aibu- dh playing sports whilst baby is ill

[choccychoc]

Before I get annoyed with him,Iwanted to check whether I'm being utterly ridiculous.

Dh works shifts, overnight sometimes, which is hard for me, as I don't have support overnight. It als. Means that until after lunch when dh wakes, I try to keep our 7 month old ds quiet, well as much as I can. the nature of dh's job means it's very important that he sleeps, although during the day, he'll only sleep 5 hours or so.

Still with me? Great.

Our ds has been ill, but this has got progressively worse, and after a visit to gp, he was prescribed antibiotics. Unfortunately this gave him a nasty rash. So we took him to the hospital last night, everything fine, but we must keep close eye on him, as it can get worse quite quickly. We got in at 9pm, and put ds straight to bed.

Ds has been up approx 18 times last night, crying, lots of coughing and struggling to breath through his nose. Also has high temp so we needed to bring this down with calpol.

Dh had slept 2 hours in the last 26, so last night I continued to be the person predominantly getting up with him, ( he got up twice.with encouragement. Well prodding.)

This is the aibu part- dh said he planned on playing sports this morning at 7, match arranged with friends. He has already played once this week, and for an hours practice yesterday. He will be gone until midday.

Aibu, as I've had little break ( due to him working) in the last three days from a sickly screaming ds, to have thought, given that I had 30 minute slots of sleep, that he might have stayed and taken ds so I could just have 5 minutes on my own? Well he's not bloody here! aibu to get annoyed by this?
Or, am I being a cow, and he's worked hard, 10 hour shifts, barely slept, and just wants time to do something for himself?

I think I'm too laid back. He also asks 'Do you mind if I play', which I think he does so he can say he's asked to be considerate, but really, this is making me the bad guy if I say no!
I hate that he does that, so I always say he should do what he feels he should do.

Aibu? As far as I can see, when ds is sick, everything else comes second.

Yes, of course DoJo. But to always put the family first, every single time? To achieve that the DH must never do anything that doesn't include the family.

I don't think that's what BigBlueStars meant, or it certainly isn't what I mean when I say that I put my family first all the time. I am still putting my family first when my son is having one-on-one time with my husband and I am off doing something for me - I don't define 'putting them first' as spending every second of every day with them.

"When my OH is not working his family come fisrt every single time."

Is what BigBlue said

Surely if the baby is so ill you need your DH to cancel his plans, it's too ill to go out this afternoon.

God, I hate game players. If you can't be honest with your husband, then why be cross when he takes you at your word? Is he like this with you - tells you something is OK then sulks if you do it?

I know - I just think we have interpreted that differently. Do you think you aren't putting your family first when you aren't with them? Because I don't believe it is one or the other. Allowing a child to have independent relationships with each parent is putting your family first, even if it does mean that the other parents gets to do something they want - it's not an either/or situation for me.

I looked after sick DCs on my own most of the time - DP had a business and was working outside the home for 15hrs a day, 6 days a week. I would take them to A&E etc myself. When I've been ill I have gone to hospital/doctors on my own. Always have. Guess cos at some points in my life I've only had me to look after myself, if that makes sense. But do know that some people find that odd - wouldn't go for eg a scan (pregnancy or otherwise) on their own, I wouldn't think twice about it. So I do struggle as to why you both need to look after a sick child.
Having said that I completely get why you find this annoying. And you should speak your mind - not do the PA thing of 'do what you think is best'.

What has annoyed me in the past (after DP had sold his business and worked less hours) he regularly went to the gym. One day I asked him to do something with the DCs in the afternoon and he said he was too tired - 'It is my day off and I was at the gym at 8am this morning and did an hour long work out ' Erm you didn't need to bloody well go to the gym at 8am and if you find it too tiring to then look after your children whilst I get things done you shouldn't be going
So if your DH ducks responsibility this evening because he is too tired I would be the other side of cross. I suggest when you get back you hand your DS over and go to bed for an hour - even if it is just to read a book. DH can cope - he chose not to take advantage of the opportunity to rest by going to the match.

(And also unless you really have to I would just rest this afternoon - both you and DS probably need it...)

Based on how ill you made your ds sound in the op, I really think you should not take him out in the afternoon.

Based on your knackered you say you are, I am not sure where you have the energy from going out - why are you prioritizing taking a child out, if he is so sick, and you are so knackered?

Go to sleep, and let your dh deal with him when he gets back from playing sports.

Putting your family first does not mean not having a life. FFs!!

My OH has plenty interests outside the family, but he chooses to do these things when it os appropriate and not iimposing on a time of crisis when his family needs him.

That is what putting your family first means.
All this crap about having no life- OH and I have plenty interests and time away from the children- if the kids are happily at a friends house then we will go for lunch, I meet a friemnds while OH takes the kids to the park, he meets his brother for a pint while I take the kids to the cinema.

It's about behaving responsibly- if I was dog tired after looking after a sick child and my OH had a day off work then buggereing off to play football would not enter his head- me and the kida come first in his life.

I don't see that as depressing- I see that as a great thing actually!

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I agree with those who have said that being tired makes you feel more fragile and tempers fray. This is very true with me. I think the views have been balanced. Having downtime is really important and healthy, and to dh's credit he has offered to have ds tomorrow so I can have time to sleep/ go out somewhere, so I think this is a good balance.
I just wanted to take ds out to see a family member, who is aware of everything, and I have medicine, lots of layers and will only be a short while.

Thanks for the perspective everyone, I think I need to say what I want/ how I feel if I'm struggling with caring for ds rather than being pa in responses.

Neither you nor he needs the stress of going out while he is unwell. Go alone if you feel up to it.

I think that you should speak your mind! You're tacitly telling him it's ok and not sending a signal that it's not. He should gave been able to take the judgement himself, but failing that if you don't tell him he will take the route of least resistance

Yes, you really do need to be clear in your responses. This is something that comes up in conversation with male friends quite alot. They ask their partners if something is ok, get told yes/ if you want to/ do what you think, then are left wondering why their gfs are in a mood with them when they are just doing as they said. It smacks of gameplaying, just say what you mean.

Wrapped up warm in a pushchair- why wouldn't you take a baby with a nasty cold out and about so long as he's not going to infect other people?

Also remember that it's easier for men to say 'oh DW didn't want me to come because baby is ill' than 'oh baby is ill and DW was up all night or two nights so that trumps football, sorry guys' dorm ask me why but it it is, and it pisses me off.

Exactly hakluyt. Fresh air is good and a change of scenery for the parent who is doing the bulk of the care can be a real boost for them too!