To be at my wits end with my DSis

[Sylvana]

I don't want to put this in Relationships incase she sees it. We have always been close but our relationship can be very strained at times. She is 18 months older than me and has always played the role of the elder sister. I am quite happy to let her take charge most of the time. She has many great qualities, is very kind and caring and has been a great help to me in raising my DC. But she can be very difficult to get along with. She is quite controlling, always thinks she knows best, gives lectures etc. I usually ignore, bite my lip, pretend to agree - I try to appease her. She has now gone NC with me over something I suggested. I was trying to help her - she obviously didn't like my suggestion and hasn't contacted me since. She won't be spending anytime with us over Christmas. I'm totally frustrated with her. She has gone NC with me before over the years but on this occasion the reason is such a non-issue I'm beginning to think she has some kind of personality disorder or mental health issue. She takes offence very easily and can hold a grudge forever. I think she must resent me terribly and its a case of the straw that broke the camel's back for her. Any advice would be very welcome. I can't stop thinking about it. Should I just let her be or should I keep trying to reach out to her ?

OP... Why didn't you just say 'yes' when she asked you if it was that you wanted Christmas Day at home with your family?

You sound a bit like my mum, always trying to outthink everybody and manoeuvre them about... and then she gets upset when people won't play ball anymore.

Best to be honest about what you want and ask her to do the same, no scope for disagreement then.

YackityUnderTheMistletoe You must be a ray of sunshine with your family... God forbid they give you a suggestion, they would be "patronising". What is next, "controlling"?
Family is when the no-bullsh*t talks should be the rule.

I don't think you've committed the crime of the century either. It should have been perfectly possible to have a discussion about the practicality of hosting Christmas Day without your dsis flouncing off and getting into a sulk.

If she was pissed off about your suggestion or found it patronising then a sensible person would have said so. Not made a ridiculous NC drama out of it.

Thank you again for all your comments - I am grateful to hear all views. I would never hurt my DSis intentionally, I am very distressed that I have but as DoubleValium pointed out I think the issue lies more with her. Some of you have said I have been patronising - I have taken that on board and will make sure that doesn't happen again.

Of afrenchmaid - then she should have been honest with her sister and said 'I've done a meal that size and it was really hard work, completely stressed me out. But if that's what you want to do, let me know what I can do to help and make it easier for you'.

Helpful, caring, clear, and none of this hedging around passive aggressive nonsense.

And yes, its bloody awful being at the end of this constant 'advice' your whole life. After numerous 'we don't want you to make the same mistakes we have' i told them 'but they are MY mistakes to make, not yours'. And you know what? Some things that were mistakes for THEM were the right choices for ME. We are different people, with different abilities, different likes and dislikes. I thrived in situations they found stressful.

It sounds like she'd decided you were going to go there. I think there was nothing wrong with your discussin. She sounds like hard work.

I don't think you've been patronising at all. But as you can see from the range of replies different people hear/read things in different ways.
You sound perfectly reasonable and have gone through the NC before so just ride the latest wave. |t will pass.

I know she hasn't contacted you but have you contacted her?

I can see that dsis might have been irritated, but to Send You To Coventry for it is ridiculously childish (and this really is Sent-To-Coventry; I reserve No Contact for major long term decisions.)

The OP has said she has visited her sister since then, but that her sister hasn't contacted her at all.

The thing is OP, based on this 1 example it is impossible to tell if you were being pushy or not, whether she was justifiably aggrieved or OTT.

To me, it sounds as though you were the one being bossy, because I have heard almost the identical thing, many times, from my bossy, know it all sisters.

To others, who have a more friendly, open relationship with their sisters, it doesn't sound bossy.

Most of us get along much better now because I've told them to piss off when they were annoying me, and didn't go NC - I DID let contact slide for a bit sometimes when they were really riling me up as it was safer to NOT be in contact than to say things that couldn't be unsaid, but that's not quite the same thing. Is she really going NC or is she just taking 'time out' of the relationship for a bit?

I think you were patronising and she was probably disappointed, why couldn't she do it if you could?! 14 people is hardly feeding the 5000. You and your DM both put down her idea and told her how she should host you all. I think you were rude and should apologise.