To be really saddened by this?

[padboz]

It's my 8 year old's birthday today. She asked for some really quite expensive presents, which we talked about together and I ordered over the internet. As it had pretty much hit the family £100 per child limit, I asked DH to pick up some small bits and bobs to wrap - pencils, hair clips etc, I left him to it and didn't think about it again. All her presents from family and friends were all in one pile, which she opened. Then DH went on, out of the blue, to give her the presents 'from Daddy', and there were lots of way over budget items. I felt this looked like I only got shared presents for her, so I tried to explain to DD that I had bought the big presents, but he whispered under his breath 'I didn't realise it was a competition, now I will have to get her something else!'. I feel really sad about this. Am I being unreasonable?

You need to explain to DH that the big ones were from BOTH of you. And that the extras were too. ALL presents are from both.

Do you usually give separate gifts?

Actually every now and then my dad would give me some little presents just from him.. It was really special because he spent most of the time with his head in the clouds so to think of him actually going to a shop and choosing something for me was quite special..

But otherwise I agree with everyone else..

I think you reacted very badly and ended up actually emphasising the awfulness of his behaviour and the split between you/ your present giving activities.

You also managed to involve your child in partner disagreements, which is probably the worst thing about the whole episode. Whatever happens next you will need to address that.

However you were caught on the hop and it's not surprising you didn't have the perfect response to hand. And it's done now so no point in dwelling on it. Soooo, moving on from it swiftly... The core is your DP's rubbish behaviour.

Why did your partner behave in this way - its very odd, not at all normal.

Are you normally in competition with each other for your child's love, attention and status? Or was he trying to get one over on you, point scoring from another unresolved argument? Or on a kinder note, does he feel pushed out and not valued enough as a father?

You need to discuss what happened, why, and why it's harmful for your child to do this to her. His response will define your next steps.

The one thing you cannot do is just carry on with this awful tit for tat behaviour.

Your dd will be very much aware of it, even of you think she's not, and it will be making her feel very insecure and scared for what will happen to her in the future.

Bluuuurdy 'ell

My dh likes to have one present under the tree for the dc which is from him alone and will go and buy something specifically. I always write presents from both of us. This year he hasn't had a chance to get anything so has asked me which of the presents I have chosen can be "from him" . It's annoying but I think in my Dh's case it stems from insecurity not competition so I ignore the idiocy.

I think this is weird too it makes you sound like you are both separated. Our kids would think we'd lost it if we started carrying on like that.

What MiscellaneousAssortment said. How awkward for your DD. Both of you should be ashamed for dragging her into this. Having said that, of the two, your DH should be the most embarrassed. High days and holidays are going to be a right treat in your house if it carries on that way.

I remember a few years back reading a post on here from a married couple who did all their Christmas shopping separately, including for their own children. Some people are strange.

The way you both went on was very weird. Mine just have presents from Mum & Dad, no further explanation. Bizarre behavior from both of you and very awkward for you daughter.

The way you both behaved make it sound as though you are not even together.

Weird, weird, weird.

The reason I posted was that it was so totally out of the blue. We've always done present giving as a couple, and I had no idea that there were these 'extra's. If it were part of some odd dynamic it would be understood that it was part of a unhappy pattern.

The reason I posted was that it was so totally out of the blue. We've always done present giving as a couple, and I had no idea that there were these 'extra's. If it were part of some odd dynamic it would be understood that it was part of a unhappy pattern.

Your DH sounds a prat.

Make sure you tell him this was unacceptable and is never to happen again.

You are both being unreasonable.

It sounds as though he 'started it' (for want of a better term), but your response wasn't ideal and clearly made things much worse because you drew attention to the disparity by involving your daughter instead of dealing with your husband separately.
However the misunderstanding came about, the only important thing is how the situation is to be resolved. Have you actually discussed it now? What did your husband say?

First of all, your daughter is a very lucky girl to get so many presents! I am sure she will have a lovely birthday with them and will not really be too fussed about who exactly bought what! Please do not worry about the effect this "dispute" with your husband will have on her - if the family situation is normally a loving and caring one from both of you, it won't have any effect on her whatsoever!

However, my sympathies are completely with you over the present buying and handing over. You bought all the major presents, keeping within your budget, and specifically asked your husband to buy a few little top-up items, intending all the gifts to be joint ones from you both. This is normal! Your husband then buys some expensive independent gifts and presents them to your daughter exclusively from him - so that it looks as if hes being particularly generous compared to everyone else includung you! I don't blame you for feeling hurt and instinctively trying to equalise things by claiming the other presents were from you. Obviously, with hindsight, you know you should have remained calm and said they were all from you both but you were unexpectedly put in a false position so I don't blame you in the least. It was your husband who broke family unity with his insistence in claiming his presents were just from him.

Make a pact to make everything joint next year. Wrap all the gifts at the same time, no matter who bought them, and sign them from you both. But don't let this get in the way of enjoying your daughter's birthday!