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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make DS go to school without any breakfast?

73 replies

Rollergirl1 · 11/12/2014 08:23

DS (6) has been very difficult this morning. He didn't want to eat the cereal I put in front of him claiming that he wasn't hungry. In actual fact it was because he wanted to do something else. I repeatedly told him that he wouldn't be getting anything else and if he didn't eat he would be hungry. He kicked up such a fuss and took so long that the cereal is now soggy and inedible. He wants something else. I have said no.

DH just so happens to be here this morning. He says I can't send him to school without any breakfast but I think that if he does than he'll learn not to muck around like this again. I do feel bad but I really don't want to give in.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
EbwyIsUpTheDuff · 11/12/2014 11:10

6 is not too old to learn that decisions have consequences, and that meals have the only options of 1. eat it, 2. eat nothing.

I wouldn't have given the cereal bar!

TheMuppetsSingChristmas · 11/12/2014 11:11

I must admit I'd also have gone up and brought him down, but if he still sits there and refuses to put food in his mouth then that's his look out. But yes to informing the school first - missing breakfast can, amongst other concerns, raise a protection concern, which would be ludicrous in this situation.

ouryve · 11/12/2014 11:13

I've learnt not to push it if mine refuse breakfast because if they do force it down, we inevitably see it again.

Namechangeyetagaintohide · 11/12/2014 11:14

I never had breakfast as a child. Still don't. If he doesn't want it I'd just leave it.

StetsonsAreCool · 11/12/2014 11:14

Dd is 4 and I would have done the same as you OP. As long as you warned him that it was this or , if the alternative is nothing then you have to follow it through.

I know they shouldn't go to school with an empty stomach, but as long as it's a one off, surely it's better for him to learn that the hungry way? If it becomes a habit, and he keeps faffing at breakfast time then you can find alternative strategies then. This one time? Yanbu.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 11/12/2014 11:21

6 is not a baby... Some people are suggesting a 6 year old needs treatment my 3.5 year old has grown out of needing Confused . Offer a choice (OP usually does but DS wasn't interested in choosing as said he wasn't hungry, so OP put something he usually eats out in front of him). Provide reasonable food he usually eats and time to eat it. Child chooses not to eat... that's fine. Ensure child has a snack for mid morning as usual - everything is fine. .. Offer the child chocolate? How is that better? Children are not stupid and breakfast will become a power game Hmm

The "most important meal of the day" thing was invented by cereal companies. It is essential to offer something reasonable, not to beg, bribe and cajole children into eating, thus making food about power and control and warping everyone's relationship with it.

Original poster
Rollergirl1 · 11/12/2014 11:23

*He's 6. If you call once, give it 30 seconds for them to respond/appear. Call again and if they still don't move then go up to the bedroom, take him by the hand and bring him down.

Do you really just faff about downstairs, calling and calling and letting him ignore you?*

I am not faffing about downstairs. I have other things that I need to be getting on with in the morning and I think 6 is perfectly old enough to be able to get yourself dressed (in clothes that i've laid out for him) and downstairs without adult supervision.

OP posts:
WhereIsMyHat · 11/12/2014 11:26

I would have given something rather than teaching a 6 year old a lesson at school.

If it's any consolation OP I am struggling with my son of a similar age and a lot of other parents at the school are. I think they're tired, busy with school plays etc and act accordingly when home. Hopefully come next week all will be back to notmal

Original poster
Rollergirl1 · 11/12/2014 11:26

Cocolate: Seems to me that you're offering rewards for faffing and fussing.

OP posts:
MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 11/12/2014 11:28

I agree Rollergirl - we all get dressed upstairs at the same time, but anyone who isn't ready needs to get finished on their own and come down. Going up and leading my 7 yo down by the hand because he was playing/ faffing sounds ludicrous - why would he need that?

soupey1 · 11/12/2014 11:29

So what your DS has learnt from this is that:
He can faff in the mornings and you will not actually stop him
If he refuses to eat breakfast he will get a treat (cereal bar) instead
He can play mummy and daddy off against each other
Whilst a child does need breakfast a six year old is not going to suffer long term harm if he doesn't have it one day and goes hungry for a couple of hours as a result. I would however mention it to the school so they are aware it is as a result of his refusing to eat and not that you didn't try to give him some.

SaucyJack · 11/12/2014 11:32

I don't personally think it's about "teaching them a lesson" hat.

AFAIC my job begins and ends with putting something appropriate on the sofa table in front of them. It's up to them from there.

If one of mine says they're not hungry I just accept it at face value.

SanityClause · 11/12/2014 11:37

So. If you poured yourself some cereal and milk, and then got carried away doing something, and forgot to eat it, and it went all mushy, and then you came back to it, and it looked really unappetising, would you eat it? If not, why would you make him? If you would eat it, you're a weirdo, or a martyr, IMVHO.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 11/12/2014 11:38

I agree Saucy I hate people who make everything about teaching children a lesson etc. This situation should be handled lightly and at face value as you say - so many issues can develop from doing anything else around the subject of food and eating. Provide a reasonable, palatable option and time to eat it - if possible provide a degree of choice. Child declines food? As long as there are no health etc. issues and it's just one meal, that is their choice.

Original poster
Rollergirl1 · 11/12/2014 11:38

soupey1: I know. Exactly what I didn't want.

DS has form for acting up in the morning before school. He used to actually not want to go at all and absolutely everything was dragged out to prolong the inevitable. He is much much better now and I am really thankful for that. But I do have to be careful because it is very definitely a power/control thing where he is concerned.

OP posts:
squoosh · 11/12/2014 11:42

YABU

Kids should not go to school without having eaten breakfast.

RaisingMen · 11/12/2014 11:44

Jesus - pick your battles! Is it worth all of this fuss? If he didn't want that, offer him another choice. Two choices at breakfast, let him decide.

Would I send my son to school on an empty stomach in winter? Nope.

Stillwishihadabs · 11/12/2014 11:44

I have to admit I am a bit funny about this and won't let them leave the house without at least a hot chocolate and a bit of fruit in them. I find they are often more hungry than they think iykwim

Footlight · 11/12/2014 11:45

What was the 'something else' he wanted?

Footlight · 11/12/2014 11:46

Sorry, misread your post. Ignore that question.

tinkerbellvspredator · 11/12/2014 11:46

Could he start getting his own breakfast, eg put milk in a little jug and leave cereals out. If he wants something that you need to make he has to tell you by a certain time. Still prompt him to come down and get breakfast etc.

TortoiseInAShell · 11/12/2014 11:46

We've had this battle of wills at the end of the day, and it was really hard to send him to bed with no food because he refused to eat from the choice of food served at the table. Once in bed he asked for good but I didn't I've it to him because I knew that it would quickly degenerate ion a game each night. But he learned that Mum means what she says and he hasn't gone to bed hungry since.

I must admit it feels a bit different with breakfast, although they do get a fruit snack and milk in the morning at school, and I would suspect they'd only do it once. Missing one breakfast would be unpleasant but wouldn't kill anyone.

My heart sunk a bit when I read you'd given a cereal bar though, because it's unfortunately given the opposite message to the one you wanted to give. I wouldn't kick yourself over it though, a lot of parenting is guesswork and ends up being 20:20 vision after the event. Maybe tonight you might get a chance to revisit the day and explain that next time he won't get he cereal bar, he would actually have to go hungry if he chose to refuse his cereal. That way you've salvaged some of what you were trying to (righty) achieve.

The final thing if say is that I have to ask once, and then physically go to him and get him to look in my face before he will comply. Sometimes that means a firm hand-hold down the stairs! Constant calling achieves nothing and only trains them to ignore you.

mummytime · 11/12/2014 11:50

Mine have been known to walk to school eating: banana or dry weetabix or sandwich.
Nope at 6 none of mine could be totally relied to get themselves up and dressed. they often got dressed downstairs so I could supervise. Now I know some children can get up quickly and efficiently, but mine couldn't. Maybe you need to get him out of bed earlier?

NoSundayWorkingPlease · 11/12/2014 11:52

I think 6 is perfectly old enough to be able to get yourself dressed (in clothes that i've laid out for him) and downstairs without adult supervision

So do I.

But I don't stand downstairs and call and call and allow a 6 year old to ignore me either.

I'm far from a drill sargent-type parent, but when I call the dc and ask them to come downstairs - for anything - then, yes, I expect to be listened to.

And if they don't listen then yes, they get fetched down and whatever they were doing that they thought was so important they could completely ignore me over, gets confiscated for the day.

If you allow a 6 year old to decide when they deign to listen to you or not, the words rod and back spring to mind tbh.

APlaceInTheWinter · 11/12/2014 12:00

I don't know if YWBU but if I did it then I know I would be being unreasonable as DS without any food is really grumpy. I don't think it's fair to inflict that on the rest of his class. He's also 6 and can be a bit mardy in the mornings but he's never went out without food.

Is the problem what your DS was doing rather than him not liking the breakfast? Can the consequence be that tomorrow morning he doesn't get to do whatever it was that made the cereal get soggy?

I also second what a PP said about DCs being over-excited, tired with nativity practices, etc. It's always such a busy time of year.