...to not want to return to work?

[justmummyof2]

I have a dd 8 and a ds 4months.

My partner works and earns a decent wage, and I left work (wasn't happy at the company from the get go) to go on maternity leave, with the intention of returning when smp stopped. I sometimes do commission work from home in the evenings, topping up our income.
However, we don't plan on having anymore dc, one handsome boy, one beautiful girl, what more could I ask for?! And while I was at the horrid company, I discovered my dd had an emotionally difficult time with the childminder one day after school (another story, but it got sorted, she stopped going there and went to a friend's for the last couple of weeks before I took maternity leave)
As my smp only lasts another 3 months, I decided to speak to work about the point of me not returning. I was laughed off of the phone with comments such as 'just going to be a sahm then?'
A close friend who has always been a sahm has just gone into her first job, I am pleased for her, but she is saying that I am now an 'unemployed bum'. It is done with jest in the tone, but it grates. A colleague who I always considered a friend met me for lunch and when I confided about not planning on returning to work she scoffed and said they had all expected it! Last, but not least, my soon to be in-laws are condemning me for 'losing my grip on the working world' as though my intention is to never EVER return to work. It hurts that people I hold close could think these things. Throw into the mix that I was hoping to use the time as a sahm to finally finish my degree and qualify as a GCSE English teacher and I feel self indulgent. (I have actually given up on even mentioning my little aspiration for now)
'Are you just going to be a sahm?' My goodness it rings through my ears constantly!!!
Well... yes... for the time being, that is exactly what I intended. Dp supports my decision but I feel that others are suggesting I am 'copping out' of independence. (Which is something I really would hate to think)
My reasoning for not returning is as follows:

1. I can't bear the thought of anyone but me and dp being a carer for ds. I have loved the time with him (something I didn't experience with ds as I returned to work when she was 2 months due to financial pressure)
2. If I do return to work, childcare eats up more than I would actually be earning, so we would be no better off (quite the opposite I guess)
3. I could take up more commissioned work in 'my time' (evenings when dc are in bed and house is taken care of)
4. I love being available for all school award assemblies, sports days, holidays and the blowing of the first raspberry (ds is just about getting the hang of it)
5. I would like to finish my degree... eventually (but that is perhaps a little selfish)

Maybe I am being too sensitive to what others think, or are they right? I am sure that I am at least partially justified, but how do I make them see that I am not giving up work for an 'easy life'?

Oh and definitely get married so you are protected from your 'loss of earning' (but I think you said you were anyway?).

It used to be that you had to justify working outside the home if you had children - now women feel they have to justify staying at home! It's the most natural instinct in the world to want to look after your own children full-time. If your partner's on board with and you can afford it, don't feel you have to justify it - just do it!

I wish wish wish with all my heart I could be a SAHM. So, good on you, and sod what everyone else says. It's a decision for you and your family only, no-one else.

1. If your DP supports you then it's nobody else's business.

1. It is difficult to get back into the job market after time as a SAHM so don't underestimate that - but sounds like you have a plan anyway.

1. Work out what the financial arrangements will be while you are a SAHM - eg will there be a joint account? Will you have shudder a monthly allowance? And do ensure you are protected financially if god forbid you split or your DP died. So if you own a property make sure you own it jointly; make wills leaving all to each other; you should be named as DP's pension beneficiary; etc. Or you could get married which will give you even better protection than this, and tax breaks too.

So subject to 2 and 3 - YANBU.

I have no view at all on your decision from a parenting perspective, but I think unmarried SAH parents put themselves in a very precarious position indeed. If you're going to give up your financial independence you should get a marriage contract to replace your job contract.

I'm always concerned when women sacrifice their careers and financial independence for their families, because it can go so horribly wrong in the long term. But you say you will keep working freelance, on your own terms, which is perfect for when you have young children if you can manage to find the time to do it. And you also plan to train for a new career that you think might suit you better. So in my mind, this is a wonderful opportunity for you spend time with your DC while they are little and get your career moving in a direction that suits you better. Win-win, in my mind.

I would agree with PPs, however, that since you are unmarried you would be very vulnerable, so if you haven't already, put financial safeguards in place for yourself.

I agree with that, MsRinky. But then I think being married makes things so much more straightforward in other ways too, such as inheritance. Many, many unmarried couples stay together long-term but, when children are involved, I think the traditional set-up is still best as it offers most protection to a dependent partner in the event of a split.

Ignore ridiculous comments from ex-colleagues and so called friends. If you are in a position to look after your DC's full-time and your partner supports you then why not? It's the most natural thing in the world to want to do this although a lot of cynics will tell you otherwise. We're living in strange times if people feel the need to frown upon you for making this choice. Enjoy this stage of your life - it's precious. There will be plenty of time in the future when you can carve out a new career if you need or want to.

The biggest issue is you may not be married. If you are not don't give up work as your legal rights if you arei n the 50% of couples who part are massively different than if he is prepared to put that ring on your finger.