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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with DH?

20 replies

evmil · 07/12/2014 16:19

Basically, DH has told DSS1(15) and his best friend (who's 16) that said best friend is allowed to live with us for 'as long as he wants'. DH apparently told them this yesterday morning and I have only just found out after my 4yo mentioned it (apparently DH had told him!!)

I'm annoyed. Not because I don't want DSS's friend to stay (he has quite a bad home life) but because DH didn't tell me. We have just had an argument and DH can't see why I am annoyed as I told him wasn't with the fact that friend was staying but because he didn't tell me about it. He thinks that because I don't have a problem with the friend then it's a non issue. However, I see it as him thinking that I'm not important enough in his eyes to be consulted about these things, or even just to be told about them as soon as it happened.

So AIBU and overreacting or do I have a right to be a bit peeved about this?

OP posts:

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 07/12/2014 16:23

If his friend has a crap home life and the offer was made for this reason, and you don't mind, then yes, YABU and a bit precious. It's not all about you. Sorry.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 07/12/2014 16:25

Didn't mean to sound harsh....I just feel more sorry for the young lad who presumably has such a shit life at home that he has to move out, and if you genuinely don't mind but are being precious about it 'on principle' then I just think it's a shame. And unreasonable.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/12/2014 16:29

Yes, I would quite like to know who is moving in with me and my children! I'm your DH doesn't think you're worthy of being part of the discussion.

UncrushedParsley · 07/12/2014 16:31

No, I would be annoyed. Whether you are ok with him staying is not the issue. It's a matter of respect for it to be discussed with you, and basic consideration.

riverboat1 · 07/12/2014 16:32

YANBU, he should definitely have discussed this with you.

I can imagine a situation where someone might make a promise like this in the face of hearing something awful from the boy, like if he had just told your DH he had been beaten up or abused...with the raw emotion in a situation like that I guess I can see how you would of course promise the earth to try to make the kid feel better.

But even in a case like that, why wouldn't he come to you directly and talk about it, and you could decide togehter how best to help the boy? I can't see what makes it OK that you end up hearing about it from your 4 year old a day later.

MrsPiggie · 07/12/2014 16:32

Yanbu. He shouldn't take by himself decisions that affect both of you. It doesn't matter if you would have said yes or no, he should have given you a say in it.

ApocalypseThen · 07/12/2014 16:32

I really think this should have been a family decision.

foreverdepressed · 07/12/2014 16:32

You do sound a bit precious to be honest, if you don't mind what is the problem?

Darquesse · 07/12/2014 16:35

I totally agree with you, of course it should have been discussed with you if someone is moving into your home!!

BlinkAndMiss · 07/12/2014 16:36

YANBU - I'd be annoyed because someone else living with us would be a huge imposition. I'd be furious at DH for putting me in the position where I'd probably have to retract the invitation. It's awful that this boy is suffering though, are their any organisations that could offer support? Are SS involved? Technically you need to register as a foster carer if a young person is living with you who isn't in your guardianship already.

DoJo · 07/12/2014 16:36

YANBU OP.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses - it's really not too much to ask that the OP be informed that the offer has been made, considering it is her home as well. She has said that she is not annoyed that her husband made the offer, but I think it is worth taking a stand on the principal given that she will be affected significantly should the boy take them up on it.

Asking her husband to let her know if he invites someone to move in with them won't change whether this boy actually moves in or not, or his home life, so I'm not sure it's worth equating the two simply to accuse the OP of preciousness.

hissingcat · 07/12/2014 16:38

yanbu. I know you said you don't mind the boy staying but what if you had? I think you have a right to have a say and know if someone is moving into your house regardless of who it is.

HolgerDanske · 07/12/2014 16:40

Smacks of 'I am the Head of the Household' to me and I would be livid that I hadn't been consulted. Whether or not you mind is completely beside the point.

FunkyBoldRibena · 07/12/2014 16:40

You do sound a bit precious to be honest, if you don't mind what is the problem?

You'd really not be bothered about anyone living in your house? Surely as a significant other in the house it should be agreed with you as you live there?

diddl · 07/12/2014 16:42

Assuming that it will impact on you also, of course you should have been consulted!

Preciousbane · 07/12/2014 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bettercallsaul1 · 07/12/2014 16:50

You are not being unreasonable in the least. Inviting another person - of whatever age - into your home long-term is a huge decision and of course you should have been consulted. Apart from it being another mouth to feed, another bed to find etc, having another teenager in the house completely alters the family dynamic and perhaps not in a way you want. It is a very serious business, offering a home to another family's child, even if you like him and feel sorry for him. You may have an irate mother and father turning up at your door, telling you to mind your own business etc. If this boy really needs help and you are prepared you give it to him, you may have decided to make this invitation if you had been asked, but it is completely unreasonable not to consult you about it first.

LineRunner · 07/12/2014 16:55

Of course he should have talked to you about it, and the length of the stay, the sleeping arrangements, financial impact, whether the friend's family were all right with it or not, schooling/college arrangements and bursary entitlement, even where stuff is stored and meals and bathroom rotas .... there's loads of stuff.

My OH has been through this and it's not as straightforward as people might think.

Good for you for doing it, though.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 07/12/2014 16:56

YANBU It's disrespectful of your DH to make a unilateral decision like this. We're not talking about inviting the boy for a sleepover.

I wonder how many pps would be happy if their DH/DP's made a major decision like this without consulting them first.

simbacatlivesagain · 07/12/2014 17:02

Please do it. My daughters best friend had major home life issues. Spent most of Y11 with us informally. I wanted to make it more formal- DH wouldn't do it. She dropped out of school then college (very very clever girl) , has a a dead end job and is pregnant whilst my much less able daughter has gone to university . I regret it so much - I should have insisted.

Yes he didn't go about it the right way but you have the opportunity to change a young persons life forever- please consider doing it.

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