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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to live with DP

23 replies

Fanfeckintastic · 03/12/2014 20:37

I was with DP for 5 years, lived together, had DD etc but we split for a year and have in the last few months rekindled and it's been so much better than ever, we completely appreciate each other now, enjoy our time together, do things as a couple and as a family. It's pretty perfect but we don't live together and I have no desire to for a good long while, but people seem to give me the Hmm look when the subject comes up. To be honest, when I sites like this before and reading about a couple with a child not living together I always thought it a little strange myself but it just seems like the ideal situation right now. I love our time together and he stays a lot, but I love my own time too and my own little routine with DD, having friends around some evenings for tea etc.

Is it weird, does it mean I'm not fully committed? Anyone else have this sort of situation successfully?

OP posts:
puntasticusername · 03/12/2014 20:41

I dunno, it's definitely unusual but if it works for you, why not? Does he contribute towards your expenses, for DD and for himself when he stays over? Are you claiming any benefits that would change if he lived with you full time?

PrettyLittleMitty · 03/12/2014 20:44

Sounds great to me! As long as its an arrangement that you are both happy with it's nobody else's business. Do what suits you and your family.

NickiFury · 03/12/2014 20:45

I get quite frustrated with this Must Live Together attitude. It's quite prevalent on here too as though there's only one way to do things. I have lived with four different men, each ended badly. I don't like living with anyone except my children and that's because I am in charge I like my own space and doing what I want. The restrictions of being a lone parent with two young dc are nothing compared with having to constantly compromise and accommodate another adult and their wishes and whims. It's not for me. You're relationship is working like this. Why would you change it back to a situation you know doesn't work?

Purplepoodle · 03/12/2014 20:46

It's usual but if it works for you. A friend is in same situation with her partner - he now rents a flat 2 doors down from her. They love each other but can't live together. He often goes to hers in the evening, does kids bedtime spends eveing with dp then goes home to bed

PotteringAlong · 03/12/2014 20:47

Helena bonham carter and Tim burton do just that!

Purplepoodle · 03/12/2014 20:48

Guess it's not any different really than if your dp worked away and was only home weekends

Tinks42 · 03/12/2014 20:49

Im another one that thinks good for you. I wouldn't either. Together apart is ideal.

Velvetbee · 03/12/2014 20:54

Sounds brilliant - eyes house full of home made wine, old comics and weird art...

Hatespiders · 03/12/2014 21:03

I know a couple who live in two adjacent cottages in a village not far from ours. Their houses are completely different, as they have different tastes in decor and the man likes a total mess while the woman likes it chintzy and tidy. He has two dogs in his house. They've been together about 25 years in this set-up, and they love it (and eachother!) YANBU at all as long as you both like it that way.

Original poster
Fanfeckintastic · 03/12/2014 21:04

No we both work and he still pays the maintenance he did while we were apart and we pretty much split everything else, some weeks he'd pay for much more and sometimes I would.

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one, I really like looking forward to seeing him and we always have news and tales for each other about what we've been up to. DD accepts it and loves when her dad is here but I think she likes our one on one time a lot and I feel I parent a bit better on my own. I'm just amazed how everyone seems to be eager to know when we'll be moving back in!

OP posts:
puntasticusername · 03/12/2014 21:06

In that case - fuck the haters and good luck to you! Smile

WyrdByrd · 03/12/2014 21:06

YANBU...I frequently wish I didn't live with my DH Grin !

MillionToOneChances · 03/12/2014 21:08

Sounds idyllic!

Discopanda · 03/12/2014 21:10

If it means you are pissing each other off so your DD has to be in the middle of two arguing parents then do it!

Tinks42 · 03/12/2014 21:12

Some people love everything about being a traditional couple, therefore don't understand it. Some people are envious.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid, being very independent (and not wanting all the man habits that go with conventional) nor wanting to share my bed/space am 100 percent with you.

BathshebaDarkstone · 03/12/2014 21:31

If it ain't broke don't fix it. It's working for you, who cares what anyone else thinks? Smile

JaceLancs · 03/12/2014 22:16

I've been in this situation for over 8 years now - although my offspring are much older and he is not their father anyway
We lived together for 7 years but are much happier living apart
Spend all our weekends together, a mid week night and a couple of holidays
It works perfectly for us - although maintaining 2 households can be quite expensive when neither of us are in receipt of any income other than what we earn

MsAspreyDiamonds · 03/12/2014 22:58

If I won the lottery, I would buy a pair of semis so I could have my own space & dh could have his. The kids could then choose which house to sleep in on a daily basis & all will be well in the Diamond household! Wishful thinking.

NewNamePlease · 03/12/2014 23:02

I dunno, if it works for you then it works. But to me it seems a bit like you are settling rather than find someone you actually like enough to want them around 7 days a week.

HadleyHemingway · 03/12/2014 23:10

Personally I would hate not to live with DP even though he leaves his pants on the floor and it drives me mad .

But I've known a couple who had the same arrangement as you for years and it worked really well.

As far as I can see, the main argument for living together isn't down to romance or commitment, rather it's that running two houshds instead of one seems unnecessarily expensive.

But if you can afford it then why not?

HadleyHemingway · 03/12/2014 23:11

Ffs! *households

MrHardy · 03/12/2014 23:12

Nope, my DP and I do this. I have my house in the countryside and he has his flat in the city. I love him very much and we spend heaps of time together but he has a job that demands staying late doing lab work and research so needs to be close to where he works. I make a living writing and just couldn't survive in the city for very long. We see each other weekends and one or two nights a week and it works perfectly for us.

Also, I like all my weird stuff being in my house and he likes a contemporary style! :P

Fiftyplusmum · 03/12/2014 23:30

If it works for you and everyone involved is happy, then no problem.

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