Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not buy for sil and her daughter

47 replies

sleepingcub · 12/12/2014 22:52

We have been non contact for the last two years and my partner has never got along with her. She can be very manipulative and uses her daughter as emotional blackmail. In the ten years my partner and I have been together they have never really had that brother/sister relationship.

we have never brought for the daughter except for the first year which was entirely on my behalf

About two years ago things got a bit awkward as mil insisted that we should buy for her at Christmas we firmly told her no and mil stopped talking to us for about 6 months as we are cruel.

I understand that its not fair to take it out on the child but my partner really wants nothing to do with his sister.

Recently his mum has asked if we could buy a present for her as we are the only family she has, which is making me feel bad, but my partner is hellbent on not giving her anything.

OP posts:
magoria · 13/12/2014 09:30

Back your DP and do what he wants.

It is his sister, niece and mother.

If she speaks to you don't say anything other than speak to DP. Everytime.

He has his reasons for being NC respect them.

needaholidaynow · 13/12/2014 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purplepoodle · 13/12/2014 09:55

Could be worse. My mil blatantly buys a gift for our dc and pretends it's from nc sil. Drives dh batty but he bites his tongue as not worth the battle. If it means that much to mil and u like your mil I would buy a small somthing for the child

Nerf · 13/12/2014 10:05

Interesting views here. I'm on the other side. My sister threw a shit fit over my grandfather leaving a ring to me that she'd apparently asked him for, and stopped all contact with me this year just after he died. I was arranging the flowers and in contact with her and she literally just stopped speaking to me and ignored all communication. She has a history of crappy things and jealousy and this is the final straw. There is no way I'm accepting the Christmas presents she has sent via my mum to my children because she is a bloody nutter and if she can't be civil to me she doesn't get Tarrytown my children over.

Nerf · 13/12/2014 10:06

Tarrytown? To win !

ApocalypseThen · 13/12/2014 10:18

If the child lives with the mother in law, she's in a very tricky position. I wouldn't envy her trying to navigate this, especially if the child is asking why she's such an outsider that her cousins don't realise she's related to them.

Original poster
sleepingcub · 13/12/2014 10:44

Sorry I should have clarified that the child does live with her mother but my children only know of her as a child that stays over at the pil house.

Purplepoodle- our pil don't have much to do with our children, probably see them about once a month
One time she offered to take the children out. She picked ours up and then went back to pick up sil and daughter without telling us. We never confronted about it but we was not happy especially since we have stated we wanted nothing to do with them

OP posts:
duplodon · 13/12/2014 10:48

My father was nc with his siblings. As adults, we reconnected with them and see their photos on Facebook. It really, really hurts to see this whole family, lots of cousins who would be our age etc. I feel incredible loss about it. At the same time, I feel they could have made some effort with us as innocent kids. They knew we were living in a poor alcoholic home, we were their flesh and blood. A card or a present - just some recognition we existed - would have been kind and so welcome. Feel what you like about your sil but if her daughter is your niece, be the better person. She's a child.

duplodon · 13/12/2014 10:51

And this:
'my children only know of her as a child that stays over at the pil house.'

Yes, it was like this for us too and on rare occasions we met our cousins we felt like outcasts. It was such a horrible experience.

How awful it is to punish children and deny them awareness of their cousins because adults can't manage their relationships.

duplodon · 13/12/2014 10:54

It's so upsetting to see you describe her as ' the child'. I suppose that's what she is to you. It hurts me to think I real l y meant so little to my father's family. I always saw them as family, despite the nc.

dwarfrabbit · 13/12/2014 12:31

I feel so sorry for you duplodon. I didn't realise why I felt so strongly about this child until I remembered that only this year, my fifty six year old cousin who I met twice contacted my mum to say thank you for the presents she sent her despite the fact that her dad didn't speak to the rest of the family. She was a grown woman, crying down the phone and could only summon up courage when her father died. So my mum had done what op is reluctant to do, and what so many other posters are suggesting she doesn't and kept that door open by a little present every year. OP unless you are terrified of your dp, do the decent thing and be kind to this little girl. And don't allow your children to think of her 'a child who lives at pils'. you make her sound like Harry Potter and your dc like Dudley.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/12/2014 12:44

Op yes your dp has every right to go NC, but she is not the child who lives at PIL but your dc cousins and you have to tell your dc that. It is not the childs fault!

WhaddayWant · 13/12/2014 12:53

I'd just keep out of it and leave it to your DH to deal with. However you look at it it is a sad situation.

I think it's a good idea to make it clear to MIL that you are not involved. They are her kids after all.

ouryve · 13/12/2014 12:56

You should buy or not buy for who the hell you like.

dwarfrabbit · 13/12/2014 12:58

the little girl isn't one of mil's kids. she didn't ask to be born in a battle ground.

CocobearSqueeze · 13/12/2014 13:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/12/2014 13:05

OP, only you know the background to the situation.

So ignore the emotional warfare and projection going on here (and also the sly digs that your parent may be abusive)

Do you really want to start building ties with someone that uses there DD (and DGD) as emotional blackmail?

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/12/2014 13:08

*partner not parent

EElisavetaofJingleBellsornia · 13/12/2014 13:21

I don't know what you will decide OP but on the back of some really moving posts on here I have decided to send presents to the children in my situation.

Fanfeckintastic · 13/12/2014 13:35

duplodon was just thinking about this thread to myself and read your update, it's exactly the same story as myself. I was an only child with two violent alcoholic parents and I've reconnected with cousins through Facebook and I definitely feel sad that their parents didn't make more of an effort with me. My parents were very hard work though so I can understand why but I wish they'd even sent cards or tried to keep up some contact with me because these cousins have all really bonded and we do talk of meeting up and they seem lovely but I just feel very much an outsider.

I do think you should, it's only a card/small gift that won't mean much now but in years to come it could mean everything.

dwarfrabbit · 13/12/2014 14:52

yay! the result of these postings is that at least one other poster is going to say stuff the grown up disagreements - i'll let the kids know they're still family. hooray hooray for mumsnet. I feel quite teared up, and am going to send a nice long chatty letter to that grown up cousin who must have felt like the unwanted relation were it not for the little presents that my mum sent on the sly. projecting and emotional? you betcha.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/12/2014 19:02

Of course the op's children may feel different to this if it leads to regular contact, but as long as you are happy.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page