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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell ex that he can't have dd on Christmas Day because he's going on a bender on Christmas Eve?

44 replies

18yearstooold · 09/12/2014 21:17

He will still be drunk in the morning and will spend the afternoon either grumpy as hell or asleep

He's only asked today if she wants to go

She's said she thinks she should go because she's spent the last 2 at home (she's 11)

I've told him unless he stops drinking early, is not hungover and commits to a time to get her, then he can bog off

AIBU?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2014 21:44

Dixie, where did the OP mention driving?

Bulbasaur · 09/12/2014 21:45

11 is too young to understand the implications of having to babysit a drunk parent. On that basis alone she is not mature enough to decide and you need to decide for her.

Give him an ultimatum. No drinking or no daughter.

Simple. Easy to remember. Incredibly reasonable.

HonestLie · 09/12/2014 21:47

Ok, I suggest you sit down with DDS and find out whether she wants to go or feels obliged to start with.

If she wants to go you have to tell him someone sober is to collect her, if you get one whiff of booze then it isn't happening.

If she doesn't really want to go, problem solved.

HonestLie · 09/12/2014 21:49

Sorry not someone sober - him sober

Bulbasaur · 09/12/2014 21:54

If she wants to go you have to tell him someone sober is to collect her, if you get one whiff of booze then it isn't happening.

Why sober to collect her? There should be a sober person present the entire time she's there. There's nothing wrong with a few drinks on holiday, but if he's over the legal limit for driving, that's too much. She shouldn't have to be dealing with a drunk parent that has sole charge of her on Christmas day. End of.

Ethical reasons aside, if something happens to DD and you knew he was going to be drunk, you could get in trouble for knowingly sending her to an unsafe environment. It's not a matter of him getting violent, it's if there's an emergency, the adult's judgement is clouded and DD may not know what to do and get injured from someone completely avoidable.

Is there a girlfriend or someone that will be sober and capable of looking after her?

Drunk adults are something only adults should have to deal with. Not an 11 year old child.

4yoniD · 09/12/2014 21:58

tell him you will breathalise (sp?) him on arrival. You can get over the counter breathalisers, can't you? Tell all concerned that if he passes, he gets to take your daughter, if he fails you call the police and have him arrested for drink driving.

aermingers · 09/12/2014 21:58

Tell him he comes and collects her in a taxi or she can't go. I'm not absolutely certain how you can be so sure he's going on a 'bender' either. Have you actually asked him and he's said 'Yes I'm going out to get plastered' or are you just making an assumption?

I have to say I'm feeling a bit sorry for this little girl. I just get the impression that because you and your DD1 don't like this man you're making her feel guilty for wanting to spend time with him.

Not wanting her to go in a car with someone who is drink driving is of course absolutely correct. But there are ways around that, a taxi or he could get a lift with a relative. And I think the whole 'If you decide you want to come home me and your sister are going to have to spend Christmas Day traipsing around after you' is a guilt trip too far. Let her know if she goes she'll need to stay. Agree with your ex that if he has drunk so much he may be over the limit someone else will drive.

I'm really not entirely convinced that you can say he's going on a 'bender' anyway.

Shockers · 09/12/2014 21:59

Will he be cooking a dinner?

I would probably advise an 11 yr old to relax at home for the day. Have Christmas lunch at home (if it's being served before 3ish), then spend the evening and have a sleepover at her dad's if that's what she wants.

If he's sober enough to drive by that time.

Original poster

18yearstooold · 09/12/2014 22:00

Possibly his 18 year old niece as she is usually around on Christmas Day but might be going to her boyfriend's

Ex and his family like to drink at Christmas

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 09/12/2014 22:01

I agree aermingers

Original poster

18yearstooold · 09/12/2014 22:04

I haven't said anything to her other than if she wants to go she can

She sees him as much or as little as she likes, sometimes that is every week, other times it can be a month or so

I'm assuming bender as having known him for 18 years I've never known him have a drink or two, he will go out with £100 in his pocket and keep drinking until its gone

OP posts:

aermingers · 09/12/2014 22:27

His family might like a drink at Christmas but that doesn't mean every single member of his family will be over the limit on Christmas Day. I think you need to ring and talk to him and say you are concerned he is going out and you want him to arrange an alternative driver.

You can't breathalyse him, you're not the police and have no authority to do that against his will. I really think it is overstepping the mark asking an ex to do that. You really sound like you just don't want her to go.

Presumably he hasn't been done for drink driving before so he doesn't habitually drive after a bender? Maybe he just has the sense not to do that. The police are out in force on Christmas morning breathalysing. Maybe he normally goes on benders but has enough sense not to do it the night before he has his daughter for Christmas for the first time in two years. I also don't think it's that uncommon for kids to have a parent a bit hungover on Christmas morning and drinking on the day itself. It sounds like there will be other family there too. Just talk to him, tell him you're worried about him being over the limit, ask if someone else can drive.

It just seems like there are far too many alternatives available to just make it a straight 'no'.

Original poster

18yearstooold · 09/12/2014 22:40

I haven't suggested breathalysing him

He's not been done for drunk driving but has had his licence removed previously due to the number of points but that was several years ago

All of his family drink to excess at Christmas -I have spent many Christmases with them

I'm not saying no dd is sleeping on it i'm just saying he needs to not get pissed he's missed several events due to being hung over and he needs to commit to a time

I genuinely don't think that's too much to ask

OP posts:

cabbageandgravy · 09/12/2014 22:51

I wonder if he might regret this idea? Are you on good enough terms to suggest to him thatif he tries to combine late night with morning visit not much fun for him so maybe he wd prefer taking dd to a 'thing' on boxing day (skating or something?) that they couldn't do on the 25th?

Original poster

18yearstooold · 09/12/2014 22:53

We aren't on good terms at all

Certainly not at the point we can have a discussion

OP posts:

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 09/12/2014 22:58

I would strongly discourage dd not to go.

Christmas only happens once a year and I don't think it would be any fun for her with a hung over parent who will not be able to make Christmas fun for her.

My DC get the raw end with me working, but DH is home and he enjoys making Christmas fun for them.

HonestLie · 09/12/2014 23:22

Well there was no mention of drinking on the day. To be honest I usually have a bit of a sore head on Xmas morning and all my family have a drink during the course of the day too.

I don't see that in itself as an issue. Drinking excessively and drink driving however would be my biggest concern.

See what your daughter says tomorrow and take it from there.

Shockers · 09/12/2014 23:24

You bloody could ask him to take a breathalyser test if you were sending your 11yr old DD as a passenger in his car and you suspected him to be over the limit!

slithytove · 10/12/2014 08:43

Still drunk the next morning = not fit to look after a child

She is old enough to know this
Is he guilting her into being with him

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