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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset and annoyed that my boyfriend won't commit to Christmas dates

21 replies

Goldfish10 · 07/12/2014 09:05

My boyfriend and I have been together 4 months and were talking about going away for a couple of nights between Christmas and New Year.

Before we could arrange anything definite, we needed to know when we'd be having our DC over Christmas. I made arrangements with my ex and asked my boyfriend if he could make arrangements with his ex. However, four weeks later, he still hasn't managed to confirm anything with his ex.

I've started to get really annoyed and upset. For a start, it's very rare for me to have several days of child-free time, and if I'm not going away with my boyfriend, I'd like to make arrangements to see other friends instead. But the closer we get to Christmas, the more likely it is they'll already have made other plans. Also, I've told him that it's upsetting me, but he still refuses to get a definite answer from his ex. He seems to tiptoe around her and seems terrified of rocking the boat in any way. It feels as if he'd rather upset me than her.

I was really looking forward to our first break away together, especially as, because of work and childcare arrangements, we don't usually get to see each other nearly as much as we'd like.

AIBU to be upset and frustrated that it's now two and a half weeks till Christmas and we still don't know if/when we can go away? Or am I being impatient or unreasonable? It would be really useful to get other opinions as it's going round and round in my head upsetting me and I feel I'm not seeing it rationally any more.

OP posts:

Shesparkles · 07/12/2014 09:09

I think for a 4 month relationship where you both have children, you're being a bit of a spoilt princess. You don't know for sure what the dynamic between him and his children's mother is. I understand how frustrating it is for you, but wrong as it is if it's what she's doing, the ex possibly has him over a barrel with the threat of him not seeing his children if he pushes it.

FlossyMoo · 07/12/2014 09:10

YANBU to be upset and frustrated.

In your position I would make my own plans. You have given him the opportunity to make arrangements and he hasn't so stop waiting around for him.

SavoyCabbage · 07/12/2014 09:16

I think you should just make your own plans and he should make his. Four months is not that long and there are two,sets of children in the mix. I wouldn't be pushing him into making plans when probably what he wants to do is spend some time with his dc. Not unreasonably. It doesn't mean he's choosing them over you. Not, I'm sure, that you would want to be with a man who didn't see his own dc at Christmas because of a quite new relationship.

If you see him at some point over Christmas then great, if not then that's ok. You'll see him after.

HollyJollyXmas · 07/12/2014 09:16

YANBU to feel upset. But YABU at this stage not to have just gone ahead and made your own plans. He hasnt committed to anything, so you're only setting yourself up for a miserable time if you sit back and allow his arrangements or lack of to dominate your Christmas break.

Its only four months in. Its not a serious relationship yet. Arrange to see your friends or go away without him.

annielouisa · 07/12/2014 09:17

Of course he would rather upset you than her because he is probably a good dad who knows it is more important to maintain an amicable relationship with his DCs mum. He wants to be able to have quality time with his DC at Christmas and that comes before this very new relationship.

Are you the resident parent with your DC? If so your ex maybe the one tiptoeing around you and yours was sorted out because you wanted it sorted so you could go away.

I know its hard but at this early stage in a relationship putting pressure on over arrangements for children could cause untold issues.

LineRunner · 07/12/2014 09:24

I think it's possible that he hasn't told his ex the reason why he needs to know the exact dates when he will be having his DCs - ie that he wants to go away for a few days with his new girlfriend - and so she isn't in any rush to confirm anything.

Why he hasn't told her is key. Or, he has told her and she is perhaps seeing him as putting his new relationship above his DCs' needs at Christmas. Or he thinks that is what she will say.

Is it a relatively recent split?

BlinkAndMiss · 07/12/2014 09:24

YANBU to want to be organised over Christmas, but I do think that you need to speak to your boyfriend to find out a bit more about the relationship between him and his ex. It could be that she's difficult, it could be that if she suspects he's making plans then she'll insist on those specific days or it could be that he is a spineless idiot who makes her sound difficult when really he is the one dragging his feet.

Once you've established this then you can move forward

Original poster

Goldfish10 · 07/12/2014 09:28

Hi, thanks for the quick replies. I should have said that of course I wouldn't expect him not to see his DC at Christmas. That would be awful! He's going to be with them for at least half of the Christmas period, probably more. But his ex will be having them for at least a few days, and it was just trying to work out when those dates would be. I would never expect him to see me instead of his DC!

I thought I was doing the right thing waiting for him to arrange dates, as he seemed very keen to go away, but it seems the consensus so far is that I should probably make other arrangements.

I guess I'm lucky that my ex and I have an amicable relationship and can easily discuss plans with each other, and I have to accept that it's not that easy for everyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Goldfish10 · 07/12/2014 09:33

LineRunner, no, he hasn't told her why he wants to confirm Christmas dates. I thought it would be normal that by 3 weeks before Christmas most parents would know when they were having their DC over the Christmas period, so that everyone could make plans. But maybe I'm wrong? No, it's not a recent split - they split up over 2 years ago.

Blink, I've spoken to my boyfriend about his relationship with his ex, and he says she's unpredictable. I suppose I was struggling because I didn't see that I was doing anything unreasonable - I thought if the two of them could sort out which days they were having their DC, it would be good for everyone (her just as much as him) as everyone could go ahead and make plans.

OP posts:

Trills · 07/12/2014 09:34

Those talking about him being a good dad and maintaining a relationship with DCs mum - don't you think that by the beginning of December most parents would have sorted out their timings over Christmas?

LineRunner · 07/12/2014 09:39

OP, Yes it does all seem a bit odd.

ohtheholidays · 07/12/2014 09:40

I'd make arrangements for your self.
Like you said you have a good relationship with your ex he sounds like he doesn't.It's understandable that he's worried if she's likely to cause problems for him in the future with his children.

Hopefully after the Christmas period he'll be more assertive when it comes to access with his ex.

LineRunner · 07/12/2014 09:42

Sorry pressed too soon.

I was only thinking yesterday that how a new relationship either sails or lurches through Christmas is probably a good indicator of things to come.

Original poster

Goldfish10 · 07/12/2014 09:44

Trills, thats exactly what I was thinking. In my experience, the separated parents I know already know have already sorted out when they'll be having their DC over Christmas, so that everyone can make plans.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 07/12/2014 09:50

It does sound a bit odd that the plans for his dc haven't been put in place. Maybe there are plans and he doesn't want to tell you because they are not going to fit in with yours.

How long have they been apart?

Trills · 07/12/2014 09:52

Is this the first Christmas that he and his ex have been split up, so they're not yet used to sorting thing out?

Or is there a chance that things are sorted out but he doesn't actually WANT to go away with you so is delaying so that he doesn't have to make a decision?

Original poster

Goldfish10 · 07/12/2014 09:58

Finola, they split up over 2 years ago. Trills, it's the third Christmas since they split up.

Trills, I guess that's something I'm worried about - could it be an excuse because he doesn't want to go away with me? He says he does, and a couple of weeks ago he encouraged me to go ahead and book something and hopefully he'd be able to make it. I asked him once if we should just forget about the plans to go away over Christmas and he said no, he wanted to go. I'm really confused!

OP posts:

LineRunner · 07/12/2014 10:04

I wonder if he knows you won't book under these circumstances so he can then lay it all at your door?

What's your gut feeling here?

Finola1step · 07/12/2014 10:08

I can see why you're confused. But I think the following is what is really going on:

You're both in the early days of a new and lovely relationship after past hard times. You both want to spend time together. You saw a break over Xmas as the ideal opportunity as all the dcs would be with the other parents at some point. You and your ex are quite organised and grown up about such things. Your bf and his ex are a bit more fluid about such arrangements. He's now panicking because he wants to go but can't seem to sort out what's going on. So he doesn't know what to say to you, her or the dcs. He's now hoping that decisions get made and he can just work around them.

Leave the planning for this year. This isn't going to happen unless its last minute.

So either decide that you will make plans now to see others or wait and see. If you wait and see, you might be able to do something lovely last minute. But the risk here is that you end up with no pans at all.

I would put a time limit on it. Say next Thursday 11th. Tell him that you will need to know his dates by then or you will go ahead and arrange your own things.

Do not book a short break in the hope he will be able to come. You will be left on your own and out of pocket.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 07/12/2014 10:11

Tell him the dates and leave him To sort it out or not.

But don't hold your breath and make plans for yourself anyway.

Original poster

Goldfish10 · 07/12/2014 10:16

LineRunner, I think my gut feeling is that he's quite a passive person who doesn't like standing up to his ex. The dynamic seems to be that she's in control and he does what she says (obviously I only have his word to go on, and I'm not blaming his ex at all - it's a two-way thing). In some ways I think he's not emotionally free to move on to another relationship, if that makes any sense?

Finola, I think your second paragraph has pretty much nailed it - I'm quite impressed that you can get a clearer picture from my posts than I've managed to get! I did actually give him a deadline of this weekend, I guess that's why I've been thinking about it a lot.

Sadly this whole thing seems to have affected our relationship. I've really hated the feeling of having to hassle him to confirm dates, and I suppose it feels to me as if he's not as keen to go as I am, so I've felt a bit rejected.

OP posts:

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