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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In not taking 2 year old dd to see dh family at xmas?

43 replies

CountingThePennies · 09/12/2014 12:21

MIL and BIL live 2 hours drive away one way. This is without any delays with traffic etc.

We very rarely see dhs family. They never come to us (they both have a car) and tbh we always go to them when we do see them.

We trvel to see them maybe twice a year.

I have always felt that when they have see dd that they take no interest in her.

Every year we take dhs mum, brother, nephew and grandfather out for a xmas meal.

It works out very expensive when we do this and i sort of resent taking everyone out when we dont get anything back. They have never bought dd a card or gift etc.

Dhs grandfather lives 3 hours away from mil and bil but 1 hour 20 mins away from us. Grandad has said he doesnt want to travel all that way for a meal driving on his own. Dh has suggested we pick him up on the way to mil so grandad would only have to drive an hour or so rather than the 3 hours.

Doing this would mean doing an extra half hour detour each way making the total time in the car 5 hours.

We have suggested they come to us but they always say they cannot afford the fuel so we would have to pay their fuel to come to us as well as pay for the meal out.

Anyway my point is that i think 5 hours in a car in one day for a just 2 year old is too much.

I dont feel dd gets any benefit from seeing them as they dont take any interest in her or talk to her etc.

My mother has offered to have dd for the day (she lives 5 mins away from us).

Dh is not happy that i have agreed for my dm to have dd for that day.

Dh says that his family will want to see dd for xmas and its not fair to not take her.

Is dh being unreasonable to expect dd to sit in a car for 5 hours when imo she doesnt get any benefit from it.

Or aibu to leave dd with my mother and me and dh travel down on our own?

OP posts:

ASunnyTiger · 09/12/2014 13:32

If they genuinely don't have the money but would be willing to do the travelling if you financed it then for the sake of my DH I'd go with that option. Despite how you feel (and I do sympathise with you) it is important to your DH to try to facilitate a relationship between his family and your DD. Five hours is a long time but do-able with young children (my FIL lives 2 hours away, my mum's side 2 hours away and my grandad 3 hours - we're well versed in long journeys). However, since you'd be spending the money anyway it seems better just to give it to them and save yourself the hassle of long journeys with a potentially fractitious toddler. It should also mean - as their houses are the reason for eating out - you could save money by cooking the roast instead and entertain at your's (your house, your rules, no smoking in it!)

BarbarianMum · 09/12/2014 13:35

Invite them to yours, or meet halfway. Paying for their fuel and cooking a meal would be much cheaper than paying their way.

5 hours in the car was certainly not doable when mine were 2. Not all children will sit placidly in the car - mine cried, screamed and got car sick.

Flywheel · 09/12/2014 13:43

Yep. Agree with others. Give them fuel money and let them come to you. Same cost for you but much less hassle. And if you're up for cooking, even cheaper again

Original poster

CountingThePennies · 09/12/2014 13:46

The xmas meal is their xmas present from us as they never eat out.

I will mention it to dh about them coming to us and paying their fuel.

OP posts:

Sprink · 09/12/2014 13:53

I stopped reading after learning they've never given her a card or present and don't engage with her.

Are you absolutely sure they know you had a child two years ago?

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/12/2014 14:12

"Dh says that his family will want to see dd for xmas and its not fair to not take her."
"He says that they are interested in her but just dont show it, its just the way they are according to him."

'Just the way they are'. Bollocks to that. They don't want to see her, otherwise they would see her more than twice a year. And if that's all they do see her, then they are strangers to your daughter and she is getting nothing from meeting them.

She's 2, that length of time in a car is unfair. It's time for your DH to starting thinking of his daughter rather than his at-arms-length family. I think I would insist that they travel to you ('so nice to have you round for a change'), and offer them the petrol money. With that excuse removed, your DH will be able to see just how interested they are in seeing him and his daughter, as opposed to how interested they are in being taken out for a free meal.

Kewcumber · 09/12/2014 14:17

Either meet somewhere closer that's more convenient to everyone, offer them petrol money for the shorter distance and pay for a cheaper meal if money is tight.

Or pay them petrol money to come to you and do something for lunch at your home.

Kewcumber · 09/12/2014 14:18

Anyone who thinks 2.5 hours is not a long journey for a 2 year old has a differnt 2 year old to my DS!

Aeroflotgirl · 09/12/2014 14:24

YAnbu at all, why would you put a child through all that journey, they sound very indifferent towards her. Tell DH how you feel, thus us the way it's going to be done this year. Invite them to yours, if they really wanted to come they would.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/12/2014 14:26

'They are interested ib her but don't show it' means they are not! If they were they would act on it!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/12/2014 14:37

Get them all to come somewhere local to you that your DD is familiar with.
Offer to pay the mileage, not a full tank of petrol !

Or get Grandad to drive to you [or DH picks him up without you and DD, then drops him back later if he can't/won't stay over] and you leave from your house. It's twice a year but a 5 hr straight trip in the car is a little unnecessary for a 2yr old. She'll be a right PITA when you get there whereas 2 hrs at the right time of day and she'll have napped and be ready for lunch.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/12/2014 14:38

Why should you do all the running, your dd is not an ornament to be admired! Either they come to you, or nothing! Are they poor, why do you need to pay fuel money for them! Time to be assertive, to them and your DH!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 09/12/2014 14:45

They have never bought dd a card or gift etc.

So they really arent interested in DD then. I would stay home with DD and let DH go.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 09/12/2014 15:00

As SpicyBear said, better for your dd not to see them, than to be forced to visit and realise they're not interested in her. This is not going to get easier as your dd gets older, really its not.

Invite them to yours. If they decline, say oh well, your choice.

How many ciggies would they have to cut back on to be able to afford petrol for a yearly trip to see their beloved granddaughter? Not that many ...

Original poster

CountingThePennies · 09/12/2014 15:04

Regarding not getting dd a gift or card ever..

Dh has never had a gift or card from his mum past the age of 16.

Mil was a practising jevonahs witness many years ago. However doesnt follow it now as much.

They dont have alot, all furniture is second hand etc, only flush the toilet after a poo to save on the cost of water etc so i can undertstand them not wanting to fork out £30 in fuel if thats alot of money to them.

I have suggested dh goes on his own. He doesnt want to do this apparently.

I will suggest they come to us, if not i think i will leave dd with my dm

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 09/12/2014 15:11

Yes good idea, they can show their love in other ways. Why do all the running when they don't appear to care. I woukd hate to take my child all that way, they not bother with her.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/12/2014 15:14

Exactly jelly. They can't be tgat poor if they smoke. Can't spare a little card or small present for dd, says a lot about their priorities.

SweetsForMySweet · 09/12/2014 17:10

YANBU but neither is your Dh, it's your dh's family ABU. I would not like to spend 5 hours in a car with a 2 year old. The problem is that your dh wants your dd to know his family and his family have very little interest/can't be bothered to make any effort to spend time with your dd or your family. If you do take your dd with you, I would stay over and I would not be paying for their meals. Either they cook at home/eat out without them or they pay for their own when you eat out if they come with you.

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