To wish my mum would just stop pressuring us over Boxing Day?

[Sahkoora]

Will try to keep this brief but it's been going on a while so this may not be possible.

A couple of months ago, DM had a huge argument with her sister during a very fraught time when my nan had a fall and needed a lot of care. I say an argument, it basically consisted of my aunt telling DM what she really thought of her (and us) and was basically an extremely nasty tirade, very personal and unnecessary during a stressful time.

DM did not say anything back, and she is the type of person that would rather forget about anything nasty, brush it all aside and pretend it never happened. She was devastated at the time, and I had lots and lots of tearful phonecalls saying (among other things) how Boxing Day wouldn't be a family occasion any more. She usually has my elderly parents over on Xmas Day and then either hosts or goes over to my aunt's house on Boxing Day.

My eldest DS has autism, and does not cope with large crowds well, so for the last couple of years, we've tried to keep Christmas quite low key. Last year we went away to DH's family, and this year, we planned to stay at home quietly.

But since DM was so upset, I invited her over to ours on Boxing Day, which she accepted, but only grudgingly. It was quite obvious she didn't consider that to be a family Christmas.

Since then, all has been brushed aside with my aunt and their big Boxing Day shindig is going ahead as normal. A couple of weeks ago DM asked whether she could just come for lunch on Boxing Day only so she could still go to my aunt's. Fair enough, that's her choice, although I was a bit hurt really.

Now she's making it really obvious she things we should be going too. I have said no about twenty times over the last week, but I am getting a LOT of guilt-tripping. It seems every time I speak to her, she's trying a new angle.

Now she wants to take our kids with her, which I just don't want. I know DS1 won't cope, there will be over 20 people in a smallish house, the excitement of presents and all the noise will be too much for him and he will have a huge meltdown at some point. DM is quite naive about his autism and I just don't want to leave her in charge.

She gets very tearful every time I say no, saying I'm ruining Christmas for her as she wants to spend it with the DC (but can't spend the day with them here). She's also saying we're being really rude since everyone has bought DC presents and we owe it to them to let them see the DC open them.

I live less than a 5 min walk from my aunt and I am not exaggerating when I say we NEVER see them. Only at Christmas and birthdays, and then they all sit around with catsbum faces because obviously they hate us so much, which she admitted when she was yelling at DM! So why should I owe anything to them, let alone a stressful Christmas for DS? If they want to see the DC open their presents, they could invite us round separately, or come to ours, but they won't.

Every time this has been brought up, I have been as reasonable as possible with DM and explained my thinking behind my decisions, but she's been in tears to my sisters and generally martyrish, saying how all she does is try to please everyone and how horrible I am for upsetting her so much. Am I being unreasonable to not want to spend a difficult boxing day with someone who hates us?

And to be a teeny bit jealous that DM doesn't consider being at mine on Boxing Day to be a family Christmas?

I spent too many years trying to think up compromises to appease my mother and dragging poor DH along and resenting it. Once it was the children too, I wished I had done something earlier (like I should have done as a teenager).

DN is autistic, so yes, can see why OP does not want to put him in a pointless crappy situation to appease her mother's guilt.

Thanks for responses. To answer Mammanat, Dm and aunt take turns to host on Boxing Day. In the past we have attended, before we had DC and when DS1 was little and pre diagnosis, but the last two years since he has been diagnosed and things have been difficult socially, we have not been. TBH it was always more of an obligation than a pleasure really, as aunt and cousins have made it pretty obvious they don't like us and don't really talk much and are purposefully late when it's DM's turn.

In all honesty, I was a bit miffed that DM wanted to go on Boxing Day, but prepared to accept it was her choice. However, DM is making out like she has no choice, and that really, we don't either, or the DC will be left out of the family Christmas.

I should add that my DSis isn't going either but she isn't getting all this because DNephew is with his dad and that's a better "excuse" she can sell to my aunt.

I suspect Aunt said something about DS's autism being phony during the argument, although DM would never tell me this. When we see them, it's like everyone's on a mission to prove to me that DS can cope and it's just me being overbearing.

For your sons sake alone, I would stick to my guns if I were you.

It would be awful for him and no fun for you either.

Your Mum is being unreasonable.

I suspect Aunt said something about DS's autism being phony during the argument, although DM would never tell me this. When we see them, it's like everyone's on a mission to prove to me that DS can cope and it's just me being overbearing.

My DS has ASD tendencies (no diagnosis). In spite of DM understanding DN's diagnosis, I don't think she ever really understood what I had with DS and blamed me a lot for parenting him differently to what she 'would have done'. It came out in a lot of PA issues - not overtly. I think a lot of people think I am a 'helicopter parent'.

However, DM is making out like she has no choice, and that really, we don't either, or the DC will be left out of the family Christmas.

This is complete nonsense. I suspect that even if you dropped in it wouldn't be good enough as your mum/aunt are clearly too wrapped up in their own drama to think logically.

You can't win so just don't play the game. Let them get on with their saga of martyrdom and guilt, but in their own homes thank you very much.

ok here is my advice
every time your mother brings it up, end the conversation, put the phone down, leave the room, don't answer her questions or implied questions.

If she asks why explain ONCE "you are not listening to my answers so I am wasting my breath talking to you", and then afterwards treat the questions about why you didn't answer the same (i.e. walk away).

This approach has 2 good points
1: it feels great
2: she should get the point.

Your DM is just projecting what she feels about her sister onto you...she cant stand up to her sister so you are the chosen family scapegoat. Its so weak, and it can be really uncomfortable knowing a parent is like that. My parents do this passive-aggressive nonsense all the time and it gets on my last nerve. I stick to my guns..I won't take anybody's issues on board. I don't get on with my DM at all yet she is inviting herself for christmas no doubt just so it looks good to other family members, and her close friends. Im saying no - I want a peaceful day with people I love and cherish, and who are there for me. Its your life..let your DM carry on, she already has her plans for christmas so you stick to yours..plan a nice family christmas, the way in which you want it, and enjoy yourself.

Have you told your Mum you are quite hurt that she would prefer to spend the day with a relative who clearly doesn't like her to her her own DD and family who love her?

See how she likes being guilt-tripped

Your mum sounds every bit as much of a nightmare as your aunt. The only difference is that she does passive aggressive, instead of straightforwardly aggressive like your aunt. YANBU to want to stay well away from both of them at Christmas.

You can't win, as a PP said, so just don't play the game.

Yanbu OP - just stay away. Tell them no thank you - and that's your final answer.
If your mother wants to cringe around the demands of her sister, that's her look out. Trying to force you into complying as well is terrible.

You are most definitely NOT being unreasonable. She is being ridiculous. Take your pick, I would:

Great each request from your mum with stony silence
Great each request from your mum with tear from you about how hard it is to be asked the same question again
Great each request from your mum with the same answer no (broken record is how we would describe it if we were using it with children and she is being a child
Great each request from your mum with a smile and nothing else

Her choice: Christmas lunch with you and kids and stay or Christmas lunch with you and kids and go to her sis, or no Christmas lunch with you and kids and go to her sis all day.

Re presents, say thank you kindly and she can bring them with her or they can be collected after Christmas etc but your kids won't be joining a big family together this year. explain (again) if you to but ultimately I think you already have and so broken record is best!

Good luck. You are RIGHT.

Greet not Great!!!!

Just repeat the word No over and over again. And yanbu!

YANBU - you would be if you put your DS through that just so your mum can continue this rediculous game with her sister.

Can you call your Sister, invite her to yours. you are both not going, this is the year the tradition of your Mum's family and your Aunt's family getting together ends. If you don't see them other times of the year, stop doing it now.

Tell your mum that it's the last time you are discussing it, you are never going to join in the big Boxing day get togethers, you aren't going to your aunts this year and won't join next year if your mum is hosting. You don't like your Aunt or Cousins, your DS doesn't cope with the crowd. Everyone in your family has a crap time just to keep your mum happy, except it doesn't keep her happy because her sister makes her miserable. That she can do what she wants but you won't go no matter how much she tries to guilt trip you into it with tears. (Important you say that bit, make her realise you've realised what she's doing and that tears won't work).

Then do as SaucyMare says, everytime she mentions it, hang up or leave the room, refuse to even have the conversation.

It's only a couple of weeks, once she's realised you won't back down on this, hopefully it'll be easier next year.

I find it a bit odd that your mum even wants to be around someone who was so nasty to her.

I wouldn't want to go either if I were you and nor would I.