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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish she'd told me Xmas gift was too expensive?! I feel like shit

45 replies

Lomega · 12/12/2014 21:05

I get on really well with my SIL, she's really thoughtful and adores my DS, and this year we are all spending xmas together with her parents (My ILs).

So anyway she asks me what I want for Christmas, so I have a think and I tell her I'd like some new shoes. I tell her my size, style I like, and the shops that sell them at a reasonable price (think in region of £30 or so. That's also what I have spent on her roughly overall, lots of little things). She said yes, fine, thanks for being so easy and making it simple for me! And then didn't hear anything more.

I thought everything was fine but today I got a call from my MIL saying SIL couldn't afford what I'd asked for and that the shoes were too expensive a gift from her. I felt like utter shit, really grabby and terrible that I had asked for them in the first place! When that was NOT my intention. Clearly she has panicked and said something to MIL, perhaps in confidence, thinking maybe MIL knew of other xmas ideas.

SIL earns a fairly decent wage (not saying that she has heaps of disposable income, I don't know that she does!) but she had mentioned briefly that a budget of £40ish would be absolutely fine, so assumed that shoes costing under this wouldn't be an issue.
Hell I dont even care about what I get anymore (I'm not like that) I just wanted to ask for something sensible because we wanted to get each other gifts this year!!

AIBU to wish she'd just said to me "I'm on a bit of a budget...is there something I can get you like a CD, or a candle, for instance?" (Which would tell me I could pick something in the region of £10, not more!) Or, to wish she'd told me herself instead of saying to MIL? I like to think we are close, i'm gutted she has had to feel this way and not been able to say to me :(

OP posts:

Ujjayi · 13/12/2014 09:14

I'm also wondering if MIL's nose has been put out of joint. Perhaps she feels shoes are somehow "extravagant" or is jealous of SIL doing this for you? So she has taken it upon herself to pass judgment but give the impression that it is SIL's opinion.

Definitely call SIL & discuss.

All will be revealed on Christmas day when you open SIL's gift...check out MIL's face for her reaction: will be either cat's bum mouth or smug satisfied smile.

DaisyFlowerChain · 13/12/2014 09:23

Just phone and discuss, you'll soon find out if MIL was trying to help SIL then. Don't automatically assume it's MIL causing trouble.

TBH, if your have a DS I would have asked that they only buy for the child and if pushed for ideas would have suggested something like a book or pyjamas which have a broad price range to suit most budgets.

PicaK · 13/12/2014 09:46

Another one who thinks mil is stirring and has taken it upon herself to sort out a non existant problem. Yabu to feel like shit. But don't get cross with sil.

TooMuchCantBreathe · 13/12/2014 10:46

Hope the conversation goes well lomega

MsAspreyDiamonds · 13/12/2014 10:59

Your mil is shit stirring probably because you have such an unusually close relationship with your sil.

What's your mil' relationship like with her own mil & sil? That will reveal a lot of clues as to why she is meddling. My aunt had a difficult time with her mil so she is now a prize bitch to her own dil now 30 yrs later. My cousin is a carbon copy of my aunt so the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I digress, sorry.

Gem124 · 14/12/2014 21:26

Did you speak to you sil? Hope it worked out x

Original poster

Lomega · 14/12/2014 21:33

So I spoke to my SIL (she's abroad so it was brief). Her response? "What are you talking about? I'd have said if there was a problem."

I AM RIPPING with my MIL. She made me feel a right twat.

DH had a word and said "why did you say the shoes were too expensive? SIL/DSis is happy to buy them?"
And ofc mil's responses was "I just meant she'd been looking at expensive ones that were too much"
When I had EXPLAINED this wasn't the case and clearly SIL knew that too?!

I made sure I did tell SIL what her mother had said. I don't know quite what her intentions were but I am pretty pissed!!

OP posts:

TenMinutesEarly · 14/12/2014 21:39

Your mil probably thinks the gift is too expensive. Who knows? I wouldn't let it worry you and enjoy the shoes

Aeroflotgirl · 14/12/2014 21:57

Oh that's good you rang SiL and sorted it, sounds like MIL is stirring trouble.

TooMuchCantBreathe · 15/12/2014 06:57

Well, let's hope mil feels caught out and doesn't repeat her trick for a while! You and sil sound lovely, remember this in the future incase mil comes up with a stonker and really causes trouble!

Wonkyparsnip · 15/12/2014 07:02

At a guess I think it sound more like your sil has made an offhand comment and your mil has charged right in. Either way it's taken the shine off the gift which is a real pity.

merrymouse · 15/12/2014 07:14

I think your mil thinks your sil is spending too much on Xmas presents or your sil has realised she has doesn't have enough money and your mil has taken it upon herself to sort it out.

merrymouse · 15/12/2014 07:19

Oops, just seen update - your mil disapproves of what your sil is spending and is treating her like a child.

The only way I think this would be a bit reasonable is if your sil has a history of overspending and your mil has to deal with the consequences.

PulpsNotFiction · 15/12/2014 09:44

Get your Mil a big wooden spoon for Xmas and a fake turd.

Rockinghorse123 · 15/12/2014 09:53

My MIL has done this to me. I bought DH grandma a really lovely gift. Spent more than usual because it was something special I wanted to get her. MIL decided it was too much to spend and told BIL not to buy anything he could just give us some money and give our gift from all of us.

Her intentions were good but I was really annoyed at her interference because it really wasn't her business.

I would ring SIL I bet she's made a passing comment that MIL has took out of context and felt the need to stick her beak in!

Floggingmolly · 15/12/2014 11:36

What exactly is the point of telling someone the precise gift you want; down to the barcode and stockist, and doing the same in reverse for them?
Seriously, I'm amazed people actually do this.
Buy what you need/want for yourself; and exchange a token gift with everyone else...

Anydrinkwilldo · 15/12/2014 11:40

Hah your mil sound like mine. We do secret santa every year with in laws and mil wanted to leave it at €15 coz anything else was too much to be spending. We all tried to push it up to €50 but she wouldn't let it past €25 rolls eyes I can't even get my secret santa a football jersey which would have been so easy!!!

BackforGood · 15/12/2014 11:57

Beacause that way molly

a) people end up with what they want - giving a gift is supposed to be about what the recipient wants, not what the giver thinks would be nice.
b) It makes shopping nice and easy, and avoids duplicates

ZanyMobster · 15/12/2014 11:57

We always buy each other specific gifts we know the other person really wants as we don't want to waste money on things our family doesn't really want. We use the Amazon wish list as you can add external things to it also with a link to the website, saves a lot of hassle and can include things of all budgets on there.

Nomama · 15/12/2014 13:18

So my family - far flung as it is - can look on Amazon Wishlist and see all sorts of things I have bookmarked (as can DH if he remembers hint hint).

My parents in Spain can ask an Aunt, in England, to do the ordering, they also have a 'who owes who what?' spreadsheet and when they meet up whoever is in credit buys a meal.

Fun for all and part of the way a geographically widespread family keeps in contact.

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