To consider cutting off my mother?

[NikkiPlum]

OK, it sounds harsh but my mum and dad split up when I was 4, and though I was closer to my dad, my brother and I had to stay with my mum (it was the early 80s, just the way it was).

She re-married when I was 6 (nice enough guy, my dad's best friend) and had a daughter. My mum and I did not get on (chalk and cheese and very much favoured my brother and sister) and when my dad remarried when I was 11, my brother and I chose to go and live with him.

While my dad was the absent parent, he made sure that he saw us WITHOUT FAIL every other weekend, even driving 4 hours with a broken arm one weekend. He called and constantly showed he cared.

When my mum was the absent parent, she didn't come to visit us once in the next 7 years. She called once every few months and occasionally sent emotionally abusive letters in which she'd state that her 'priest' (she's not remotely religious) told her that losing us was worse for her than if we'd died because we'd chosen to die'. I was 12.

As an adult we have sporadic contact, but every time we do she piles on the guilt and adds snide little digs constantly to everything she does. She's also incredibly tight with money and doesn't now 'do' presents for us and only minimal tokens for my kids, who she barely knows. Last time we went to visit for a few days I had to take sedatives to stop myself getting wound up by her. We offered to have them to stay last Christmas but she said that 'since your brother's not available over Christmas there's not really any point, is there?'

I would prefer to cut the toxic witch woman out of my life entirely as contact with her only upsets me and stresses me out. My DH insists that this is setting a bad example to our kids but I don't want them growing up seeing some woman be mean to their mum! Am I being unreasonable?

It's difficult - when they are here and you are full of hatred at the situation they put you its easy to say 'I'm cutting contact'. At the time all I could remember was all the dreadful things she'd done to me, the drunken beatings, the bitchiness, the refusal to get help for her addiction, the disinterest in my life and her grandchildren, the list went on and on.

2 weeks on from her death and I'm so mixed up - I still don't know whether I did the right thing. Her depression / anxiety / alcoholism - were they not her fault? Should I have been more supportive? Could I have done more? My brain is betraying my now by remembering all the good things. So mixed up....

If your DH has come from a normal, loving family, he won't understand how people like your mother can affect their children.

If she's toxic to you, then at some point it's likely she'll carry it on with your children. Does your DH want to take the risk that your children could be affected?

And his idea that carrying on seeing your mother is a good example is completely wrong. It's tightly tied to the "but it's your mother" crap some people spout, as if the fact that someone happens to be a mother automatically means they are saints.

If your DCs are seeing your mother being mean to you, they'll pick up that it's okay to treat people like that, and especially to treat you like that, and also that they have to allow other people to treat them like that. Does your DH want these ideas in your DCs heads?

Cutting your mother out will show your DCs that it's not on to be treated this way, that treating people badly has consequences. And as you'll obviously be happier as a result of not seeing your mother, then your DCs and DH will reap the benefit of that.

Quadrophonic - it takes nerves of steel and a very unsentimental personality to try and sustain a relationship with an addict. Because the addict doesn't love you enough to give up (or so it seems) which is an extremely difficult lesson for a child to learn. Some alcoholics and addicts do recover, so, yes, you can say it was your mother's "fault" that she could not cure herself. I don't think you were wrong to stop contact with her, not for one moment. I am sorry for your loss and that she was not a good mother to you.

Hmm, in my own life, I personally believe that teaching my children that it will be okay for me to treat them like shit would be setting them a bad example, so that's not an example I've set them.

If I ever start sending them emotionally abusive letters, i hope they do cut me off. I'll deserve it, and no child, especially not my children (who are the most wonderful beings in the universe, obvs ), deserves letters like that.

You poor thing, Plum. It will not be easy, but I think you should actively drift away. A much better example to set to the kids.

You will feel some guilt, but better that than the alternative.

Thank you so much everyone - I steeled myself when I wrote this post to have lots of responses along the lines of 'you're a horrible human being to even think of cutting off your own mother!'.

It's actually really liberating to read the things you've written and to realise that so many of you have gone through similar experiences and felt the same emotions. Thank you, all of you, for making me feel normal x

I have been NC with my Dad for just over a year.
Our relationship was never the best, but I put a brave face on it for 29 years. Then I saw a counsellor (for depression triggered by ill health) who wanted to look at my life as a whole - my up bringing, support network etc.
We talked about my parents, and we got on to talking about my relationship with him. She listened to me talk for an hour, then said "Why is he still in your life?"
I couldn't give an answer. She said he was clearly causing me a huge amount of stress, and had been an emotional drain on me for too long.
She said to write a list of all the good things he had done over the years, and one of all the bad and to put them side by side. Then once I had done that my choice of whether to keep contact would be clear.
I did just that. A week later I was NC.
I had put up with so much for so long, I just put up with the nastiness and emotional abuse from him as being just his way. It took a stranger to say "that is not what a healthy father daughter relationship is like!" before I saw it for my self.
I am not talking small issues either, I am talking him stealing from me (by hiding a will - long story), mistreating his elderly parent, stealing from his dad, violence... and the straw that broke the camels back - telling his suicidal child to get on with it already....

The last year has been easier from that perspective. I no longer dread the phone ringing, or opening my emails, he has gotten the hint that any emails will be ignored and calls are screened. He is no longer on my radar.
Sometimes I think I should send a letter saying why I went NC, as he genuinely doesn't get it, he is still in contact with my sister (her choice) and I know he still asks her why. But then I know that will defeat the object of NC.
If he dies? Ah well, the world will keep on turning.

I watched my grandmother deride and belittle my mother for years while my dad did nothing.
On her deathbed my mother turned to my father and said "why did you never defend me against your mother?" That's how bad it was.

It is horrible seeing a parent treated badly - go non contact - your DH is wrong.

Oh, and she'll try to turn the kids against you if my gran is anything to go by.

Sometimes, for you own mental health, you have to cut some people out of your life.

A few years ago my friends and I were each facing family difficulties. They went NC. I didn't. I was a bit shocked by them at the time, tbh.

Now, they have a stress-free existence on that front. I however have had to have dealings with the Court and many nights trying to get to sleep with my heart pounding in my chest. My husband and children have had to stand by and watch it all unfurl. I think my friends made the better and braver decision - I am sure I have damaged my children with it all.

I went NC 20 years ago. Best thing i have ever done. I think a toxic dynamic with a mother is the hardest thing to work on or get over because its the one person 'supposed' to love you unconditionally, so when they dont, the betrayal is massive. Why subject yourself of your family to that. Don't feel guilty, I felt like a cloud had been lifted. And I am under no illusion that i have been missed or that my mother even cares. Put you and your family first and go forward not back.

YANBU

Your DH obviously doesn't understand but he needs to be more supportive. You are setting an excellent example to your children by protecting them from someone so awful and toxic.

I am NC with my DM and it's lovely thanks very much