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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to keep DS away from DB's wedding?

24 replies

inthenickoftime · 14/12/2014 13:24

There's a very long back story but basically there have been various family fallouts involving a lot of people. For myself specifically i have been NC with my aunt/uncle for almost 2 years and my gran/grandad for almost a year.

This doesn't affect my life in day to day and I am happy to have then out if ny life. However 2 months ago I went to a family christening where they all attended. They all made a huge effort to make a fuss of every niece/nephew grabdchild except for DS who is almost 3. He was completely blanked even when he was physically climbing over my grandads feet. I was devastated by this because I saw that he will always be treated differently to his cousins. I decided then that he would not be going to any more family parties.

Before this had happened my DB had asked for me to be bridesmaid and DS to be page boy in his wedding in March. I agreed to it at the time although did say I had reservations about how DS would be treated by family.

So fast forward to now. I have been thinking about it for 2 months I have told DB that DS will not be attending the wedding. Now he and SIL to be have told me that I am completely out of order and that I should just teach DS that he shouldn't go near them and to stay away.

He has a daughter too who is almost 2 and I know if she had been treated the same way as DS then there would have been WW3. Ive put my foot down and told him that I will not be changing my mind. But now I am starting to feel guilty that DS will be missing parties and special occasions because adults cant see past theyre own arguments and treat him like a child and now a leper.

They haven't chosen any suits yet and ive offered to pay for his meal if they lose money because of it. So they will not be out of pocket because of my decision.

So after all of that....should I stick with my decision and possibly fall out with even more family or should I give in and hope that he is too young to realise that he is being treated differently to his cousin?

OP posts:

Hatespiders · 14/12/2014 14:19

This is awful. YANBU. I'd refuse any more contact with this weird (sorry but they are) family. To ignore a little boy and treat him as a'leper' is evil. I bet they've only asked him to be a pageboy because he's the same age as his cousin and the two of them would look sweet together in their outfits.
Families are lovely if they function well and everyone feels loved and equally valued. This is clearly not the case here. I'd go nc with the lot of them and let them get on with it.

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/12/2014 14:21

How does your DB normally treat your DS, if he ignores him I wouldn't go. If on the other hand he treats him with respect and love I would go and then go NC with the other members of the family after the wedding.

wheresthelight · 14/12/2014 14:49

I agree with boney if your db treats your son well then I think you should let him go to the wedding. it's not your dbs fault and you are kind of punishing him and ds for other family members behaviour.

I would just keep ds away from the arseholes and trying enjoy the day. and I do know how hard that is as I have family that I am nc with and have to regularly attend events where they have to be. luckily they ignore dd and my dsc's completely as well as all other children so it's not too bad but I would go astral if they singled out dd and dsc's as not worthy whilst still chatting to other family kids

RandomMess · 14/12/2014 14:54

Does DS actually really know who these people are? Surely they are just strangers to him so he won't be bothered?

Original poster

inthenickoftime · 14/12/2014 15:04

Honestly DB and I aren't very close. Although we live around the corner from each other we only see each other when we are both in the local once in a blue moon or when he wants me to babysit DN.

DB agreed that the way DS was treated was awful but refused to tell anyone that they were in the wrong. Although i have been confronted by other people in the family for ignoring my grandparents and how awful i am, and they refused to acknowledge that they blanked DS. I feel like DB doesn't really understand how it feels because he is golden chid of the family.

I know that I should just go and pretend everything is fine and just ignore them but I just cant. At the last family occasion where DS was ignored he had approached my aunt who was holding my DN at the time and said hello to everyone since he has been brought up to be polite. She turned her head and walked away....really what kind of person does that?!

OP posts:

LadyLuck10 · 14/12/2014 15:16

You are no contact with them and your DS is a stranger to them, why do you expect them to treat him like the other kids who they are close to. Yes he is still their relative but really just a child they don't feel any connection with. It's about your Db and his wedding, you can get your DH to keep him away from them.

Original poster

inthenickoftime · 14/12/2014 15:20

Even if he was any other child they had no connection to then they should say hello back to him or at least acknowledge him when hes crawling over them with the rest of the toddlers. I'm not asking for them to welcome him with open arms, just to treat him like any other child.

OP posts:

quirkychick · 14/12/2014 15:33

You poor thing. We have a similar dilemma in that it is mil's significant birthday early next year. We have a family member who we are nc with and who will probably ignore dc. I am hoping that there will be enough other people there to dilute it. I'm not sure what the answer is. I share your pain.

Original poster

inthenickoftime · 14/12/2014 18:43

The thing is if i take him to the wedding now then when it comes to other family occasions people will say well you took DS to the wedding so you should take him to this. He will be old enough to realise he is being ignored soon

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 14/12/2014 19:21

I think your brothers wedding is a big enough deal to make an exception. Future things can be dealt with case by case.

I think there will be enough other people there to dilute the behaviour of the few.

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2014 19:40

Why are you in contact with the family?

As you have little to do with your brother, why has he asked you and your son to be in the wedding party?

Original poster

inthenickoftime · 14/12/2014 19:51

I didn't say we have little to do with each other. We just don't see each other often. The same as when i was engaged briefly he was asked to be part of my wedding party. He is still my brother.

I'm not in touch with any of my family that I am NC with - which is the point. Its going to an awkward enough day without having to worry about where DS is every second and who hes talking to.

OP posts:

CrapBag · 14/12/2014 21:33

I think for a wedding that your DB wants your DS to be part of I may suck it up and take him. Is your DH/P going? Can he keep an eye on where DS is and who he is near?

Their behaviour is appalling. Would your DB speak to them before and tell them to behave in a civil manner for one day?

After that I wouldn't take your DS to any other family parties but this wedding I would and if he asked tell him "oh that's x" name not aunt/gp so he learns that they aren't anything to do with him.

MaryWestmacott · 14/12/2014 21:43

Do you have a DH/P who can be incharge of DS so you don't have to worry?

I would agree your DB's wedding is a big enough occasion to take DS, but then not to any future ones.

MaryWestmacott · 14/12/2014 21:47

oh and Crapbag's advice is good, just give DS a name of the relative, there's going to be a room full of SIL's relatives, DB and SIL's friends, so lots of people who DS doesn't know and will never see again. I assume there's going to be children from SIL's side of the family who will be given more attention than your DS and your family children by SIL's family, so it won't be as strange.

Do you have anyone like your PIL who could come and collect DS after the wedding ceremony and photos, but before the main drinks/meal where DS is likely to have much contact with them? Then he's done his pageboy duties, you've not 'kept him away' but he's not had much to do with them all.

Original poster

inthenickoftime · 14/12/2014 21:58

I think i may have to suck it up and just agree. They only want him for the pics anyway so will get exP to collect after pics/before meal.

It's going to be more obvious about the difference in the way hes treated because him and DN will be the only toddlers there under 7.and the other children will be on SILs side. I have my dads aide of the family for support though and will make a conscious effort to steer DS to them instead. BF is invited too but by then se will only have been together 7 months so not happy leaving him in charge of DS at a family do. Will definitely ask him for help though.

Thanks all for helping me see sense. Its just so hard to see him rejected :(

OP posts:

MsAspreyDiamonds · 14/12/2014 21:58

Can you take your ds to the ceremony so that he is part of the wedding party & then arrange a babysitter for the reception part. He will be present for the important part & photos but then out of reach so nobody can be nasty to him during the party. Your nc family will have minimun opprtunity to cause problems during the wedding service so your ds would be safe. Anyway, the reception with the long speeches will be boring & no fun for a toddler to sit through.

Nanny0gg · 15/12/2014 00:31

I didn't say we have little to do with each other. We just don't see each other often.

Sorry. When I read: Honestly DB and I aren't very close. Although we live around the corner from each other we only see each other when we are both in the local once in a blue moon or when he wants me to babysit DN.
It read to me that really, you aren't close so I didn't see why he wanted your DS in the wedding party.

If I had the worries you have with the way he's treated, neither of us would be going.

sykadelic · 15/12/2014 02:30

Stop thinking of him being rejected, it impels being accepted by them is something you'd want.

Imagine they're people at the wedding/event that you don't know, or extended family you're not close to. You would naturally steer your child to people you DO know and he will gravitate to people that are nice to him. I doubt he'll ask why they're mean to him but my standard answer would be "they're not being mean to you honey, just not all people are really friendly. Lets go play with..."

Girl I know is NC with her father, calls her SDad, Dad. Her twin sister is still in contact with Bio Dad and none of the 4 kids of the girl I know think anything of it because she doesn't make a deal of it.

So my advice... don't make a big deal out of it at all. Just blank them, they are nothing, people you don't know. If you show them you care they'll play on that.

sykadelic · 15/12/2014 02:32

*impels = implies ... don't know what happened there!

Darkandstormynight · 15/12/2014 03:21

I'd make an exception for the wedding since you already accepted to do it. I'd go to the reception, leave early claiming feeling ill and Then distance yourself from your family.

Mrsstarlord · 15/12/2014 04:18

Have to say that I agree with Lady Luck. I'd never feel that people should treat my kids the same as kids from their own family of they don't know them, which if you are NC is exactly what you are doing.
Conflict is clearly rife here but your reaction feels quite over dramatic and is affecting your brothers wedding. You have decided that db's motives for asking ds to be page boy are selfish and are changing your mind a lot about whether you will let him be a pageboy - if I was your db of be saying no thanks actually, I can't rely on you.

AlwaysLurking38 · 15/12/2014 07:53

I wouldn't go if I were you OP. What's the point? Your just going to feel uncomfortable and worry about your little boy. I'd take him out for the day and do something nice together. I wouldn't suffer fools for the sake of a few pictures.

MaryWestmacott · 15/12/2014 14:04

I think you should have your BF there as a date for moral support, but get your ExP to collect DS after the photos. There won't be much chance for him to see your DNs being treated differently because as part of the wedding party, he won't be 'mingling' before the wedding with the family as he'll be with the bridal party, then as part of the bridal party, he'll be separte for the photos, if he's collected then, he'll not be part of the reception long enough to see.

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