.

I often wonder if landlords could have more responsibility handed to them to prevent people getting behind a wheel if drunk? I suppose it isn't practicable.

My dh and I avoid going on the roads in the evenings after closing time. We prefer to stay in. Everyone seems to go bonkers at this time of year with alcohol.

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