Am I being naive?

[catsharingmychair]

Any thoughts gratefully received!

Two weeks ago my mil/fil came for dinner and chat, chat, chat, my dh says we are redoing our will as it is so old our youngest is in it, but is not named personally. He (rather stupidly) mentions that he'd heard there were all kinds of trusts these days you could consider ..at which point my mil pipes up and says 'yes our solicitor told us to set up a safeguarding trust around the inheritance to stop a daughter in law running off with the children and taking all the money with her'.

I don't know if they've done this and to be honest this is entirely their prerogative. I appreciate that solicitors will suggest his and of course many will choose to adopt this approach.

However I am deeply upset by the connotation that I am untrustworthy and would leave their son - taking their money with me. I can't believe they don't know who I am after 16 years of being married to their son.

I am honestly not (I hope) materialistic - I have no designer anything, no jewellery apart from engagement and wedding ring, no flash car - I work with young people in a low paid job (for which you need a Masters). I am happily married and have only sought to support and love the in laws- I looked after my dh's 96 year old G'ma by doing her shopping and taking her out. I gave up my corporate career (I earned more than him) as one of us had to - or we'd never see the kids as both roles involved travel). I don't understand why I am seen as a financial threat when all I've ever done is help and support them.

What is even more upsetting is that they clearly don't trust me ..ironically by the time they both pass on they'll likely be in their 90's so I'll have been with dh for 36 years and probably helped them just when they need it most (in old age). I think they think I'll be around to help every step of the way as their daughter lives far away (she does have designer shoes, lots of diamonds, executive lifestyle - no kids).

I feel they do not like or trust me - but they are very able to come often to dinner, ask for and accept my help, come to Christmas lunch.

I honestly feel like telling them to do their own Christmas lunch if I'm such a pariah!

Am I being naïve here? Is this the way the world is going?

... having said that, the wording was sexist but I suspect that is the fault of the solicitor.

You could look at it like maybe she only said this because she wasn't thinking personally of you. If she had been, she maybe would have been more circumspect?

I agree with this. Some people have no filter between their brain, and what emerges from their mouth...I am convinced of that.
I don't blame you for being annoyed / upset.

Only you know her though, so from that, you can deduce, was it meant as a dig at you, or just a general comment, albeit a thoughtless one.

I imagine she is repeating what her solicitor said and f she actually thought about it and then realised what she's said she'd be upset. It's natural to make plans like that, it's just unfortunate the way she described it.

So tactless, although I hope that my parents have something similar in their will.

I love my DH very much and have no intention of ever being apart. However you never know what the future holds health-wise and if I am ever not here I'd like to know that my parents' life savings and my children are safeguarded. Loving and trusting DH and the excellent relationship between my parents and him doesn't come into when you are asking 'what ifs', which essentially is what a will is.

However your MIL was totally crass and tactless and I'm not surprised it hit you.

Garlic I was referring to your post reminding the OP she's not entitled to their money .

From my personal point of view I can both be offended/ laugh at the notion of being an economic threat to my own children and feel absolutely certain I would not accept anything from my in laws. It's a possibility! I separate my big ego (sense of pride?) from any thoughts of financial gain .

I was using the word entitled in its correct sense, Karen. Nothing to do with egos and pride.

Rationally, one could only be offended by the PIL's statement if one did expect entitlement to their money (because the conditions of the trust exclude it.)

OP's already replied that she felt offended by the term 'a daughter-in-law' rather than taking exception to the fact of the trust. So she's not conflating money with love - and has accepted that MIL simply repeated the solicitor's words, meaning she felt relaxed enough in OP's company to speak without self-censorship.

Thinking about this has made me wonder if inheritance will one day become obsolete anyways?

Taking my DH's G'ma as an example- the family had to eventually (age 97) to ask G'ma to consider a care home as she needed 24/7 support (just in case she fell again) ..she'd been cared for up to this point by family with some local care support.

She is now really happy in a toasty warm, hotel-like care home with caring staff and company - she sold her house to afford it, as it was £1000 per week. We're told this is actually quite cheap..I believe you have to pay considerably more for anyone who requires specialist Dementia support..?

So the question is ..if your family can't help anymore or you need 24/7 care and you go in say age 89 - and live (as many of us seem to be doing - until you are in your nineties)- then ten years of care could potentially set you (or who-ever else was paying) back £500K!!

Think I'd better start saving.....

I've never claimed to be entirely rational, families are an emotional commitment rather than a financial transaction to me as I've explained; and that family included steps and in laws.

I was rather hurt when a niece told me I wasn't her proper aunty, because in my birth family we didn't make such distinctions. My DH loves my family cos they love him and accept him. They'd have him over if we divorced, I don't doubt! Probably leave him anything he could make use of too tbh. So much easier when all you have to bequeath is the Black and Decker..

Its probably not very healthy to ponder on inheritance in anyway really.

Yes cat, we have no expectations cat and have said as much when this subject has been broached by in laws. It's between them and their solicitors.

Talking about contents of wills is an extremely foolish and bloody rude thing to do. It should be totally private.

My mother did the same when she had her will drawn up. It was important to her that the reasons for her decisions was understood by us. All it did was cause unhappiness and resentment prematurely. She should have spent the ruddy lot or left it to a dogs home, and left us totally out of it. What really happened was that she left two of her daughters without a bequeath and left "their share" to her grand-children instead. I know why she did it but it was painful all the same. n.b. I was the only daughter who didn't have any children, so inherited a pretty modest sum and the guilt was almost unbearable. All that on top of a very painful bereavement. Gah!