am i just being a brat?

[IloveOreossx]

Me and dp have spent no time together this week. Mon-Thurs he worked 9-3 then he came home and he sat on the ps4 until he went to bed. Then yesterday he had 4 job interviews 130miles away (as we will be relocating at the start of Feb) so we had to go in the car to stoke on Trent, leaving at 8am and not returning until 6pm. I was exhausted so tucked up in bed by 9. We woke up at around 7 this morning and I asked him if he would like to do something today. Maybe go for a walk or do some food shopping or even go for a cheap breakfast somewhere. He said no and he just wanted to spend the day with me. By 9:30 he was on his ps4 again. I just sat and started wrapping my Xmas presents. He then gets a text from bil asking him to go to the cinema to watch the new hobbit film. Dp said he would go and offered me to come with. I don't like bil and I don't like the hobbit so I said no, so I guess its sort of my fault now that I'm alone at home on my Todd again... :( aibu to expect him to maybe watch a film with me? Or just have cuddles on the sofa? I know I may seem like a whinge but I place alot of value on quality time with those I love (doesn't everyone!?) and it seems these days I'm just shoved in a box and forgotten about.

That amount of gaming would piss me right off. My dh loves his playstation but only plays it if I'm having a lie in, early night or am busy doing something else. I think you need to be having an honest conversation about how it makes you feel otherwise the resentment will build up. Presumably if he's on the playstation from 3 until bed midweek he also isn't doing his share of housework/ cooking etc

He's always enjoyed gaming, not a problem as I do too (currently MNetting while playing the new farcry) however not to this extreme. If he's not working he's on the ps4. And to the poster who mentioned it he knows bil and I do not get on.

If I didn't do the housework it probably wouldn't get done tbh. He works, I work. However I'm a mobile professional so I choose my hours and appointments to fit around commitments, so I don't mind if I do most of the housework and such as his work will always be more stressful than mine no matter what way you look it at. What I cant tolerate is how alone and undervalued I'm beginning to feel.

"70% of the time I get nothing from this relationship" that's really sad Ilove.

You need to talk to him tonight and set out exactly why you feel he's treated you really badly today.

BOC. everytime I mention it he just doesn't get it. If I mentioned it now he'd just say "oh well I asked if you'd like to come" as I know what he's like he just doesn't seem to get it :(

what I can't tolerate is how alone and undervalued I'm beginning to feel

I think that this says it all- it's obviously not just a one off, him wanting to spend the day on his play station and not with you- I think it goes much deeper than that? When was the last time you spent quality time together as a couple, doing something nice together?

Right then. Perhaps when he gets home you need to have a chat. Let him know how much time he is spending on it (it sounds like the equivalent of another job?) and suggest that perhaps 2 of those nights in the week and one day at the weekend you do something together, be that watching a film or playing it together. If you enjoy gaming too, there is no reason you can't use that as an excuse to spend some time together

Wrt the cleaning, tell him you know he has a lot on, but you do too, and you'd appreciate a bit of help now and then to take the load off. Me and dh do the cooking and cleaning together, we put on some music and chat while we do it. Dh chops all the veg and gets me stuff from the fridge and I cook, then he does the dishes and I dry and wipe down. It's a partnership and I can see why this is bothering you when you aren't getting any support yourself.

He may well deserve some wind down time after work, but so do you! And that means he needs to realise that you have needs to be met too, but he won't realise unless you spell it out and let him know that you feel sidelined. If he then doesn't care and carries on then it's time to look at whether this is worth it for you.

And please stop bringing him his meals to the couch. You're just encouraging that behaviour and he won't change if you carry on. I always insist that the game is at the very least paused at mealtimes and although we don't always eat at the table, we do eat together and he brings it through from the kitchen himself and takes his dishes back through himself.

Be kind to yourself

I think you should ask MNHQ to get this thread moved to the Relationships board. You'll get lots of advice on there about how to approach all this. Or just start a new thread in there.

You are definitely not a brat, he's making you happy and that's not a nice way to live.

*unhappy

p.s. my exh is exactly like that and I put up with it for years. I know how hard it is to let go! But all this is going to do is breed resentment. Notice I said ex

If it goes on like this, I don't see why you would stay with him. He ignores you for days on end to play games -- really from 3 to bedtime every night??? For one thing, stop making dinner for him, that's ridiculous that he won't even take a break to eat with you.

You seem to be excusing it because he works so hard and is stressed but working 9-3 and then gaming all day doesn't really seem like working that hard.

You can't force him to want to spend time with you but you can tell him you're not happy and then leave if he doesn't change things. I don't know why you would stay and settle for occasional happiness, when you could find someone else who actually wants to be with you.

You're enabling his behaviour. Of course he should realise that he's not contributing or valuing you but on the other hand he's behaving badly because you allow him to.
You need to communicate clearly so that he does 'get' it and stop bringing his meals to him and clearing up his mess.

You need to be clear and tell him what you want and why. "I want you to come off the ps and do xyz. I want to spend proper time..etc". If he ignores or doesn't want to then start worrying. He just sounds a bit daft, if you get on well otherwise your maybe just a bit peeved to be alone on a Saturday night!

My oh is a total gamer head. I'm not. Before we moved in together I made it clear that he couldn't spend hours playing games. That it wasn't fair.

I work shifts so he does get plenty of time to play. BUT if we both off at weekend he'll ask if I mind him playing games. Most of the time I don't. But he always asks if I want TV to watch something

I would point blank refuse to make dinner if he was going to sit and play computer games. We don't sit at a table or anything ourselves, I just think it's not right. But I don't play games like he does do don't understand the addictive nature.

However he's a grown up who needs to realise your not his mum. And he's not living in a bachelor pad. And although I get that he works hard, it sounds like he's on the ps4 for more hours in a day than he's actually at work!!! 9-3 isn't even full time hours.

Long hard think is needed and a frank open discussion about what is bothering you. Not nagging, just raising your concerns.

YANBU good luck

I agree about the meals part. Get that stopped, you are not a waitress.

Locate the fuse box. Switch it off everytime he ignores you. Maybe dropping a drink on it would be helpful especially as it could be said you 'tripped over the stuff he left lying around'.

Repeat as necessary.

Are you going to find yourself with no friends or family close by in February after your relocation?
I'd be really wary of moving away with someone that doesn't seem that interested in me.

70% is way way too much to get nothing out of the relationship. Why on earth are you staying in it?

Because we have 14yrs and a 13yr old(doesn't live with us full time) to our name... Its a bit hard to let 14yrs go over something that should be fixable :(...

Our 13yr old dd is in boarding school, by the way. So is not with us full time. She is home from 20th of Dec till 10th Jan then back in school full time until mid Feb. We are relocating both for work and to be closer to her school (as then we will only be 40 something miles away and able to see her on weekends). She got in via scholarship last year and were very proud of her. Sorry for the rant, just don't want anyone thinking we shipped dd off to foster care or something for a quiet life (people have made that judgement alot). Id say the same as you ladies as this sounds like an 18yr olds relationship not a 30yr olds relationship! Going to my mums now (en route) for a few days for a think (and hopefully to scare the shit out of dp)

He also eats while playing then just leaves the plate on the floor. So no he doesn't come off to eat either.

How rude! You cook for him and he eats while playing a game? Why do people put up with this shit? We sit at a table to eat and talk to each other. Your DP has a serious gaming problem. I couldn't be around someone like him tbh. He'd be finding his PS4 shoved up his arse!

YABVVVVVU to not like the hobbit. Otherwise... does sound like he should spend more time with you, and less with his ps4.

You sound lovely OP. I hope it all works out for you.

And you are not BU for disliking the Hobbit/Snore of the Rings.

I've changed my mind going from your further posts it does sound quite excessive and rude

No man over the age of 18 should be allowed a games console, they turn them into blimming lazy teenagers. My OH is usually 'too busy' to help with the housework but always finds time to play on the fudging Xbox so I took all the games and hid them. He's allowed them back once he cooks dinner instead of me doing it every single night.
YANBU, If you feel a bit neglected just talk to him.