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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel disappointed with life.

26 replies

ohcluttergotme · 12/12/2014 18:27

Myself and my DH made a really bad decision when we bought our house at the peak of the housing market at the end of 2007.
We bought a house at top dollar and with our bad credit we ended up on a high interest, interest only mortgage.
We hoped we could get a better deal in a year or two and either move or build an extension.
2008, market crashes and we're stuck with a house that dropped thousands in value.
Fast forward 6 years and here we are, paying every penny into our home just to cover the mortgage.
We have also had 2 children and already had one so that hasn't helped finances.
I know I should be thankful, I have a home, my children are happy, healthy and have what they need.
My husband works every hour to provide for us.
I have a good job to go back to after mat leave.

I just feel disappointed that we are in such a mess financially and our mortgage is such a huge drain on us.
Am I being unreasonable to feel like this?

OP posts:

Screenclean · 12/12/2014 18:31

I sympathise. It's like paying £50 for a meal then finding out you could have had it free. So it's annoying, but doesn't change the fact you've had a good meal. That's a crap analogy, but it's just frustrating!

Life has dealt you other good hands, so try to focus your energy on those?

BreakfastAtStephanies · 12/12/2014 18:35

Yanbu. Negative equity is a bitch. We had £ 10 grand of it on our last house and could only afford to move because my Mum had an insurance policy mature and gave us some financial help. Stay where you are for the time being and the market should improve again in the longer run. I do sympathise

Pagwatch · 12/12/2014 18:36

Of course not.
You can feel disappointed and frustrated and lots of other things.
But to focus on that would be a serious waste of energy.
Similarly to not learn from your situation would be a mistake too.

I won't bother pointing out that many other people have much worse to deal with because I am sure you know that. But the choice to focus on the negative and see yourself as a victim won't ultimately make you happy.

grumpyoldgitagain · 12/12/2014 18:39

Not unreasonable at all to feel that way and I do know just how you feel, £500k on interest only has us paying everything we can on mortgage payments
But hopefully one day things will get better, until then we are healthy and have wine

chanie44 · 12/12/2014 18:40

I'm in exactly the same situation as you : bought 6 years ago, interest only and have two children since.

I dont fell sorry for myself though. Don't get my wrong, life is hard, but I'm trying to make the most of what I have.

When we bought out house, I was concerned about negative equity, but OH and I saw it as our home first and foremost. We aren't going anywhere anytime soon, so it doesn't really concern us.

A couple of people at work are at the end of their mortgages and I have looked at them in envy but the grass isn't always greener:
The first told me about the years he had of cycling to work and bringing I'm lunches to afford his mortgage in the early days.
The second told me about the hike in interest rates in 90s and how it people lost everything.

tobysmum77 · 12/12/2014 18:43

I think chanie sums it up 'life is hard'. When this dawned on me at about 23 it was a big disappointment so yanbu.

But yabu because you are all healthy, have a nice home and in a few years things will be easier financially.

FloozeyLoozey · 12/12/2014 18:47

Life is hard, it often feels like an endurance test and all I can do is to keep on going and try to survive.

JacktheLab · 12/12/2014 19:36

We've got so used to house prices going up for ten years or so before the crash that prices coming down now is really hard to take :(

We bought in 2009 and I reckon the house is worth 10% less than we paid, but it's our home and we will be there for a few more years so hoping it might appreciate a bit before we sell. At the end of the day it's a bit more secure than renting

anothernumberone · 12/12/2014 20:27

We were in a similar situation except we couldn't live in our own house since I changed jobs and it would have required a 4 hour daily commute which I did for one year. The house was in negative equity do selling was not an option. Instead we rented it out did not cover the mortgage and had the privilege of paying tax on the income while we paid rent elsewhere. It was totally sh!t. But like Chainee said somewhere along the way we realised life is a pain and accepting that allowed me to enjoy the good things we had, 3 lovely children, good jobs we kind of enjoy, a great family nearby.

A few months ago we were able to sell the house as we were not on interest only and there was a small bit if a recovery so we are delighted. hopefully soon we will get back onto the rat race of home ownership probably having learned very little .

funchum8am · 12/12/2014 20:37

We were in a similar position (except on a repayment mortgage, so less stressful to that extent) but as we did not need to move we decided to stop thinking about it and just be glad we weren't giving away money to a landlord by renting. Luckily we are now out of negative equity - so long as you don't need to move might be best to just focus on being frugal and trying to enjoy your lovely home. Very much easier said than done but better than feeling resentful, or being forced to sell at a loss.

Screenclean · 12/12/2014 23:13

There was an amazing thread on here a while ago that had some great insights. Hold on and I'll see if I can find it...

Screenclean · 12/12/2014 23:15

It's olde than I thought (2012) but I thought it was really good read...

here

AlfAlf · 12/12/2014 23:39

Negative equity is a bastard (and don't I know it), but yabu to feel disappointed when you have everything you need. I mean, the odd moment, but please don't be constantly disappointed. You are blessed with a lovely family and are able to provide for them: enjoy them, please don't let not being where you'd hoped financially stop you enjoying your life.

Disclaimer: I've just found out that a girl in my dd2's class has recently become homeless, along with her parents and 2 year old sister. That's where my perspective is at right now, so I might be being a bit harsh.

Thewrongmans · 13/12/2014 00:56

Were you always stretching yourself with a huge mortgage? Or is it just because of having more children?

Original poster

ohcluttergotme · 13/12/2014 06:47

Thanks for great feedback and advice, some really helpful comments and bling to have a good read of previous thread.
We bought our house when I worked full time and paid for after school care for our biggest girl. We were stretched to the limit and hadn't thought how we would cope with a drop in my salary.
We then had our son and I went on maternity leave for 9 months and then we had to pay for full time child care.
The full time childcare and after school for our daughter was £1200 per month!
Decided I would go part time and my mil helped out a day a week.
We discussed having another and knew we really wanted to but massively couldn't afford but decided when we were older we would more regret not having a third than having one.
We were blessed with a beautiful 2nd daughter in June of this year.
If we had planned better we shouldn't of bought our house knowing we wanted to have more children but it was me that was desperate to buy. We were renting a nice flat and my husband would of stayed renting but I really wanted a place of our own.
Our house is small but has everything we need, we can make it work and we have a huge garden so one day hopefully we might be able to extend.
Our home is close to children's schools. We have nice neighbours. Our kids are happy here.
I just find it frustrating that we pay so much every month and because of bad planning we are skint.
My husband is optimistic though and sees that things will improve.
I know I need to be thankful for all that is good in my life.

OP posts:

Thewrongmans · 13/12/2014 07:07

You know that you shouldn't have stretched yourself quite so much, so why are you disappointed with life? I know that sounds really harsh, but you have to own your decisions. I would have loved to have had a house when my kids were small, I would have liked them to have a garden, or not to have had to share a teeny room, but I didn't want to over stretch myself. Therefore, yes I do think you are being unreasonable to feel that way, and also a tad melodramatic.

Original poster

ohcluttergotme · 13/12/2014 07:17

I do own my decisions TheWrongMans, that is why I am so frustrated at myself.
I know that it is entirely my husbands and my fault (oh and the recession) that we are in this situation.
We have 3 tiny rooms so for the foreseeable our baby will be in with us and then will probably share what is effectively a box room.
I'm not really sure I'm being melodramatic by being disappointed that we pay £960 per month for a tiny house that has dropped £30,000 since we bought it yet we haven't even touched the mortgage as have only been paying interest for 6 years.
It's effectively like renting yet we don't have the luxury of phoning a landlord when things go wrong or have any spare pennies to repair or renew anything.
I've said I should be thankful for what I have and every day I'm thankful for a kind, loving, hard working husband and 3 healthy beautiful children.
I am disappointed by our decisions though.

OP posts:

Thewrongmans · 13/12/2014 07:26

But that was not your opening statement. You asked if you were unreasonable to be disappointed with life. I still say that, for the reasons you posited, you are being unreasonable. You are now changing it to be that you are disappointed with the decisions you made, well you were the ones who made them, so again you are being a bit unreasonable.

Original poster

ohcluttergotme · 13/12/2014 07:36

Ok TheWrongMan, fair point.

OP posts:

chrome100 · 13/12/2014 08:24

This is exactly why I will never buy a house. I would rather rent, far more freedom and you can leave when you want.

Pagwatch · 13/12/2014 09:21

I kind of agree with TheWrongMan and I think it's important.
I find your most recent posts much improved - I found the idea of you just blaming life really passive and negative. To recognise what we have done to create our life situation is really important and helpful. It makes us better people and better parents.
The suggestion that you would tell your DD to just marry a rich bloke because you over stretched your finances did grate.
What I hope you will do will now be an immensely wise and prudent advisor to your children when they are ready to make large financial decisions.

My father lost all his money and we were evicted when I was a child. He talked about his mistakes openly and worked his arse off. That was an amazing life lesson for me - a good thing to come out of bad.
We had to suddenly cope without my salary. I had to leave my job in the city and our finances became difficult for several years - not because I had another child but because my child was profoundly disabled. He is 18 now and I have never been able to return to work.
We have made a very happy life and I am actually grateful for some of the lesson I had. They made me a better person. I recognise what is important.

MyNameIsSuz · 13/12/2014 09:23

I sympathise, we bought at the same time as you and are now stuck in a small flat with a toddler. I imagine we'll be here for another few years. when we moved in the block was exclusively young couples and sharers (newly built so all moved in at the same time), now it's half young families as everyone is in the same situation. Several have moved out into rented and are renting their own place out, could you do something like that? It sucks and I do get jealous of people who bought a year later and have a house for the same money we're paying. No advice really just wanted to sympathise!

Original poster

ohcluttergotme · 13/12/2014 10:48

Pagwatch, I'm not sure if you are getting me confused with someone else but I have not once said I would tell my daughter to marry a rich man.
That would make me sad.
I constantly tell my daughter to look at me and her dad and know that we got in this situation by spending outside our means in our 20's resulting in bad credit and then a high mortgage.
I am teaching my daughter to manage her money and to strive to be an independent woman who can manage her money and bring equality to any life partnership that she chooses to enter into or to live comfortably on her own if she chooses but to try not to get into debt as so so easy to get into.
She's currently 15 and is hoping to go to uni.
I do feel disappointed with my life with the decisions we have taken but 100% know that I and my husband are to blame for our bad money management.

OP posts:

Apatite1 · 13/12/2014 11:18

Trust me, the lessons you're giving your daughter will be very worthwhile. My husband and I got the same lessons of hard work, perseverance and sacrifice from our parents. We are blessed to have achieved a lot by our 30s: we have great careers, professional success and are building our dream home with very little financial debt. I fully acknowledge luck has a role here too, but I hope I would have the resilience to bear it if things went tits up instead. And they still could of course.

Pagwatch · 13/12/2014 11:24

Ohcluttergotme

Goodness, you are absolutely right. I'm so sorry.
That's what I get for mumsnetting whilst half awake. That was the op of another thread. My apologies.

I hope the thrust of my comments made sense though
It's a thing that I think about a lot as I have two people close to me who allow their mistakes to shape their attitude about everything going forward. It's so sad. Learning from our mistakes is the thing that keeps us going forward. We all make mistakes.

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