to be dreading this but think my house, my DC, my rules?

[unlucky83]

My 'MIL' (not married but been together for 20 yrs) is coming for a visit.
She lives overseas and this will be the third time she has visited.
She was emotionally and physically abusive to DP when he was a child and he was no contact for years but decided for himself not to be bitter. She did have a hard life, DP's dad was an alcoholic who used to beat her etc...and she had MH problems - not much of an excuse but some. She phones him every so often, he won't phone her. She did mention she might come to visit and DP said fine, she phoned last Thursday saying she is coming tomorrow for 4 days. A major hassle - she will stay with us (suggested a hotel to DP but he said that would be awkward for her) my house is in chaos, floors need mopping, presents need buying and DCs have got Christmas stuff, parties, extra performances etc. And I will have to rearrange everyone's sleeping arrangements to make space for her. To cap it all I've hurt my back (again!) and have a stinking cold.

When she came before DP tried to avoid her -worked a lot etc and I found her really hard work. She doesn't speak English and she has no real interest in the DDs....very selfish eg got bored when DD's were at a pleasant outdoor play area and lied so we had to leave within 5 mins of getting there. DD's had to hang around the house instead, she didn't want us to go out without her! She didn't help, just made work for me etc. DP has taken time off this time (after I threatened to go to a hotel instead) but he does find it difficult to put his foot down with her (bear in mind she used to terrorise him.)

All this is a bad enough but what is really getting to me is she has become religious. Their background is Muslim but DP wasn't brought up with any faith - for eg they ate pork, never set foot in a mosque etc. She has taken to sending DP religious texts, copies of the Koran, how to pray books etc. She has asked if the DDs have been to the mosque (DP doesn't even know where it is!)
I was brought up christian but am a non believer - (although my DCs go to the local Sunday school, have done for years - the people at the church know I don't believe, it is just across the road, I thought it would be good for DD1 to learn about religion - but they love going, really like the leader (who has watched DD1 grow up) - I do feel awkward sometimes but don't think it is a major problem)
I used to be able to talk to MIL, ignoring the language difficulties, but have found it increasing difficult. For example she once phoned to speak to DP and then we had a 'little chat' - how was I, did I eat well? did I eat meat? did I eat ham - did DP eat ham? and then how we mustn't, pigs were dirty animals etc. She got her friend to phone me and ask if DP was circumcised 'in the muslim way' (he is - she got him done at 11-12 or something - she can't remember - I posted on here about it at the time - I was so shocked!)
Finally she has told DP that she thinks I don't let him speak to her - don't tell him when she has called. That I am opening his post and not giving him the things she sends....(none of which is true)
I am planning on trying to keep the peace but suspect we are going to fall out. I think part of the reason she is coming is to stop my bad influence on DP ..or even to make me see the errors of my ways.
I know it is only 4 days but AIBU to think my house, my rules and if she doesn't like she can go to a hotel.... I am dreading this, don't like confrontation.
To be clear this is not specifically anti-Islam - I'm sure I'd feel the same if she was a born again Christian or a Jehovah's witness or Jewish etc trying to stick her beliefs down my throat...

You are enabling her. And enabling your husband to offload her onto you.

You know how she operates. Have responses at the ready. You can blame lack of common language whilst you formulate responses.

Yes MIL, we eat x and y in this house.

Yes MIL, there is a Cafe over there but we just ate lunch and wont be eating again until 5. I brought drink with me.

Yes MIL, we've come out at your insistence, if you need your medicine, then the number 4 bus goes from that bus stop.

Yes MIL, we came out at your insitnce and we are not going home until the kids have finished playing. If you need to speak to your son, the number is 07xxx xxxxxx.

Oh dear. Sounds hellish, but 4 days is do-able. Make sure you remind her to bring her heart medicine with her every time you go out, so she can't use that excuse, at least.

But yabu to send your kids to Sunday school as a non believer.

Why? I think this displays a laudable refusal on the part of the op to foist her own beliefs (or lack of) onto her children.

As laudable as my own decision not to bring my children up as vegetarians, when I was one myself.

And paying for things - we are definitely expected to. It is a different culture thing - children support their parents ...he won't but I am sure DP is 'supposed' to pay for her flights etc.
(I find it odd cos I have to fight with my dad to stop him paying for everything...)

Good luck!

Sounds like a plan to become at least culturally CofE and enjoy the christmas spirit whilst she is there... certainly don't let her foist her beliefs onto your dc when you are doing so well to let them develop their own ones (and even if they don't believe in CofE either, there is a lot to be said for having a safe and nurturing group over the road for them to attend, especially if they get a lot from it)

It's good that you've got dh at home to support each other through the visit - I'd be very tempted to treat her a bit like a naughty toddler and if she tries to pull anything on trips out to spoil things then to just say tough, we won't be here for too much longer, you just need to smile and stop spoiling things for your dgc. And definitely check she has all her medicine with her before going out so she can't pull that trick again - and warn her that if she loses it then an hour or three won't make that much of a difference to having to have it late so she can wait for it...

Worth remembering that if you are in a town with a Boots in (and maybe other chemists do it too) that if you go to the pharmacist and say you have lost your medicine they will often be able to give you a tablet.

Can't remember the exact details of the service and quite how it works if you're from out of the country, but I remember going away with my mum to a wedding and she discovered she had left her tablets behind. They were able to give her enough for her stay, they wrote it in a book to send to her doctor I assume, can't remember if there was a charge. But even if they couldn't give her anything, they might at least be able to reassure her/you that she doesn't have to make you drop everything and sprint back home just at the most inconvenient point!

I think you'll have to have a few key phrases on high repeat about not lecturing the children about religion, about how your DH makes his own decisions about XYZ etc. But perhaps the key phrase will be "if you are not comfortable in our home and with the way we do things, we can take you to the XYZ hotel, where you will be most comfortable". And mean it.

4 days is nothing. My MIL arrives on Sunday for 6 weeks.

She sounds like a thoroughly objectionable person. There is no need to tread on eggshells around odious people, no need at all. If she starts playing up, just tell her she is no longer welcome to stay.

What's the worst thing that can happen...?

6 weeks - wouldn't bear thinking about ...(and the snow is supposedly on its way - she could get stranded - but then we can say it would be best if she was in an hotel next to the airport 50 miles away as soon as possible - in case flights are running but we can't get her to the airport )
Was feeling positive ...I can do this and it might be a good time of year for her to come after all - I do have to be out a lot the next few days...and DCs have lots on the evening (and it is too late to get her tickets for school shows etc and they are rationed anyway...)

Then my heart sinks when I think of the reality...still it is only four days. DP will heading off in a couple of hours to get her and I'm trying to tidy up, make space, change sheets...

You don't have to do anything because she wants it, you know. She's in your house, using your money to go out etc. Just run life as normal, invite her to come if she wants/stay if she doesn't. Physically check for the heart medicine when you leave each time, and tell her if she forget anything she can catch the bus back for it. Then get on with your day. Her behaviour in the past hasn't warranted any special guest treatment, so don't give it to her. If she objects, offer to drop her off at a hotel near the airport and help her arrange a flight back home sooner.

Its 4 days and only her 3rd visit in 20yrs, it could be much much worse OP. YANBU to say your house, your rules in the least. Practice a big vacant smile and a party line of exactly that 'my house, my rules dear MIL...more tea?'

I don't understand why you are all trying to have a relationship with her

Relationships should be mostly positive. If they make you feel unhappy then disengage. Can you just tell her not to come? You don't want her to come and your dh doesn't want to see her.

I don't get this at all.

If she is annoying you just go out, say you have an appointment. You do NOT have to take her with you.

Say you are getting your hair cut/massage/doctors, anything to get away from the old bag.

Set firm boundaries and hopefully she won't want to come again

Why on earth did you encourage dh to have a relationship with his abuser?

I really feel for your dp. You're dreading her because she's a difficult pita. He's probably terrified because his childhood is running through his head. No way would I let her set foot in his safe place, his home. She doesn't need accommodating, she needs to fuck off.

What FunkyBoldRibena said plus one. Don't go anywhere without asking her to show you that she has thus alleged heart medicine and then offwr to carry it for her. And tell her casually that she's lucky to have chosen a time when you were at home, you really need six weeks' notice . . . which will give you time to arrange to be away!

I think your MIL is experiencing some kind of guilt for not practicing & bringing her son up in her faith earlier hence the new found religious zeal now. She is trying tp rectify her neglect now but it is too late. She was married to an alcoholic, ate pork and didn't practice herself & now has seen the light & is trying to spiritually rescue her son. She has made a mess of his upbringing

Posted toi soon.This reaction often happens when people become religious and try to convert everyone in sight.

I would teach your kids about both sides of their religious heritage and leave it to them if they want to take it further when they grow up.

Your mil doesn't understand that faith comes from belief & personal conviction not from guilt tripping and projecting her inadequacies. She probably feels bad that her son hasn't married a muslim and her gc aren't being brought up as muslims hence her behaviour. Its too late for her to have any influence over her son judging from her previous behaviour.

Ok, it's 4 days. Just 4 days. Keep repeating that!

Plan it like a military operation so that no one is left alone to entertain her for too long. I wouldn't make too many religious adjustments for her but I guess it's not had to avoid pork and visible alcohol for 4 days.

Is it 4 days including the ones where she arrives and leaves?

I wouldn't be having her step foot in my house. If DP wants a relationship with her, he can arrange it.

She stays in a hotel, DP visits, and you all meet for a meal in a family friendly location or something.

Oh heavens.Good luck. Does she like television/dvds? You could stick it on for her, especially if you have anything in her own language.

Is there anyone in your area who speaks her language who could pop round and keep her company for an afternoon?

Good luck.

4 days? So does she leave on Thursday/Friday?

Totally doable I think especially since the kids are at school. By the time you've done school runs and general household stuff half the day is gone.
Get DP to take her out while he is off - she probably only wants to see him really anyway.

I would use the visit to do two things:
Get DP to think about the visit and use it to establish what he is going to get out of a continuing relationship with his mother. If they don't get one/can't find any common ground and having her around stresses him out then he needs to decide whether to continue to have visits. You can't support him if he doesn't know what he wants.
Set out your own ground rules. If I had someone in my home who couldn't or wouldn't eat a particular foodstuff then I would try to avoid serving it. Why give yourself the hassle? Equally so, if she refuses to go out adn you need to do stuff then sorry, but "this is how to work the TV/internet" and here's a map of the area if you want to take a walk.
I'd also give her directions to a local mosque if there is one. And a number of a cab firm. But it's 4 days.

People often become more religious or "return to the faith" as they get older. Irritating but for 4 days I'd personally let it wash over me with a "that's nice" and a shrug. I've had plenty of practice though If she is taking exception to your children being raised in another faith/in no faith then she can take it up with your partner. Just refuse to discuss it, nicely.

If she's abusive, all bets are off. Call her on it and send her packing if necessary.

First The cat I encouraged it because it helped him to escape. I don't know if I can explain it. His upbringing and what happened to him wasn't anything to do with him - it wasn't his fault, he wasn't to blame.
She did have a truly terrible time...she was married at around 15, had 4 boys by the age of 20. At 17, with 2 children they moved country, she had no family, no friends, didn't even speak the language. DP's dad was an abusive alcoholic, beat her, DP saw it. She hated her children, probably because she was 'trapped' because of them. DP is the youngest, she actually tried to self abort him - he is most likely the product of marital rape. She was hospitalised (probably due to MH) when DP was very young for a year or so, she eventually divorced when DP was about 10. DP ended up in a children's home a couple of years later. I hope that in this day and age the children would have been taken away a lot sooner. She was also an evil bitch and did some really horrific things. His dad was far from happy - he had no choice but to move country, he went from having a relatively settled life to being a poor immigrant, struggled to get low paid work. They were in real poverty. And DP suffered racism, I'm sure his parents experienced worse.

But none of it -not even one tiny bit - was DPs fault. He couldn't have changed anything.
Seeing her again and speaking to her let him see what she was - a sad old woman that had a really shit life. And still does really. None of her other children speak to her. The religion bit is probably through guilt. She could have done things differently but then would you in the same situation at that age? I hope I would have but couldn't say that for certain.

He did become more confident etc after facing up to her. And he does have control of who he is. He is much more than the product of his upbringing.
I know he feels pity for her. And is still on some level scared of her. If I asked him what he wanted I don't know if he knows himself. I think he just wants to keep her at arm's length - but then he said she should be able to see her grandchildren.

I am being selfish - it is 4 days (not sure when she is going back -Thur or Fri) - I will get though it with a smile (grimace) on my face...

She sounds insufferable.

I'd be tempted (probably wrongly) to check her ticket when she has arrived to make completely sure she does actually have a return section on it.

If she misbehaves she goes to a hotel (and pays the bill herself),even if it is several miles away. Simple as that. She can pay her own taxi / bus fares from then onwards.

I would reconsider whether or not to continue to have any contact with her in future if she continues to be such a PITA. She was an abuser after all, so I personally would be unhappy having her anywhere near my children.

I'm sorry but I've only read your initial post. The glaring question for me is, why? Why would you want an abuser in your house with your DC? With your DH, the victim of her abuse? Why in earth do you want to forge any kind of relationship with this woman? It's up to your DH whether he wants to maintain any kind of relationship with her himself (which it really appears he does not want to do.....) but I could certainly not brook the idea of that person around my children after what she did to my husband.

Saw your last post. I totally get how a shitty background like hers can lead to a troubled later life. I've even known a few such people.

I can feel some understanding of how they have come to be as they are, as you clearly can too. However, that doesn't mean I could actually take on their problems and cope with the consequences. That is something else entirely.

Good luck.