To take the blame for chiseling the door

[brotherhoodofspam]

My parents are staying at the moment. DH has a strained relationship with them, generally manages to be civil especially when we meet on neutral territory but struggles when they stay with us for any length of time. He feels they take over the house and act like it's theirs which they do to some extent but I cope with it better as they're my parents. I know a lot of what they do is because they like to be "helpful" and aren't the sort of people who can just sit back and be guests. Over the years we've worked on them, and on the whole they now ask before doing jobs or bring things of their own to do (eg. Christmas cards this visit). They're only here for 2 days this time a and DH has barely seen them as he's working and they're leaving at lunchtime. So far, so harmonious. However this morning I asked DF to help me hang some bird feeders and when we went into the tool shed to get pliers he noticed our new wooden door was sticking (probably due to wet weather). DH has been working his way round our new doors planing them down and I told DF this. Anyway, he's outside for quite a while and when he came in DM asked what he'd been up to and he said he'd been trying to sort the door but hadn't had much joy as he couldn't find the right tools so was doing it with a chisel.DM is a bit more aware of the issues and had a bit of a go at him and I said again that I thought DH was in the process of sorting it. I didn't want to upset him as I know he just means well but I also know this is the sort of thing that drives DH mad (fair enough) and I'm now contemplating saying it was me that had a go in order to try and keep the peace (we're seeing them again on Boxing Day). Probably daft and I know I'll get flamed for not manning up and having it out with them but I just find the whole DH / DPs thing so stressful and feel I'm continually trying to manage the situation and everybody else's feelings.

They sound like a well meaning nightmare

If they were your PILs instead of your parents, I'm sure the words 'control freaks' would be used quite a bit on this thread.

But if you look at it from your DH's point of view, that's probably what he sees them as.

Do you honestly think your DH will believe it was you and not your Dad?

I don't and I don't even know any of you.

I think "well meaning nightmare" describes them very well Worra. I just thought while he might be a bit annoyed with me he wouldn't be flaming mad (as he would be with DF) as it's my door as well as his.

Tell the truth. It will help your DH not be so angry if he knows you share his frustration and that you did try to prevent it, and if it ends in your DH being mad at your DF then so be it.

Well it's moot now as DH came home early for lunch before DPs had left and DF happily told him what he'd done. Proud of DH who managed to contain himself for the 5 mins before they left, then the explosion came.....

Not at you I hope?

Aww he was trying to help. My pa ( grandad) straightened our grapefruit knives one time he was here!
( I have no idea why we had grapefruit knives but clearly he'd never seen them!)

So you really do need to have a long chat with your dad then!

Try asking him if he thinks your DH is shite with tools? If he appreciates that doing the little jobs is emasculating for your DH and really fucking irritates him in his own home?

My dad had a brief try at this, donkeys years ago. I told him very bluntly where to step off.

BILs ILs are a total bloody nightmare for it. We house sat for BIL once and his ILs popped round, demanded we got keys cut for them (at our own expense - we declined) and went out and bought a range of white goods for the kitchen - from a cooker all the way down to a toaster.

How nice? You would think so, maybe. But BIL hadn't finished paying for the items they replaced/threw out, most of them were less than 2 months old. But BIL wasn't allowed to say anything and that behaviour continues to this day. His ILs pop in and replace/remove anything they feel like.

Ypu may 'cope with it' better then your DH, but you shouldn't. You are a big grown up girl now and should be staking your right to your own territory. Daddy's little girl simply must be placed in a box and forgotten!

I'm not "Daddy's Little Girl" don't remember ever being that, just from a family where feelings aren't expressed openly very often and on the paid I have done so I've been told I'm being to sensitive. That said, I do love DF and I don't think it would cross his mind that he was being anything other than helpful.

Tbh if this was someone posting about their IL's, especially a MIL, they'd be told that their DP needs to grow a pair, support his partner/wife, and have it out with their parents.

I think you're right Alpaca. As I said, we're more of "gentle hints" kind of family than an open expression of feelings one, but that clearly hasn't been working on DF. I think DM has picked up on it though. Things used to be worse, particularly when DD was a baby with lots of unwanted "helpful" suggestions. We just wanted to get on with learning to be parents ourselves but DM definitely saw out as her role to be our adviser. I think it's a learning curve for them as well, to transition from being the parents to being the grandparents and not always an easy one. I do need to probably be more direct with DF though, I just thought we might have one 24 hr visit without any tension but that was to much to hope for.

What CleanLinesSharpEdges said. Sorry, I can see you're doing your best, but this situation is really unfair on your DH. If your DH was on here I bet some posters would be advising him to ban his DPIL from the house if they refuse to respect it. Sorry again, but it does sound as if you need to take a deep breath and be very direct and clear with your DM and DF about the adverse consequences of their "helpful" behaviour.

You may not feel like Daddy's Little Girl, but your dad still likes to look after you/your home. So yes, you will need to be firm with your dad!

As others have said, if it was ILs you were talking about the advice would be to get DH to speak to them... the same advice is being given to you for the same reason!

Good luck.

Yes, I know you're right Clean Lines and Punt. I think it's often quite low level stuff they do that would seem petty if I raised it (and DH agrees that it wouldn't be helpful to do so) but yesterday's incident was such an overstepping of the boundaries that I should have seized the opportunity to be more direct. I think I was just a bit and DM clearly thought so too and was telling DF he shouldn't have. I remember once DF changed our broken toilet seat (he'd ask for a job) but didn't get the one we'd asked him to but one that he thought would look better. DH told him he'd just have to take it off and take it back to the shop, which I know was reasonable but I did end up feeling really sorry for DF who looked so crest fallen.

I remember once DF changed our broken toilet seat (he'd ask for a job) but didn't get the one we'd asked him to but one that he thought would look better.

The switcharound version of this was the thread where the MIL chose some new bedsheets and put them on her son/DIL's bed because she thought they'd look nicer than the ones they currently had. Does anyone remember that one?

Sorry, you're going to have to have a difficult conversation with your parents.

Oh, bless your DF! Clearly so keen to be helpful! If I were you I might try getting him to do similar jobs in the future, but with absolutely no wiggle room or opportunity for the use of initiative. Eg "Here, DF, it would be a big help if you could put this picture up for us. There is no need even to go to B&Q as here is the picture, here are the fixings, here are the tools and here is the exact spot on the wall where we want it going. If you have any problems, please come and ask me or DH BEFORE you do anything different. I'll bring you a cup of tea in a few minutes and see how you're getting on".

Also, a cheer for your DH for being sensible about just letting some of the smaller things slide. He sounds great.