i think my ds hates me

[ithoughtofitfirst]

Just that really.

I've tried finding threads and information on this but haven't had much joy so apologies if this has been done to death.

He's 2 and 7 months. I'm a sahm and have had a really amazing relationship with him so far but i've just had another baby (she's 6 weeks) and he now seems to absolutely hate my guts. Everything i do seems to piss him off and he objects to everything i do (eg turning on a lamp he'll scream noooooo turn it ooooff), he pushes me and tells me to go away, he won't even let me go near him even to put his clothes on. He doesn't do it with anyone else.

I know being generally a cornhole is pretty classic terrible twos but this just feels personal. Aibu to be taking this really personally? It's just such a shock to have gone from best friends to this overnight . I struggle with depression anyway so i'm not coping very well with the constant rejection.

I've been treating him the same as before, still making sure we do fun things together and not snapping at him or anything. I just want him to know i love him just the same but the way he's acting makes me worry he thinks i don't live him anymore iyswim

He loves you, that's the problem. His world has been rocked and having to share his mummy is inconceivable, especially as he has been the centre of your world. My Ds is same age and not struggling with sibling rivalry and he spends most of every day screaming about this or that.. He wants boots not shoes, he can't wait for anything, he howls when every single ceebies show finishes, he screams to get up and screams to go to bed bla bla bla. My ears are ringing but I don't think he is a particularly usual toddler. Have some or chocolate, they are a tough crowd.

I think it is a combination of the terrible twos and a little jealousy regarding the new baby. It must be really hard but your d's doesn't hate you. He's just being a toddler. Could your oh take the baby for an hour and give you some alone time together?

When they are been horrible to you it does feel personal. My DS at that age was a DS for everyone else and I was tearing my hair out. It was simply I was a safe person to let it all out at. He has grown up to be a very loving sensitive little boy.. Children often regress with new babies.

It will get better

It sounds like he's feeling the change of dynamics of not being the 'special one' with the new 'stranger' in the house.

Let him help you with the new baby as much as possible and tell him how important his help is but don't leave them alone as he may take his confused jealousy out on the baby.

You sound like you know what you are doing already by spending the separate time with him. I'm guessing he'll grow out of this.

He doesn't hate you, he loves you very much - that's the problem!

I imagine being a two year old is hard enough, trying to figure the world out and test boundaries, and on top of all that he's gone from having you all to himself to having to share you with a tiny stranger.

It's a phase, I promise it will pass. Just keep doing what you're doing and if possible have someone take care of the baby for an hour or so and spend some time alone with him. He will adjust soon enough

His world has changed. He feels safe with you and so he can show his real feelings. But also you are giving a lot of love and attention to a new little person other than him so he is really jealous and confused too.
Ds1 was 2,5 when Ds2 arrived. He was very jealous. Asked me 'when is Ds2 going back to the hospital'. Wasn't too pleased when I explained he was here to stay.
My approach was to get Ds1 a present from ds2 to say " thanks for being my big brother". I tried to give Ds 1 as much attention as I could when Ds 2 was asleep. When feeding etc I would read to Ds 1 or talk to him.
I encouraged Ds to to help - take nappies off, getting a toy. He also went off with Dh for special big boy time.
I NEVER left them alone. It would have been too dangerous for Ds2.
It got better, it took time, but weeks not months. Now many years on they adore each other.

He DOES NOT HATE YOU, quite the opposite!

I have been there with ds, and there's a slightly smaller gap between him and dd. I would say he would be going through tantrum stage anyway and is jealous of the new baby but instead of taking it out on his sister he is taking it out on you (I personally think its easier like this, I think in practical terms it could be a nightmare if I had to be supervising him near dd 100% of the time) As a PP said you were his "anchor" and now he has to share your attention.

Remember that tantrums are perfectly normal, their little bodies get pumped with adrenaline and it needs a release soit's nothing personal(hard to remember when you are listening to them scream, I know!). He is testing all the boundaries to make sure you still love him no matter what, even when he misbehaves.

Once the tantrum has started I think the best thing is to let them cry/scream it out but tell them you can see he is upset and you are there for him once he calms down (don't leave him alone while he cries, you can sit on the floor close to him for example, don't leave the room unless necessary) After he calms down then you can give him a cuddle talk to him about what he wanted, why it wasn't possible, what the rules are, etc.

It is also important to phrase things carefully using "we" as in "we don't hit" rather than "don't hit me", so that it sounds more "universal law" rather than something directed solely at him.

I would also try to get some 1 to 1 with him if you don't already even if its 10 minutes at a time, with no distractions at all (phone, etc.) and tell him it's special ds and mummy time (I even "tell" the baby, "sorry dd, you can't do this now it's just for ds and mummy"). Dd is now 9 months and I would say Ds is back to his normal self, and he not only had a new sibling, but has gone from being with me all day to starting school for 5 hs a day since September, so I would say he is done quite well really. I had days when I shouted at him and was a lot harsher than I would have been before, so he's done better than me really!

Just remember he loves you and he needs you more than anyone else, he will get there with a bit of time and reassurance.

Thanks for replying everyone.

I do feel better reading your stories and tips. The weirdest thing is that he absolutely adores dd. Which i suppose is lucky really.

I really like the 'we' tip. I will be using that with immediate effect!

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this, having a toddler and a new baby can be really challenging for anyone but if you've got a history of depression it can be extra hard and leave you more vulnerable. Your DS is only two, that's so young and I worry that if you attribute his behaviours (which sound perfectly normal for a toddler especially one who's dealing with a new sibling) to hating you you'll push yourself further down and difficulties in your relationship with your DS will become a self fulfilling prophesy. Are you receiving any professional support around the depression at the moment? Lots of local primary care talking therapies services in England have therapists with a special interest and specialist training in perinatal mental health, do you think you could do with a bit of extra support around this?

I recently had a similar situation with DS when he was 2.5 I had DD and we moved house to be nearer to my family. He used to tell me 'I don't need you' and sometimes ' I don't love you' but then if he was ever upset he would want me to comfort him. It is really hard and I struggled with feeling guilty about moving - the house and garden are not as nice or big as the old one.
It got worse at around 3 months when DD would only sleep in the day if in the sling or being held and was not sleeping much at night so I was tired so did snap a lot.
I now make an effort not to shout (although it doesn't always work) and now DD is 7 months and crawling DS likes to play with her. He also likes to listen to her babbling away and says she is telling him 'baby things'.
It does get better and easier but I understand how much it hurts at the time.

Aw like the otheres have said of course her adored you he's just had a bit of a shock.

Do exactly as you are but would just add that even with all this going in you do need to have a hard limit of what is acceptable.

In our house no one was ever allowed to say 'I hate you'. It's a horrible phrase and needs stamping on whatever the age.

Don't let your sympathy for him allow yourself to put up with behaviour that tops over the edge of acceptable.

You sound like you know that though. Things will definatly improve as the baby gets more interesting to him and they can play together.

Does your ds go to playgroup/nursery? He may need fresh challengers.

Hope it helps to hear that his behaviour and your feelings are completely normal op.

Pretty sure this is normal. After I had my second, the health visitor specifically said to me 'is your son pushing you away yet'. Think it's their way of showing their frustration that they have to share you now. Try talking to him about his feelings, how you know it's hard to share etc but he's still your special boy. Don't rise to the bad behaviour.

Thank you.

I can't say how helpful you're all being and how much better i feel. It is great to hear it's normal. But i think when i'm reading your replies i'm thinking 'yeah but i bet it was normal sibling rivalry or an age thing for you but i bet ds doesn't like me and never really did'. I know it's really silly though.

He does go to nursery once a week and swimming lessons whats and i've noticed him start to take authority from other people better than he used to. He just gets on with it now. Which is great to see cause it makes me feel better about him going to school.

I know what you mean about self fulfilling prophecy ilove i think that's why i want to just work out how i'm going to deal with it (even if it means doing nothing different) and just be consistent as i go forward. And just have some faith that it will improve.