Premature baby 'time' lost...AIBU?

[Darkandstormynight]

Now this happened quite some time ago (13 years) but always been wondering if it was unreasonable to feel this way.

Ds was 'premature' by one month according to dr. records. I had a very easy pregnancy, wasn't sick, etc. etc. Enjoyed being pregnant even. Had 1 mc before ds was conceived.

Dr's 'sure' ds was to be born in January. He wasn't, was born in December exactly on the date dh and I had calculated but had believed Dr.'s that dd would be born a month later. So ds comes along, has healthy birth, everything went fine, so of course feel blessed. Come to find out Dr.'s admit that birth was 'not' premature. He was full term like we had thought.

But, in the back of my mind I always felt that I had 'missed' out on that last pregnancy month. Never going through a full pregnancy before I believed Dr's. and was prepared for a January birth. I was planning to bf, and never got to go to a lactation consultant before birth (I had chemo previously and it was always a concern I wouldn't be able to bf...and I couldn't,) but years later I realized how unprepared I was and if I could have educated myself better in time I would have been more successful. I'm very much a 'planning' kind of person. Had 'planned' many more things for that last month too, not just bf.

Anyway, when ds was 8 mos. I conceived again. I was older mum with very ticking clock and dh and I decided to try and were successful. But instead of my brain 'registering' a new conception, it got stuck on that I was 'finishing' up my last pregnancy. I don't know if that makes any sense. I was 10 weeks in and I mc again.

This time dh and I decided to wait to try again. Unfortunately, because of my early chemo I went into full menopause at 40, so no more babies. I feel blessed to have had ds, and although sad of course with mc's, I really never thought that I'd be even able to have children. But I always wondered if I BU or just 'strange' that I mourned my loss of time with my full term pregnancy.

I understand what you mean op, though I have not experienced it myself.

I think that is a little bit strange, yes. Your baby presumably had no issues when he was born.

But, your feelings are your feelings, rightly or wrongly.

Not exactly the same at all but I've had several miscarriages and I remember being pregnant after one really shocking and horrible one - when I had got to 12 weeks and felt everything was going to be ok - having this weird feeling that I was pregnant with the wrong baby. I wanted MY baby. I didn't want that one. As it was I too went on to miscarry again. Hormones do strange things to us I guess.!

Honestly, I think it is a bit strange myself. But when I got pregnant again (with a very wanted 2nd child) rationally I knew it was another baby...but it was like my mind was "Ahhh. Got that feeling again. Feeling more complete now".

When mc'd second time, like I said I was actually kind of shocked but not devastated. Truthfully, I was terrified that I was having two so close together. So as cringeworthy as this is, after I mc, at first I felt shock and sadness, but then almost relief. And then of course guilt!

My twins came several weeks early and for infertility reasons we won't be having any more. I don't give a hoot about the last month of pregnancy, after five years of fertility treatment to finally be parents was a dream come true. You got an extra month with your lovely baby!

freelancegirl...yes! I know what you are talking about. You are right, it was probably hormones.

YANBU to feel you missed out on the last bit of pregnancy. Many mums of premature babies feel the same, and I think it's normal that you do too, given the circumstances. For me, it wasn't just about organisation, or lack thereof; it was a visceral, intimate grief/denial that my pregnancy had ended.

However, you were lucky enough to have a full-term healthy baby, so you'll probably find that most prem mums reading this will find your OP a bit confusing. For example, my DS was born weighing 2lbs 10oz and was in NICU/SCBU for two months, so my 'loss of pregnancy', heartbreaking though it was, comes very low down on the list of things I found traumatic about that time.

about the chemo, MCs and early menopause. That's really rough.

UntamedByName thank you. Actually I'm just really glad to be alive. But you are right, truly premature mums I truly don't mean any disrespect at all. I truly know how lucky we turned out to be and I hope my post wasn't offensive.

In the nicest possible way, if you are feeling this way so long afterwards you really ought to seek professional help to manage these feelings.

Families thank you. Fortunately, these feelings only come around ds' birthday any more, (he just turned 13). It's only once a year that I really still feel like this and only for a few moments. I guess it was on my mind again because I've spend the morning putting away the birthday decorations.

I've had similar feelings OP.

My situation was different, but I totally understand the feeling of something isn't quite right, without necessarily being able to explain why.

Dc1 was an emergency caesarean. The bottom line is that I have a happy health child (followed by a sibling a few years later). However, there is something about the birth which feels sad. It isn't something I dwell on, it isn't logical, but it's there.

Your feelings are perfectly understandable. And 13 years later you still feel this way. You missed out. In the big scheme of things it's small but it matters to you. No-one else can make this right for you. Is there anyone in particular you'd like to acknowledge your loss? Do you think a counselling session would help? Do you need to buy something - a garden sculpture, something concrete, something you can look at. When things are ephemeral they take up an awful lot of emotional energy. Giving your loss a form might help.

I get it - my first child was 4 weeks early, but my waters broke at 35 weeks exactly. She was small but fine after the first few days, so I didn't have to go through NICU awfulness that time, but I am sad I missed out on resting, preparing, getting excited/frustrated like everyone else I know. Waters broke a day before my mat leave was due to start.

I think you've had a lot of trauma around children and fertility and you've got 'stuck' on this one thing because in all of the stress, it's the one thing you maybe, possibly, potentially, could have controlled.

Have you ever had counselling? Menopause at 40 when you feel your family isn't complete is really, really rough. It's rough enough for me at 43 when my family (of one) is complete.

I was delighted to have 'missed' the last month of my pregnancy with my first, never got the chance the second time round as DS was three weeks late! I do think it's odd to be thinking like this tbh

Despite my last months being a painful drudge of wanting to get it over so I can move and function again, I can understand. I felt so cheated by DS1's EMCS, especially as I'd gone full the full ruddy works of labour. I suppose having a low risk pregnancy with no hint of that unexpected outcome increases the shock elemdent and makes it harder to deal with. I followed up with a VBAC which had iit's own issues, and the ending irritated me, but it's not had the deeper emotional toll because there was a reasonable expectation of a less ideal ending.

Just because it's not necessarily logical, or critical to the grand scheme of things, it doesn't mean that that kind of emotional response is unreasonable. Birth often triggers contrasting emotions.